Mrs Manton.

 This afternoon mum, dad and myself went to meet with a lady in the village about helping me to finish off my schooling. She is a lovely lady called Mrs Manton and is a retired head mistress. We were there most of the afternoon sitting in her lovely conservatory full of amazing plants. We had tea and cakes before leaving with the certain knowledge that my education is in good hands. We aren't going to bother waiting for that lot in Scotland to see if they bother to send me the laptop that I was doing my work on. I have most of it saved online anyway so she's thinks we will be able to work with what we have without much trouble. She was very happy with what she saw so I guess some of that they did with me up there was good.

We called in at the stables on the way home to see what we have on tomorrow in the way of lessons and treks. It seems that I am going to working down there again tomorrow..

I've just been cuddled up with dad on the sofa in front of the wood burner. I had to save his whiskey at one point as he fell asleep. I could tell he'd gone because he likes to play with my hair and he gradually stopped and then I could tell by his breathing as my head was resting on his chest. The glass was in his right hand and resting on his right thigh and I could see it slowly tipping to one side so I quickly reached for it and just managed to grab it. Mum was pleased because I saved it going on he carpet and dad was pleased when he woke up because it didn't get wasted. It's all fun times around here!

Tractor Work To House Work.

 This morning I was expecting to go spreading more fertiliser but dad says it's to windy so it's been cancelled for today.

After breakfast, as I wasn't going out on the farm I helped mum with some house work. I mostly do the vacuuming as it's not very kind to mum's back. She hurt it a few years back when a horse threw her. 

Also this morning I called Irene and we had a chat. I told her how I'd been allowed to do work with the tractor all by my self. I also told her that I had to have a blood test cos I'm probably going to die of something. She told me not to be silly, I'd rather she told me not to worry along with a good reason why. I didn't say about mum and I coming to visit as I didn't want to disappoint her again if it didn't happen. Nothing has been mentioned about it since the other night.

So that's been my morning. This afternoon mum is taking me to see someone. but I will talk about that later when it's happened as I will then be able to say more about it.

Likely To Impress.

 I had a laugh today with mum at the farmers store. We went in and found some clothes on racks so started to look through them and this guy who had been behind the counter came over to us.

"Now then ladies, is there anything I can help you with," he kindly asked us.

Mum explained that I was starting work on the farm and that I needed some warm work clothes for the winter.

"By all means have a look through these, but the ladies things are over this side, you might find something better fitting over there," He took us over while asking what sort of things were we interested in. So we told him that I needed a good winter coat, trousers, a fleece style jacket and some work boots to start with. He then excused himself as a farmer came in asking for a part for his manure spreader.

So we had a good look through everything and picked some things out for me to try on. As they were outer clothes I was able to try them on there where we were. 

When I was trying on some fleece jackets an old guy had appeared behind the counted and had been watching. He suddenly chimed up, "If you want my opinion the other one looked better," 

Mum replied, "this one feels thicker and she needs it for work, not to impress people."

Then he joked, "Oh I don't know, some of these young farm guys like to be impressed you know!"

"We'll take this one then," mum said picking the one that wasn't likely to impress young farm guys.

The old guy looked at me with a big grin on his face.

The first guy returned now and asked if we were managing to find anything. He then stayed with us and assisted with information about quality and such like. He agreed with mum that the less fancy fleece was much better quality and would be better for work. When we had everything we needed the man took them away to total them up and while he did that mum and I had a look through the horse department which was next to the ladies clothes. While there she noticed the riding hats and decided to buy me one. They have them at the stables for the visitors but she said I needed my own. Even though I have never ridden a horse I have to wear head protection when handling them just in case they were to kick or knock me over. One day she says I can learn to ride if I want.

I was going to say that we cost dad a fortune but we put it on the farm account as expenses so it didn't really cost dad anything out of his own pocket.

When we got back in the car I said to mum, "That wasn't so bad was it, I thought they were very helpful to be honest." 

She agreed, but added, "The next time your dad wants some parts picking up you can come for them. I don't understand it, they aren't usually like that. When I come by myself hey just stand around looking at me or disappear in to the back room." 

Poor mum, bless her. I think deep down she knows.

The Argument.

 I didn't mention this last night, because basically I ran out of time. But after getting a shower and changed I went down to the kitchen to see if mum wanted any help. I walked in and dad was back so I went and gave him a hug as I do them both when they have been away for any length of time. I could tell by this point that something had kicked off and I assumed that it was because of the shopping at the farmers store thing, and so felt bad that I was the cause of this. I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I didn't know whether maybe a group hug was in order, but if they rejected it, would it upset me, more to the point I my patience with them. I could play for sympathy. Make out it was upsetting me. But then they would just be reconciling my problem to please me and not theirs to please them.

In the end I just said, "I don't know what's the matter with you two tonight but I'm not enjoying it."

Mum said, "You're not the only one either."

There seemed to be a hidden message in there which I wasn't hearing. I went over to dad who was now sitting at the table and I put my arm around him.

"Come on dad, it's no big deal, me and mum will go to the farm place and buy some clothes. it can't be that bad in there I'm sure. But don't blame us if we spend all your money though."

I should add at this point that mum hates the farmers store, she sort of feels intimidated some how. 

Dad gave a little laugh and a comment when I said about spending all his money. 

"He knows it's not just about the clothes." was mum's reply.

Dad then volunteered more information.

"We've only just got back from two weeks away and she's on at me to go again as soon as I get in."

This is good I thought, now at least we are talking.

I could see dad's point, but I also know that mum is hoping to go away more now they had the camper van. They're very funny about this sort of thing, not at all compatible for breaks. Dad won't stay in what he calls other peoples beds, meaning hotels, B&Bs and such like, although he has been known to stay at relatives over night. Also mum won't drive the camper at all saying it's to  big, also she won't drive on motorways which means dad always has to do most of the driving, which never gives him much of a break considering that he does driving all the time at work.

"I don't mean immediately. I just wanted him to commit to a date, and all I get is sometime never - like with your clothes" mum replied.

Knowing all of this it seemed that the obvious answer to this little upset was for me and mum to go away by ourselves leaving dad to enjoy the farm, so this is what I suggested.

"How far are we going to get with my driving." replied mum. I felt she was warm to the idea but not yet warm enough to feel it.

"You don't have to drive, you'd be with an experienced hitch hiker!" They both laughed at that.

"Just be sure to jump over the hedge if you see a blue van coming in your direction." Suggested dad still with a smile.

So I went on, "There's trains, coaches, we could go on a coach trip, or even fly off to somewhere exotic."

"Steady on now, that exotic bit sounds like it might be expensive."

Dad was getting on board now.

"Oh! don't worry, it's going to darn well cost you Mr." I had to smile at that, she was careful to miss the old out from in front of MR..

Now they were actually talking to each other, and while they'd been doing so I had a thought.

"We could get the bus or train to Edinburgh and visit Irene for our first trip, then if we got on okay we could go on other trips then." I suggested. 

Mum was won over now too, and dad knew it because he got up from the table and came over to us. He got hold of me and gave me the biggest bear hug cuddle I have even had, but not tight, very gentle he was.

"Come hear you, I got home tonight to find Eric running round the yard like a kid with a new toy, you've impressed him, and that's not easy. Now you've gone and sorted us two daft buggers out. You're such a god given blessing to us, how anyone could throw you out in to the gutter the way they did is beyond me, but it's our gain, there's no mistake about that."

He then pulled mum in to the hug too, now we were back as one. Thank goodness.

When he pulled away I caught him wiping tears away, "Dad, you're crying, OMG you're actually crying." 

He immediately turned away embarrassed and apologetic. I told him not to be silly and went and gave him another little cuddle, and of course he'd got me crying by now also.

I heard mum saying, "You're two are a right pair of soft devils, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with you, I really don't!"

Real Work.

 Today has been very busy for me, I actually did real work on my own. With guidance from Eric, he didn't get me into trouble this time either! It started at breakfast when dad asked if I would mind going with him spreading fertiliser, of course I jumped at the chance after first asking mum if it was alright as I always help her clear way after breakfast.

She said, "Go on with you, I'll try and manage somehow." Ha ha - she can be such a leg puller.

Once outside he told me to go and sit on the tractor while he loaded the spreader. I have to do this as he doesn't want me standing around and getting run over if he loses sight of me. I would have enough sense to move if I saw him coming though. It's warmer on the tractor anyway. After loading I went to sit on the little seat besides the drivers seat but he told me to stay where I was which was a surprise as I usually have to move so he can drive down the road. On this occasion though we weren't going down the public road but down the track leading from the back of the farm.

So before setting off I thought carefully about everything I'd learned and put it in to practise and we arrived without mishap at the field that dad indicated. He had me jump out and go with him to check the spreader was set right and showed me a few things while there and then he said for me to get doing some spreading while he sat watching and telling me things like for instance when and how to apply the four wheel drive system should it look wet and muddy or I felt slipping. I wasn't sure what slipping felt like in a tractor, but apparently you can feel it when it's happening.

When we were nearly empty Eric arrived with two more bags on the loader and put then in to the spreader and that's when dad got off. When they had the spreader loaded he came and told me to finish this field off and then go and do the same to the next one. I couldn't believe it, he actually left me to drive the tractor on my own. It was sort of scary at first but I thought, it's only the same as I'd just been doing but without dad talking. It was actually easier without him as I wasn't getting distracted with other things. I did make a little mistake at the end, I didn't notice that I hadn't got enough to finish off a run, although I did see when it ran out so nothing got missed which dad said was good. Basically I shouldn't have done that last run, instead I should have gone and filled up again. Except we weren't filling again as it was lunch time. Dad jumped on and we follwed Eric back to the farm. Dad was asking me how I had felt about it and did I feel I had any problems that I needed advice on. I said I was fine as far as I knew, as long as the spreader was putting on the right amount. He assured me it would be if I kept to the speed he told me to drive at when spreading.

Then at dinner he dropped a bombshell by asking if I thought I could manage the spreading with the help from Eric this afternoon as he needed to go out. I looked at Eric, I'm not sure why, but anyway he assure me that we would be fine. Dad told him to make sure he kept his eye on me and make sure the spreader was running okay each time he filled it. Then told me to do what Eric said then he was sure everything would be okay. If I thought I had a problem with anything I had to wait until Eric could assist me with it.

So Eric loaded up the spreader in the yard for me and I set off back to where I finished, I had to reverse down the row a little way to join up from where I ran out. I now just have to put the spreader in gear, set the tractor moving while at the same time turn on the flow to the spinners, They are the spinning things that do the spreading. I then set the tractor speed at eight kilometers per hour and then steer down the lines. At the end I stop the flow and then drive over to the next lot of lines and just keep doing that. I also check to make sure the fertiliser is coming out on both sides of he spreader.

In one field there was a lot of water, like a small lake and the lines went through it so I wasn't sure if I should drive through or not so I went back to the track even though I wasn't empty and waited for Eric to come with more bags. Even though he said it would be okay to drive through I wasn't sure so he came with me to see. We did drive through, and it was okay although a bit squidgy. Eric was quite impressed that I engaged the four wheel drive without having to be reminded. He also said that he would be having to do this job if I wasn't doing it and went on to say how he hates doing tractor work. He said he gets bored and keeps having to stop because he can't keep his eyes open. So he thinks I'm doing a great job.

When we finished for the day I had to wash everything down before I got to go inside, it's part of the job. I'd been lovely and warm all day on the tractor but once off it and the night dropping down I  was freezing and wet by the time I got finished and went inside. Mum had a fit when she saw me and said that my dad was going to cop big time when he gets home. He still hasn't taken me for any work clothes yet. I told her he was very busy trying to get the fertiliser on before the weather turned.

Anyway, I think that's enough for one day. Apparently dad is going to take me shopping tomorrow. We will see. It's probably more important to get the fertilizer on if possible. I think I'd rather put the fertiliser on if possible!

Preparing To Drive.

 Today I have been mainly in the house sorting out what needs to be done so as to pass my driving test. It seems a very slow job taking up to four months to get a test date. At least it will give me plenty of time to learn. First thing I have to do is get a provisional license. When I have that I can take some lessons. Also I think I have to pass my theory test before I can book a test. It looks like I'm going to have to get cracking then doesn't it.

As there is nothing else much to add about today I will go back to something that occurred last Saturday that I didn't get time to talk about.

I had been trying to call my old family, I no longer know what to call them. Anyway after nearly a week I still hadn't got anyone to pick up or return my calls so dad said to wait a few days and then try calling them on his phone as they wouldn't know his number. I'd got to the point where I wasn't that bothered whether I called them or not but mum and dad said I should try everything and then I wouldn't have any regrets later in life, which makes sense. I wasn't going to bother calling her as she would just put the phone down on me so I called her husband. I know he likes to watch the football results on a Saturday night so we watched to see when they finished and then I called him. He picked up straight away which just went to show that he had been ignoring me. 

As soon as he said hello I said, "This is important, don't put the phone down, it's Katlyn."

It was quiet for a few seconds and then he said that I'm going to have to stop calling as he had nothing to say. I told him that's fine and that I wouldn't bother them again if he just listened to this call. 

He never replied so I went on, "First of all I'm happy and doing very well living on a farm with a family who I now look on as my parents so you no longer need to worry about me. (Not that they ever did). When I get finished here I'm going to send you the details of where I am and you must write them down and keep them safe for the future. Maybe one day you will grow a pair of balls and then will be glad of the information." 

I saw mum look at me as I waited for him to reply. I got the feeling he wanted to say something but in the end he just said that he would and then he was gone, just like that, no goodbye or anything. It made me feel a bit sad, but I don't know why, as I don't feel he deserves any sadness spared on him.

After I got done mum said I did well, "Although I'm not sure about that language young madam." 

I couldn't help but smile as she hadn't used her 'young madam' phrase on me for a while now. Dad stuck up for me by saying that sometimes it's the only way to get through to some people. But then dug himself out of the hole he just fell into by saying, "best not make a habit of it though my dear."

More New Family.

 I enjoyed church today, not for any religious reasons, although there were lessons to be leaned for those that wanted to take them on board. My pleasure, for right or wrong, came at the end with those that stayed behind for tea or coffee. They are all much older people than myself. A lot of the old ladies, and one or two of the older gentlemen made quite the fuss of me. I don't know if it's the novelty factor  or if they find me a totally awesome person. I'd like to think it was the latter but suspect it's the former. Anyway they were all fussing round me, wanting to get me more tea or how was I finding this, or was I getting along with that, and apparently I must come again next week. I said I would try but couldn't promise. The best thing for me though was that I could tell that mum was pleased with all the fuss.

When we got back from church we picked dad up and drove over to uncle Ken and auntie Carole's  for lunch. They have their own farm about half a hours drive away.  It's the first time I've seen them for seventeen years, we haven't been close!!! I think we are to be much closer from now on though. They have a daughter called Kimberly who is a couple of years older than me. I'm not sure about her to be honest. Nothing bad occurred between us, but there was no signs of a welcome either. When she was with us she mostly sat there on her phone not saying anything. Uncle Ken was okay, easy to get along with. Auntie Carole, who is Australian and considerably younger than uncle Ken is lovely, always laughing and jolly. I can't recall seeing her without a smile on her face. So I'm not sure where Kimberly gets her demeaner from. Of course I was required to face all the usual first time questions about how I came to be a stray wandering around the highways and byways of Scotland. I don't mind though.

On the drive home dad just said out of the blue, "I hope you don't plan on adopting Kimberly's habits as you grow."

I wasn't sure whether he was referring to the phone or her sullen demeaner, but as I didn't plan on adopting either in the future I assured him he has no need to worry on that score.

So that's been that really for today. After tea we all settled down to watch TV, mum enjoys watching 'Dancing On Ice', It's not really something I would usually watch but I made her snuggle up on the sofa with me and dad so I was happy to watch.

I Will Probably Be Struck Down.

 Later this morning I'm off to church with mum, as with last week she says that I don't have to if I don't wish. I'm not a religious person so I'm probably going to get struck down or something because of going for the wrong reasons. I've told her that I will go today but not to count on me making a habit of it. I'm basically going because I enjoy being with mum.

Before going to sleep last night I lay in my bed thinking how this time last week I'd just enjoyed the best night of my life and how it now seems such a long time ago. It's funny how time works, because when I left that little room for the last time that I'd been in for nearly a month it seemed like I'd been camped out there for only a week, no time at all. Yet this week seems to have been like a month. I think it's probably because of how much you cram in to the time, that's just a guess. 

Mum says we need to leave a bit early as we have to call in at the stables on the way so I need to get going.

Like A Spare Part.

 Everything seemed to go alright at the stables today, although I don't know how much help I was as I didn't really do much. They did let me lead a pony from the field and then back again after they got finished with it. Other than that I spent most of my time with Lynsey in the ring while she was teaching. My job there was to help her with jumps and just generally be there should she need help. It was very cold though, especially as I wasn't able to keep warm doing anything. When I got home and mum saw how frozen I was she had a go at dad which I felt bad about. He's been saying he is going to take me down to the farmers store to get some proper clothes for me to wear when outdoors in the cold, wet and mud, but he's been busy all week so hasn't had chance to take me.

There were several other girls helping out at the stables today. For helping out they get to ride the horses when they are free. I didn't see much of them but when I did we seemed to get on okay. Today would have been a more fun day if it were warmer and I knew what I was doing but as it was it was bitter and miserable and for the most part I felt like a spare part on a shelf.

Is There An Imposter?

 I woke before the alarm this morning, I think on account of fretting about my up coming day at the stables. Ha ha - listen to me, is there an imposter? It seems like it when I think back two weeks and this same girl was planning on hitch hiking three hundred miles to Edinburgh. What was I thinking? I guess I was just doing what I thought I had to at the time.

Anyway as I was away I went through and got in bed with mum. There wasn't enough time to make tea this morning but we got a cuddle and a chat about things. She said that I don't need to worry about the horses as Lynsey is under sticted instructions not to over face me with anything. Apparently dad doesn't really want me to go there yet but mum thinks I should go and mix with other people my own age.

I've had to have my breakfast early and on my own this morning as I need to be down at the stables in good time. They are only about half a mile down the road so I will walk down there.

No Kissing Or Hugging.

 Mum enjoyed her little surprise this morning. Apparently he didn't kiss or hug her so I had to have words with him later. I told him he wasn't going to be getting his night time cuddle tonight. I was of course joking with him because they are as much for me as him and he knows by now. Mum was playing with her new toy while we watched something on the TV. She says she is going to try and make a dog to start with.

I went on the tractor with dad again this afternoon. We were putting fertiliser on the wheat. He let me drive down the tracks to he field and then when doing the spreading he showed me a few things with regard to what he was doing. Then at the end he let me do some spreading in a little corner field. What I did was easy enough. I'm finding the driving okay now, I even went through a gateway today and didn't knock the posts over! So I just drove down the tracks in the wheat, they are called tramline's for some reason and then at the ends switch off the spreader and drive round to he next tracks and start the spreader again. There is more to it than that as it has to be set up to put on the right amounts. He did explain it as he was doing it but I didn't really get it yet. I need more lessons!

I did some back entries in my diary this morning. They were nothing much, just stuff I recalled.

Mum and I went down to the stables to see Lyndsey, she says I can go down and help her tomorrow so that should be fun, hopefully I don't mess up.

The Surprise.

 After breakfast this morning and when Eric had gone back to work there was just the three of us in the house. So when mum went off to tidy the sitting room I got dad and gave him the little felting kit that I bought yesterday. I have no real idea what it does beyond it being a craft thing so don't ask me.

Anyway, the other day when we were in town mum saw it and was coming and going about it but in the end didn't bother with it. I would have bought it then but had no money and wanted to surprise her with it so couldn't ask her for any money right then. Then I remembered later that it was Valentines day and it set me thinking, and you should know by now, that's fatal.

Dad is not the romantic kind so I had a good idea when I asked mum if she was expecting a big bunch of flowers from him for the special day.

She laughed and said, "If I get anything from him on Valentines day it will only a big pile of washing or similar." We had a little laugh about it and that was it. So I got to thinking he should give here a surprise now that he's a family man. Hence the felting kit.

He didn't know anything about it until I approached him with it all wrapped up in the paper with the hearts on from my special night. I didn't want to forewarn him.

"We are past all that sort of caper lass. You give it to her, it'll mean more from you." he said as I handed it to him

"No it won't," I said in a stern voice.

"Come on dad, you've got to do it or I'm going to be disappointed in you," Notice the emotional blackmail? I'm a fast learner.

I told him he had to also give her at least a hug if not a kiss. Bless him, he's very shy about this sort of thing. 

"Come on dad, it's nothing to be embarrassed about, besides it's only you and mum there, I'll stay here out of the way. Just do it - please!"

I more or less had to push him through the doorway. I don't know yet if mum got a hug or a kiss or what but I could hear by her tone that she was both surprised and pleased. She was probably less surprised when she found out both how he knew what to get, and how he got it. But she was happy and that's he main thing.

I reckon dad will be getting special favours tonight. I might be getting a brother or a sister even! Just kiddin'. Definitely don't need any company or competition around here thank you very much.

Money For Drugs.

 I had to ask dad for some money yesterday, I didn't like asking but I didn't have much choice as I don't have any money of my own at the moment. Anyway I'm doing the washing up and he brings his plate and cup to the sink.

I say, "Could I have some money dad, I need to buy something?"

"It's not for drugs is it?"

I was shocked, firstly that he even thought I would be doing that with his money, also that something like that would come from his mouth, it's just not the sort of comment he makes. So I turn to him for an answer to this shock statement and there is the answer all over his face in the form of a big smile.

"Ha ha - very funny dad, you're such a great comedian." I said with a smile and light heart.

"Will fifty be enough or are you going to fleece me for a hundred?"

"Oh noo," I said.

"Then pounds will be plenty."

"That's my girl," he said putting his arm around me and giving me a squeeze.

It doesn't feel real, everything being so simple, easy and pleasant. I'd been questioning all night about whether to ask to or not. In the end he came back with a twenty and told me to keep the change.

Things Are Crazy.

 I had to ask dad for some money today as I needed to buy something when I went to town with mum. I can't say what it is until tomorrow as it's a surprise. Not that they would read about it here but anyway it's something for tomorrow.

I made a point of phoning Irene tonight, I'm going to try and call her every week and tell her what I've been up to. She was very pleased to hear from me and was still talking about last weekend, which to me actually seems ages ago, yet it's not even a week yet. Things are crazy at the moment.

That's made me think of a funny thing that has happened on here just the other day. There has been this oldish guy following me on here nearly from the beginning, commenting on most of my entries and then suddenly a couple of days ago him and his diary disappeared. I mean, it's okay, it's up to him although I do miss him and his messages, I always enjoy a message. It just seems strange, why choose now to disappear when you've sat through all the bitching, whining and crying to leave just as the good times are starting and there is so much to look forward too. I guess that's the internet for you.

Ignorant.

 After calling the people in Scotland to let them know where I am I also called my old home in Coventry to let them know as I was sure grand father would take great delight in trying to get one over on me. I wasn't able to call my old dad as he can't take calls at work so I tried to call my old mum but she never picked up or returned my call.

So I waited until the evening and called my old dad but he didn't pick up either or return my call. I've called him every night for I think three nights now but nothing.

It's not the fact that they don't want to speak to me, I don't really want to speak to them to be honest. I just find it ignorant to ignore people. It doesn't take a lot just to say, "I don't wish to speak to you any more," and a reason would be nice but not absolutely vital. I know why they aren't speaking of course, I thought they might have mellowed after a year though.

Tractor Driving Lesson.

 I didn't get to write about my trip out with dad on his tractor the other day so I am going to add it now.

We went to deliver a load of sugar beet to another farmer who buys it off dad to feed his cattle on. I enjoyed riding on the tractor immensely. After tipping in his yard we hung around a bit while dad and the farmer chatted about things, mainly to do with farming.

On the way back was the best though because before reaching home dad turned off down one of the tracks that lead across the fields and stopped the tractor and turned to me and asked, "How would you like a go?"

I hesitated. Looking around the cab is daunting enough, it's just one mass of buttons, levers, pedals and even little computer screens, I couldn't imagine how on earth I was ever going to drive it without some kind of intensive training session.

I think he detected my hesitation because he then added, "It's alright, I won't let anything happen." 

I told him he had no cause to worry about that as I didn't have the slightest idea how to make anything happen. That made him laugh.

Without further ado he got up and said for me to swap seats. "Don't worry, if you can drive that quad bike that you told me about you will be okay".

As I settled in to the seat he said to take no notice of all the stuff on my right as I wouldn't be touching that today. He said all you need today is this, and pointed to a leave on the left of the steering column, this here and he wiggled the steering wheel, and that little pedal down there on the far right.

He made me hold the steering wheel with my right  hand and the small lever by the steering wheel with my left hand. "When you lift that leaver and move it forward the tractor is going to move forward, but don't worry, it's only going to be at a snails pace." 

So he had me try it and it did as he said. After a few yards and while he explained how to stop again, which was basically by moving the level back to where I'd got it from, he asked me to stop. So I did that okay no problem. He had me do it several times until I was no longer afraid of it. Then he had me do it in the opposite direction which then made the tractor go backwards. He only had me do that a couple of times as I was used to doing that by now, also we had the trailer on the back.

"Right, that's good, now we are going to go forwards and keep on going forwards but speed up and slow down." 

He said that for this I would be using the right hand pedal down at the floor. This is where we had a bit of a problem though as I couldn't reach it properly so we swapped seats again and he altered the seat position for me which made things better, although I still couldn't sit back in the seat. So I once again set it going forward and he reassured me by saying that this was the same as when I used to make the quad bike go faster or slower. So after pushing the lever forward I pressed the pedal a little as instructed and we sped up a bit. Then I had to stop again. We did the stopping a starting bit several times, each time going a bit faster. Eventually he said for me to just keep driving down the track at a speed I felt comfortable with. The steering was dead easy, much easier than steering the quad bike which surprised me a little. I took it upon myself to play with the foot pedal and soon got a good feel for it. I was actually now feeling quite relaxed about it all and just enjoyed driving it. 

Next minute dad is saying with great urgency, "Whoa! STOP."

I nearly had a break down thinking some big disaster had happened that was going to ruin my tractor driving career dead in it's tracks before it hardly got going. But thankfully it was just dad testing me.

"Right, you see the junction? You're going right there and I expect you to make a mistake but don't worry as I want to show you how to correct it if you do". So I set off and when I approached the corner I slowed down and thankfully I'd been paying attention when dad was driving and I'd noticed that whenever he went round a corner the tailer came out to the side to try and cut the corner so i figured that if I kept to the left the trailer would stay on the track instead of trying to go in to the field. Anyway we got round okay and dad was right stoked about it.

"I can't believe you just did that, what a great girl. One of these days I'm going to learn to stop underestimating you,"

What he said pleased me so much I could feel tears coming in my eyes. I told him I'd been watching how he did it on the way to that farm.

"Oh I never thought about that, I could have been pointing things out like that to you couldn't I."

Further along the track we came to another junction where I did another right turn, again without cutting the corner. It was here that he said to try watching the trailer through the mirrors rather than looking over my shoulder. I had to lean over a bit as I couldn't see through them very well in my sitting position. Anyway we made it back to the road in one piece where dad took over again as it's a public road and I obviously don't have a licence.

On the way down the lane he asked me to look in to what's needed for getting my driving license as it would be a great help to him if I could drive and do jobs with tractors for him.

When I got in the house and told mum she said I should consider myself highly honored to be allowed to drive my dads tractor. It's his pride and joy apparently, only he is usually allowed to drive that particular tractor.

When back in my room I thought it all over and found myself feeling good about the experience. Then I thought about how different it was having dad teach me to having grandfather teaching me. The whole thing would have been one torture and ridicule from beginning to end. Anyway, never mind about him anymore.

Treats & Surprises.

 This morning I woke at six thirty, which was before my alarm set for seven. As I lay there thinking about nothing in particular a thought came in to my head that suggested I get up and surprise mum with a cup of tea in bed. She doesn't get up until seven either so I had the time and I felt that she would appreciate it. So I made two cups of tea and took it up to her room. I should have taken them on a tray because with both hands full I couldn't knock on the door but as it as only pushed to I was able to open it a little and just call her name. She was still sleeping as I had to call her three times before she responded. I asked to come in and she said of course, you don't have to stand on ceremony. I had to ask her to put on one of the bedside lights as once again I was stuck holding the cups and it was too dark to see where to put them down.

When she put on the light and saw what I'd got she said with a surprise voice, "Oh my goodness, what's this then?"

"I was awake a bit early so I thought I would surprise you, is that okay?"

"Yes of course, don't go spoiling me to much though." she said light heartedly.

I passed her one of the cups and now I only had the one cup to hold I had a hand free to pull back the covers and get in to dads side of the bed. We sat propped up in bed talking about the day ahead while sipping our tea. We were going in to town this afternoon to do some shopping and post off the parcels. I didn't have a proper address for Jim but after looking on the map I think he must come under the village of Tongue, which is very small and I wouldn't have thought there were any other Jim MacLeods that had a farm close by. Anyway I have risked that.

There was a few minutes left after the tea was finished so I got her to snuggle down under the covers and we carried on talking cuddled up in bed. Unfortunately the alarm went off after only a short while so we had to get up.

Before we did though I said to her, "I love you mum."

"Oh you're a soft devil you are. I love you too though, and thank you, this has been a real treat."

After breakfast we went to the stables to see Lyndsey to see what she had booked in for the weekend. We were down there until it was time to get back to make some lunch for dad and Eric. After lunch mum and I went to town, posted the parcels, which cost an arm and a leg and then as a special surprise mum took me to afternoon tea at this rather lovely tearooms where we had tea and eat cake.

After dinner we had a music night like when we were in the camper van only this time it was one of dad's favourites, a band called Dire Straits. I have heard of them and I've heard a couple of the tracks before. I enjoyed them actually and would listen to more of their music, especially cuddled up in front of the wood burner. Super cosy.

Mum spent the evening doing a jigsaw puzzle that she borrowed from church. I helped her a bit while dad made supper. I didn't find any pieces though.

Pretty Much As Expected.

 Yesterday mum gave me a box to pack the things to be sent back to Scotland. After which she said to called them and get it over with as it had to be done some time, so the sooner the better. So we sat down together on the couch and made the call while she held my hand - I'm such a baby. I want her to baby me if that's what she wants because I meant what I said to her the other day, when I told her she didn't miss out on any of that fun growing up stuff, as I've been saving it for her to enjoy now. Also it's something I missed out on to some extent. So it's pleasing to both of us, even though some may find it weird.

Everything went pretty much as expected. Ms Oliver picked up my call.

"Hello, it's Katlyn, can I speak to Cindy please?"

"Oh, I've been wondering how long it would be before we heard from you, are you ready to return yet?" She said in that superior voice of hers.

"No I want to speak to Cindy please." It went quiet and then Cindy was on the line.

She was the usual Cindy, all jolly and happy wanting to no how I was enjoying my time with Jimmy MacLeod. This is the first I knew of his surname, I'd always just known him as Jim. She got a surprise when I told her I only ever stayed with him two nights and it was an even bigger surprise when I said I'd been back there for a month squatting in the east wing and raiding her pantry every night. 

The next thing in the back ground I can hear Ms Oliver, "What does she mean, there isn't an east wing, ask her what she's talking about."

So Cindy asks me and I explain but before I could get finished I can hear her in the back ground again saying something about me not being allowed there and what if there had been a fire. In the end Cindy got a bit fed up, as I was, and told her to speak to me properly but she refused. So she shut up after that and I was able to finish telling Cindy about the things I'd used being in a roll on the bed in the little room at the end of the corridor. I also said about the things I'd borrowed and was returning along with her ski suit. I then heard in the back ground something about thieving and my grand fathers name was mentioned. I said to Cindy to tell her that I wasn't thieving anything, that I borrowed them and was returning them, and as an after thought added that,

"and if she doesn't return my things that I still have there, including my school work, she would be the one thieving." 

Cindy said not to worry as she would try and sort it out for me. So I gave her my address and phone number and asked if she would call me some time for a proper chat without big ears snooping.

"Say HI to Ivan and Sheena for me and tell grand father that I'm missing him so much and thank him for getting me where I am today." That is the truth, but not meant in the same way as one would normally say these things. 

She said she would keep in touch and that was that. Pretty much normal for that place.

I didn't have my phone on speaker but mum was able to catch bits and I filled her in on the rest. She said that she could see now why I tried so hard to get away.

Problem Resolved - Again.

The good thing about my new home as to anything that has gone before, is that people actually discuss problems until they get resolved and don't just fob you off.

Even though it was fully resolved last night people were still ready to talk about it again this morning, and openly too, not going behind peoples backs and slagging them off or anything. The minute mum brought up the conversation about what we'd just been talking about, Eric cut in and said that it was totally his fault and that he should have known better than to involve me, but he wanted to get done as there was a grain truck expected, and that I shouldn't worry about it. 

Then dad said, "Look, if it sets your mind at rest I have a little job to do this afternoon that will be much better suited to you than hanging round the yard. I'm not sure how interesting you will find it but you're welcome to tag along if you want."

I didn't bother to ask what it was as I didn't care, I just wanted to break the feeling of being left on the naughty step. So it has been agreed that this afternoon I am going with dad on his tractor to deliver a load of beet to another farmer.

So hopefully that will be the end of that as I must be getting close to being a nuisance over it.

It's Nothing Like That.

 I woke up this morning again at six, not intentionally but because I forgot to stop the alarm from yesterday. I could hear dad getting ready to go out and thought to get up and go with him but remembered that he said that it wasn't necessary which I took to mean he didn't want me to. 

Even though this was something that was discussed and settled to a good outcome last night I still felt a bit funny about it, especially at that time in a morning when for me things can easily seem worse than they are for some reason. I think the trouble is that I haven't been out with him since what happened yesterday so it sort of feels like I've blown it as far as helping him goes. I really need to go out with him again just to prove to my stupid mind that everything is still okay. Then I remembered what mum said to me on holiday about how I needed to talk about my problems rather than over think them and try to sort them all out by myself.

I ended up being woken at eight by mum, which I then felt bad about as I didn't want to be that person that they needed to kicked out of bed every morning. She just said that I must want the rest, which was kind of her, but in reality I need to set my alarm to the correct time.

When I was helping mum to set the table and get ready for breakfast I decided to say the above to her. About the going out on the farm with dad business.

"Come here you dafty" She said.

"It's nothing like that in the slightest. It's just that it's wet and cold outside, you don't have any proper clothes yet and there is nothing you can really do to help yet when it comes to the cows so what's the point in dragging yourself around the yard at six in the morning? Also I know he has better things for you to do with your time that's going to be of more help to your dad than messing with bloomin' cows. We call them cows but in fact they are actually all young bulls and you know as well as I what fools they can be, pushing and shoving and goodness know what else that take their fancy, they'll have no respect for you at all, not the slightest. It's best to leave them to an old bull like Eric to sort them out." she said with her arm around me.

It feels so nice having a proper mum, I'm in danger of looking for more problems just so I can take them to her!

Stampede.

 I got up and went out early with dad this morning to watch them see to the cattle, and I sort of got in to a bit of trouble. Perhaps more of an advisory than trouble as he was okay about it really.

He was just introducing me to Eric, his worker when a lorry driver called for directions, so dad moved away from the tractor which we were standing near so that he could hear better. Anyway Eric wanted to put a bale of hay, or straw, whatever it was into the shed but every time he opened the gate the cows tried to escape before he could get back on the tractor and drive in to the shed so he asked me to stop them coming out, I don't think he realised how useless I am. 

Then dad is shouting from across the yard, "KATLYN SHUT THAT GATE,"

I wasn't sure what was happening then because Eric was trying to get in and I was trying to shut the gate and we nearly ended up crashing in to each other, and that starts the cows chasing around the shed like a stampede. Then dad came back across the yard and told Eric to just wait a minute and then asked me to go and help mum with the breakfast as they'd nearly done the feeding. I felt a bit funny about that at the time to be honest. It felt like I was in the way.

It turned out alright in the end though, and I could see his point as I don't have a clue what's happening half the time. Over breakfast he apologized for shouting but said that he had to make himself clear as he could see there was going to be trouble but he appreciated that I was just being helpful and added that my roll at the moment is to just look and learn and he would ask me to do things when he could watch and teach me how to do them properly. 

The rest of the morning was spent with mum cleaning, and then I got some lunch ready for dad and Eric, well, for all of us actually. I wanted to go out with dad after lunch but the weather has been rubbish and they were only loading grain so he said to stay in where it was warm. So I spent the afternoon reading my book and watching mum paint a picture.

Dad is going to take me down to the farm store sometime to get some work clothes as none of the clothes I have are very warm or farm friendly.

Tonight we cuddled up on the sofa in front of an nice wood fire so that was lovely and cozy but best of all we're still best of friends.

"You're doing great Katlyn, just take your time to settle in, you don't need to impress us as you've already done that," he said as he put his arm around me and gave me a hug and a cuddle.

It Felt Really Nice.

 It's funny really, my previous mother would always pull away when I went to hug her or show some affection and she certainly wouldn't dream of initiating any, but my new mum never has shied away from any of my advances even when we first met and didn't know each other.

This morning I was washing up the breakfast pots and she came up to me and put her arm around me and asked if I was okay. It felt really nice. It probably had something to do with another thing that happened at breakfast which I will have to talk about later as I don't have time at the moment. Anyway I assured her I was fine with everything, which I am, and even if I wasn't I'm sure I would have been after that.

Home.

 The journey down to George and Jan's - my home, took us all day as we stopped off a few times to give George a break from driving. We arrived home just after five so it was getting a bit dark but I was able to see some of my surroundings. The farm and house is a long way down a road to know where so apart from it being a better road to travel on it seems quite as isolated as where I was in Scotland. Although I could see lights in the distance so not quite as remote in that respect.

We took a few things out of the camper van but they said to leave the rest until tomorrow as everyone was a little tired. I helped Jan get a bite to eat while George was supposed to be resting but he went and sneaked out to take a look at what had been happening while they were away. Jan told him off when he got back inside.

Jan showed me round the house after dinner and we got a room ready for me to sleep in, they said I could pick my own room tomorrow when it was light and then we could decorate it to my liking.

It's all strange for me as they have their places to sit and routines that I'm going to have to get used to and fit in to, for instance they stop whatever they are doing at nine o'clock and George makes some supper and we all watch a show on TV. I messaged Irene after dinner to let her know we had got home, also for apologize for not thanking her for buying me the bus tickets. Thank goodness George remembered to pay her back or I would have been devastated. I feel bad for her as it is.

A Little Naughty.

 When back at the room I just flopped out on the bed. After a while Irene asked if I was ever going to get in it or did I plan on lying on top all night. I told her I was just thinking and asked what she thought I should do about the key. She wouldn't tell me but after a pause offered some advice on how to approach thinking about it. So I've spent all night on and off tying my brain knots over it just to end up where I was before I went to bed. It's like Irene says, they must both love and want me or they wouldn't have made such a commitment. I love them to bits for sure. If in future something happens that changes things and the way we feel, then I won't be a prisoner, I will probably do what most people do anyway in time, move out. Why was I thinking about it so much, what was there really to think about?

After getting ready we packed up our things called on Jan and George and went down to breakfast. No one mentioned the key option, which was good as breakfast wouldn't have been a good place to talk about it as we'd already upset everyone's dinners the night before. Because of this, as soon as I could without appearing to be rude,  I got up from the table and went to bring Irene's bag down. I think it was already assumed the night before that I would be traveling with George and Jan rather than Irene. I knew I had to say something before she left so when we were all out saying goodbye I gave her a big hug, I did feel a bit sad for her really but what  could I do?

I went and stood between George and Jan and said goodbye to her and then added, "I'll be sure to get mum and dad to bring me up to visit you sometime."

They all looked at me for a few seconds before George said,"Are you serious, are you sure?"

I assured them that I was and then Jan got me in  a bear hug and gave me the treatment George got last night. I managed to get my arms free and wrapped them around her returning the hug she was giving me.

"Give over now," she said after a second or two, and tried to get away from me. I wasn't being rough with her as with George but she was feeling the moment and I think didn't want to feel foolish.

"You've got me as daft as you now." She sobbed in my ear.

 We are of a similar height and I had my chin on her shoulder so it was easy to feel and hear the emotion in her voice.

I confess to being a little naughty at this point because I deliberately didn't let her get away with a few sobs. I needed proper tears and she need to give them to me.

"I love you MUM," I said softly in her ear as I gave her a little kiss on the cheek, it made her tremble and I loved how she gave me an extra little squeeze.

I was thinking now of all the things I've never felt able to say to my real mum for fear of being pushed away and told not to be so silly.

"I will make you so proud of me that when someone asks who is that nice girl over there you will be able to say that it's your daughter Katlyn," Well that got the water works going full flow and no mistake. It seems I may have Competition.

I was saying this all in a whisper in her ear so I don't think the others could here, it was a private moment between mum and her daughter.

"You know all those things that you missed about me growing up? Well you haven't really missed them because I've been saving them all up for you to enjoy now." 

I gave her a extra squeeze in return for the one she gave me and and released her. I needed to do that as I was starting to make myself tear up. George came now and put his arms around us both and after a little group hug I motioned for Irene to join us. No words were spoken because there was nothing to say.

We said a tearful goodbye to Irene and packed for the journey Home. George never shed a tear throughout, I obviously need to try harder with him.

The Gift Of A Lifetime.

 This box was different in shape to the last one, this being the width and height of a ring box but maybe three times in length. I removed the lid I peered inside to see a silver chain with a belt clip on one end and a key on the other. I looked at George and asked what it was for?

I noticed a slight hesitation before stating, "It's the key to our front door, but it's also a symbol, and we realise you are going to need time to think about this, but as you know we don't have any offspring's and you don't seem to have much of a family to speak of so we were sort of wondering if you would like to move in with us and be apart of our family such as it is?"

"You mean like a pretend daughter or something?" I asked having trouble trying to comprehend what was just said.

"Yes, like that but you wouldn't be obliged to call yourself that. it would just be your home and Jan and I would be your family. Not that we would want to take anything away from your real parents or anything. It's just somewhere for you to call home."

Then Jan, putting it far better than George added, "The other day if you remember when you spoke of your family to me, you said you didn't miss your parents because you didn't feel they ever  cared much for you, but you did miss having a home. Well that is the key to that home, and we both care for you like you are our own." 

I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to do. This time last week I'd been laid out on the camper van floor thinking I'd gone to heaven. A week later and I'm thinking the same thing but for a different reason. I was in a daze, afraid to accept it and afraid to reject it and I didn't know why. Why am I even thinking about it, it's the gift of a life time, for a life time.

Thankfully George must have called for the dessert to be brought because the next thing I know there is the waiter standing next to me with this lovely Victoria sponge cake which they obviously remembered is my favourite and what I chose at the fisherman's mission. Thankfully every drop of emotion had been drained from me at this point or I'd once again have been blubbering all over it.

If you can remember I asked in a previous entry about the significance of George asking for the dessert. The thing was, no one had ordered a dessert or even looked at the dessert menu so it was obviously something that had pre ordered and I didn't notice this.

What started as the worst night ever turned in to the best night ever.

The Gift Of A Dream.

 I slowly untied the ribbon and put it to one side before taking off the paper. Inside was a white box and as I lifted the lid I could see inside a wad of A4 size pages and after wiping my eyes I was able to read the words, 

G A & J M W---- Agriculture

CONTRACT OF EMPLOYMENT

Offered to Katlyn Annebelle J------

Please read all pages carefully,

And if acceptable to you,

Sign and date where relevant.

Under this cover page are many pages of terms and conditions.

I just sat there looking at it. I knew what it said and what it meant in my mind, but I couldn't help but look for an alternative reason for it because if I were wrong in what I was thinking the disappointment would have killed me.

I looked at Jan and she was smiling but saying nothing so I looked at George and he was much the same. Nobody was giving anything away so I risked it to ask quietly, 

"Is this a job?"

Jan held my left hand, I think she knew what was coming from me.

"It looks like one to me." said George.

"With you?" I asked.

"Yes, if you want it."

I'm going to have to apologize now for those who are reading this for the over use of to many OMGs, I just couldn't think of any other way of expressing myself.

I held my forehead, I couldn't hold back the emotions anymore, I was overwhelmed. I just sat there at first, tears running down my face saying oh my god over and over. I then jumped up almost knocking over the table and went round and grabbed hold of the most beautiful man in the whole world by his neck and hugged and kissed him to death. I told him I loved him, and I told him I hated him and everything else I could think of in between. I cursed them both for planning all this, and putting me through hell these past couple of days. I thanked them over and over for being so awesome, all the time sobbing my heart out. Poor George, I think I must have nearly strangled him with my delight. He tried to remove me several times but he couldn't have dragged me from him even with one of his tractors. I'm never letting go of him.

I shy away from any public attention at all cost generally but even though everyone in the whole place was watching me make a spectacle of myself I didn't care one little bit. Then not forgetting Jan I turned to her and gave her a hug and a kiss but far more gentle this time. She kissed me back and said,

"You've earned it my dear, now and go and sit down as you still have another present to open." I wasn't bothered about the other present because no way was anything going to be better than this.

Returning to my chair is when I noticed everyone was looking at me so I help up the box and said,

"I'm sorry about that, but OMG, I just got a job."

One woman started clapping her hands and then everyone else did, one guy said he wished all his workers were as happy as me to have a job. I heard a woman behind me say to someone else, "Isn't that just wonderful." 

I thanked them and apologised again then returned to my seat and sat down. It was now that I remembered Irene and saw tears in her eyes. Well I obviously knew what that felt like.

"Oh Irene, I'm so sorry," thinking she was crying out of disappointment.

"Don't you fret about me, these are happy tears. I knew what they had planned for you days ago when George called me to ask if I would be party to it. I've been worried about you since I saw you, a poor wee thing on the train traveling all alone like you were. I'm relieved you're going to be safe and happy now, just don't forget to come and visit me sometimes though."

I promised I would and that I would call her too. I mean it this time as well.

George reminded me that I still had another option and passed me the second box. Like the first one I couldn't imagine what would be in it, but it wasn't more than a few minutes since I couldn't figure out what was in the first box and look what happened, I wasn't going to under estimate this present that's for sure.

The Crossroads Of Life.

 After a short while the waiter came across and asked if we'd enjoyed the meal and did we want the dessert bringing over. Can anyone see anything wrong with that, because there is and it should tell you the state I was in that I didn't notice.

Anyway George thanked him and said to proceed but immediately Jan Canceled him. This is when I knew something was occurring because George turned to her with a puzzled look on his face. I also was puzzled now but at least it was giving me a break from my emotions.

"Just get it over with for goodness sake, I can't stand to be looking at that miserable face a second longer," she said to him while looking at me.

"It's just plain cruel." She added.

I wasn't at all offended, I was more upset that I was bothering someone. George asked the waiter if it would be alright to leave it a few minutes."

"Of course sir, that's no problem at all. Just attract my attention when you're ready." Replied the waiter.

At this George reached out with his hands and took hold of my right hand across the table. I obviously knew something was going down by now and was a little fretful as to what it might be. He seemed to take a deep breath and my initial thought was that he was going to stand up and do a speech, I even looked over my shoulder thinking some embarrassing moment was about to be sprung upon me. There was nothing be a load of people eating, talking and paying no attention to us so I turned back to see what he had planned.

"Can you try and clear your head and just give us your full attention as these next few minutes are going to be very important to you."

I took a deep breath to prepare myself before telling him" I will try, just don't make me cry."

"Well it's like this, every now and then we all come to a fork in life's road. Often we don't even take the the time to consider the choices these junctions offer us, we don't even realise sometimes they do even offer us a choice. In reality these junctions make us what we are in the future and that is why they are so important, do you see." I replied that I did and hearing this he carried on, all the time caressing my hands.

"Because this junction is so important to your future and you have become so important to us I just wanted you to be clear and think straight, okay". I simply nodded, because of the obvious.

"I know you're here now thinking you're on a two way road, one way leading back to the life you had and a new one with Irene and onward from there, so it will probably be a surprise when I tell you that you're not simply at a junction but a crossroads in your life. Apart from the two options that you are aware of we have the great pleasure in offering you a further two options."

There were no twinkling eyes or smiles, it all seemed very serious which was good as it was keeping my attention captivated. I watched inquisitively as he turned to Jan who handed him two presents. I wondered when we came down why she had a large bag and not her usual hand bag. Both presents were very nicely wrapped in paper decorated with red hearts and tied with red ribbon. I couldn't  even begin to guess what they were or how they could affect my future. All I did know though was that as he placed them on the table between us was that my captivated attention was quickly becoming overwhelmed by my captivated tears.

"These are for you sweet Katlyn. Jan and I give them to you with much love and pleasure. You've more than earned them in just the very short time we've known you. You mean more to us than I think you realise and certainly a lot more than these gifts, they are little compared to what you have given to us".

"If you still want my attention you'd better shut up." I interrupted him, tears running down my face once again. I won't mention the ones coming from my nose as I sniffled the reply.

"Yes, just shut up now and let her see them." added Jan.

"Okay, enough said," and he passed me the larger of the two presents.

It's a flat box something similar in size to a laptop but not as heavy - anyone got any idea's? Because I haven't. How was a box this size going to shape my whole future. I sat there with it in my hands looking at it, wondering, almost afraid to open it.

My Night

 We were shown to our table in the restaurant which was in a nice place in the corner of the room close to a window, not that anything could be seen through the window as it was dark outside. There were already three tables occupied in the room. 

Irene was sat facing the window with the wall to her left , George being a gentleman pulled out the chair for her and then did the same for me so that I was the same side of the table with Irene to my left. As I sat down George put his arm around my shoulders and bent down to speak quietly in my right ear.

" I know you're struggling at the moment my dear but this night it for you, it's your evening Katlyn, please try and find away to enjoy it. You came in to our lives and for this short while and  have given us something we will never forget, so enjoy, please if you can." and he kissed me on the forehead.

A week on and I'm beginning to think Jan is right, I do need a doctor. I've never been this way before, I've never even felt like crying before let alone all the time, not even when I was kicked out of my home. Every little word has me choked up and tears trying to escape from me. I couldn't even tell him to shut up as I had my lips and eyes clamped shut tight holding back the tears and emotions all trying to bust free. My breathing will only come in short gasps as my chest is so tight. The lump in my throat is now so constant that it's become a permanent fixture forcing each swallow to be a labour. Breathing through my nose is a never ending sniffle. The least little thought has my eyes filling with tears so that I have to clamp them shut tight, and even then the pressure is so great that a few always manage to escape by running down the side of my face. My head feels like it's about to burst yet there is nothing in it. I literally can't stand it. Then when I finally feel that it's safe to open my eyes again I see him coming back around the table to me and once again puts his arm around me and bends down to add further to the torture.

"Katlyn dear, I'm sorry but I  just have to say this as well. There isn't a man in this world that wouldn't feel proud at having you sitting opposite to him this evening, and I feel the proudest of them all."

I can do nothing in response but clamp my lips and eyelids tight shut and reinforcing them with the palm of my hand. I heard Jan telling George to stop it and sit down, it didn't really register why, and then Irene handed me a napkin so I felt obliged to wipe my face with it.

"Now you can see why I didn't want you wearing make up," said Jan quietly leaning across the table. Jan always seems to be way ahead of everything.

We had a starter and a main course, both of which I'm sure were very nice. I was trying my best to get in the mood of the night, just for the sake of everyone else and because George has spent a lot of money on making this night just for me. Now I feel that I'm wrecking it with all these stupid emotions. I'm sitting there listening and watching afraid to think or say one word in case it all kicks off again. I can feel it there, balanced on the very edge all  the time, waiting for one word or thought just to send it all crashing down in to a blubbering mess of a wreck and so embarrassing everyone present.

The Final Supper.

 When we left Perth Jan stayed with me in the back, not something she would normally do on account of her back as the seats weren't so good in the back. George reminded her of the fact before setting off but she insisted in keeping me company, which I thought was nice of her. She held my hand all the way to the inn where were staying. We arrived at nearly four thirty, which was before Irene. George went inside to sea where they wanted us to park the camper van as it quite big to just leave lying around. He eventually came back out with a man who was pointing him towards the far end of the parking area.

Once inside I could see it is a very nice place, it must be costing George a lot to stay here. It was now that the separation, weaning process, call it what you will, began. I was give a twin room to share with Irene while George and Jan had next door. Irene had instructions from George to give me a call when she arrived and I would come down to meet her and help with any bags. This I did around a hour after we arrived.

After dropping off her bag I took her through to meet George and Jan. We made drinks and sat around talking for a while, they were doing most of the talking actually, I was listening. At just gone six George suggested we go and get ready for dinner, we arranged to meet at seven thirty and go down to dinner together. Before leaving to get ready I quietly asked Jan if she had any moke up as I had nothing like that.

"Yes I do have some but you're not going to go spoiling your pretty face with it. Go on, be off with you now or we'll be all waiting for you." Was her reply.

When ready we went and got George and Jan, they all marvelled at how beautiful I looked in my new dress. Any other time I would have been flattered but I wasn't feeling it tonight. We then all went off to our final supper.

Day Of Reckoning.

 Well today is the day of reckoning, or is that tomorrow, I guess it is but as I don't expect tomorrow to be one of any great length before they are gone, so I'm not really counting it as a day. Anyway we are now on our way to Edinburgh, I'm trying to take my mind off things by catching up on my entries although it's not really working as I'm having to write about that which I am trying to forget.

We have just stopped for a break at a place called Perth. When we pulled up Jan came and sat next to me and put her arm round me and said not to worry, things will work out for me. If anyone but her and George had said that to me I would have told them to beggar off. How can dying from a broken heart be consider as working out for someone?

A Few Wee Drams.

 Today has been Georges day. After yesterday he deserved it. We have been to a place called Pitlochry where there is  a whiskey distillery where we were able to take a tour and stock up Georges fav night time drink, what he refers to as tonic. I would like to have bought him something but being penniless, short of partaking in a bit of shop lifting, which would not have fit well with my new image, I wasn't able to.

Everything feels like wading through treacle now, it's becoming a struggle to even get a smile going whilst cuddled up on an evening. They keep saying how I'm little miss wonderful and how I've made their holiday so special, yet my increasingly imminent heart busting departure doesn't appear, on the suffice at least, to be having any impact on them at all. I hope they haven't been saying all this stuff just to gee me up or something. Writing that makes me think I should be angry if it were true but all it seems to want to do is make me cry. Huh - I couldn't even get angry with them even if they cheated on me it seems.

I'm Not Cheap - Apparently.

 Today we've been to Inverness. We stopped at a park and ride site and caught the bus in to the center. We had a good look around the shops as they wanted to treat me to a new dress and shoes for the stay at the hotel. It's so kind of them, especially poor George having to suffer all that women's shopping and the constant indecision and changing of minds that goes with it. I sometimes felt like a doll being dressed and undressed as one would agree to something and then the other would disagree, I had little say in the matter other than keep trying things on. I wasn't bothered by this as I wasn't paying so didn't think I had the right to object to whatever they wanted to buy me. I personally would have chosen something you would dress to attend a funeral service in because to me on the night that would be the most appropriate. In the end we settled for a nice burgundy knee length dress, which I can tell you wasn't cheap. They didn't seem to mind and even said I was worth it and that I would be reminded me of them whenever I wore it. That wasn't a help, my eyes were so full of tears I could hardly see to walk out of the shop. If they noticed they didn't say anything. Now all we had to do was choose the shoes to go with it!

A Far Away Look.

Today we travelled to Ullapool. There is a super market here so it was a good chance to stock up on a few things, so Jan and went off shopping while George stayed in the van. I'm not sure what he got up to, he just said that he wouldn't come as he had a few things that he needed to take care of.

After lunch we all took a walk round, taking a look at what shops there were before checking out the harbour. George was hoping there would be a ferry in but there wasn't unfortunately. Before retuning to the van we called in and had a drink at the café were I had waited for the bus on my way up last year. I was telling George and Jan about arriving here just as a storm was starting.

"So, when you were last here you would be sixteen, is that right?"

"Yes."

"and you travelled here all the way from Coventry by yourself?" He asked.

"Yes, that's right, I met Irene on the train to Edinburgh and she  made sure I caught the correct train to Inverness where I was met by Mr Scott at the station and he took me to his B&B for the night and then put me on the right bus for Ullapool the next day. I met the bus driver here who was to take me for the next part of my journey to meet grandfather. This bus driver was really nice and looked after me, he even bought me a drink just here in this cafe. Apart from that I was alone."

"Weren't you worried?" George asked.

"I was worried about getting the right train or bus but as I say, I seemed to get lucky and always found someone to help me."

"I find it hard to understand how your own parents could put you though that ordeal."

"It sickens me really to even think about you having to do that." He added.

"I'm not always a nice person, I think I shamed my mum more than pleased her, I don't recall her ever having a lot of love for me anyway. I don't feel that I am a great loss to them to be honest."

"From your point of view or theirs?"

"Both really, I don't miss them and I don't think they will be missing me."

"In what way aren't you a nice person?" He then asked.

"What I did with Dave mainly but also I sometimes say things in a way that isn't very nice."

"Dave was just part of growing up, you appear to have learnt your lesson from it and I'm impressed how you've taken onboard some of the responsibility for it when really he was the one old enough to know better. As for your sharp tongue, you're just spirited and it's not a bad thing that you make your point clear, at least everyone knows were they stand. You've just got to think on that it can hurt someone, but I think you know that," He said.

He now got a look about him that I hadn't seen before, sort of very thoughtful and far away if that makes sense. He didn't speak for a while after that, it was quite strange. Jan broke the silence by asking which storm it was when I was here last but I couldn't remember the name of it.

After this we walked back to the van and then went to the near by campsite for the night.

Lochinver.

 Today we have been down the road to Lochinver. It's been a quiet day with no drama so I will keep this entry short as I'm falling behind a bit. I only write here when I have some time to myself as I think it's rude to sit looking at the phone when in company. Also I don't want to waste what time I have with my friends.

We had a walk the length of the village before finishing up at the Fisherman's Mission I think it was called. We got a bite to eat there which was good. Then we found a little lane that led up in to the hills so we had a walk up there as far as the lodge then returned back to the van.

We are now back in the parking place by the nature reserve where we are staying for another night.

He's A Devil.

 Today we moved from Scourie to Loch Assynt where George found a nice parking place by a nature reserve. After we'd got things set up we had a cup of tea and it was during this time that I found out when I would be leaving them. George asked for Irene's phone number as he wanted to try and arrange for her to meet us somewhere around Edinburgh so that she could pick me up on Friday evening. I gave it to him and finished my drink and said I was going for a little walk down the trail, I didn't want to hear him make the call.

As it turned out he needed to call home first to speak to someone about a contract so I had time to get my boots on and while doing that Jan asked if she could join me.

"Yes of course," I replied.

So we left George to his calls and set off down the path, which was of properly laid gravel.

"It's a shame George has to be dealing with work stuff when he's on holiday, is there no one else to see to things while you are away?" I said to Jan.

"Well, to his credit, not in this instance but he's a bit of a devil with work. We have a full time guy work for us doing the day to day stuff. There's also this other young guy who does some of the contract work but he's not very reliable and in summer we have a couple of students to help with the harvest. But George will often send them home and then end up working half the night doing it himself. There are times when I only get to see him for a couple of hours a day" said Jan.

I was a little surprised by this, I imagined him to be like a gentleman farmer type person driving around in his Range Rover and what have you. I didn't say this to Jan. I replied to her by saying that I like George.

"He's very fond of you too dear, and I love to see you two snuggled up on an evening, fair warms my cockles it does. I reckon if we hadn't crossed paths we would be on our way home by now, he was getting so as he had had enough holiday, you've given him something else to think about."

"So, I haven't spoilt your holiday then?" I asked.

"No, not at all, as I say we would have been half way home by now if it wasn't for you". She replied.

We'd reached a small loch by now and there was small wooden shelter with a seat and an open front to it so we took a sit down out of the breeze and enjoyed the warm sun on us. I decided to snuggle up to Jan like I do George at night.

"What's this then, you're not about to burst in to tears or something are you?"

I laughed, "no, not this time. I don't get chance in the van and it doesn't seem right that George gets all the cuddles".

On returning to the van George announced that he had booked a couple of rooms at The Allanton Inn near Eyemouth where Irene was going to join us on Friday evening, have dinner with  us and stay the night. He thought it would be a gentle way of parting company as I would be able to spend the night with us all together and then travel with Irene in the morning.

I'm not going to say anything more.

Bix Beiderbecke.

 I was woken this morning by George boiling the kettle at just after eight.

"I'm making a cup of tea, would you like one?" he asked.

I answered that I would, and after finding the robe, in order to saves Georges blushes, went to get out of bed.

"You don't need to get up if you don't want, we're staying here today so you can lounge around in bed half the day if you wish."

I think he was joking about the half a day bit as the bunk needs to go up to give proper access to the dinning area. I told him that I wasn't one for lying in bed all day. He said he was pleased to hear that.

After breakfast, I was given a fry up again, George got the ski suit out and gave it to me along with some money to go and get it washed. While I was waiting for it to do it's thing I took a walk around the campsite. It was quite a nice day actually, just a bit cold for sitting around to long. I had a good walk though said hello to the highland cattle and did some thinking. Not so much about what is destined but what I need to do next with regard to sending things back to people and letting them know where I am. I need to do that as soon as possible really I think.

After lunch we took a walk to the little beach on the edge of the village, George found another camper van enthusiast to compare notes with so while he was talking Jan and I took a walk around the little grave yard before finding a bench over looking the beach. 

Jan started on with her questions again, firstly asking what I used to do with my spare time when I lived at home.

"I spent a lot of time on school work. During week days I was in school and then in the evenings I was doing home work and then when I finished that I would watch TV or do some gaming. On a Saturday morning I would go to town with mum and when we got back I would mess around in my room. Sundays we usually went out to lunch and visited somewhere or someone."

"What about boys? I bet there were plenty of them chasing after you." She suggested.

"Yes there were boys, but none that took my fancy. I can't say that sort of thing appealed to me very much, it always seems to troublesome. It was as though if you went out with them they then owned you. Maybe I just haven't met the right person." I said.

I like to think that I skilfully moved the conversation away from boys and stuff and on to her and George. I asked things like how long had they been together and how they met. I was thinking of asking why they never had children but decided against that for fear of causing upset. Eventually, after Jan and I had frozen half to death, George caught up with us and we all walked back to the camper van.

After dinner they decided to have a music night. This was completely new to me, I'm not sure if it's something people do in general. Personally I listen to music as and when I feel like it. Anyway they dedicated a whole even to jazz, in particular Bix Beiderbecke. Not someone I'd ever heard of before but it was Jan's choice so it was okay.

I rubbed her feet again for a while and then had a cuddle and a little snooze with George. I find these evenings so simple yet absolutely lovely and not at all boring which on the surface one could assume. I even enjoyed old Bix once George taught me how to listen to the music. I've never broken it down in to it's pieces and enjoyed how they all the instruments interact with each other. My parents would never spend such times with me, this approach is all so novel. I usually just listen to music as a general noise and maybe pick out a few words in a catchy part of the song.

It's been a very nice day where I've managed to put my fears out of reach for the most part.