What An Idiot.

 George came in to the bedroom this morning, probably around five thirty and woke us by announcing that if we wanted to catch the bus at eight we should get moving. Well that was a great way to ruin someone's day before it even got started. Jan got up more or less straight away, I just lay in my bed mortally wounded, shot through the heart by two arrows fired from cupids bow. Tears were soon rolling down my cheeks even though I wasn't actually crying. I won't permit myself that crying indulgence. Nor do I think that others should suffer from my weak and pitiful emotions either. I don't court sympathy through tears. Or social media for that matter, so that's not what this is about. I'm just saying what happened, that's all.

Soon Jan returned from the bathroom and after asking how I was feeling,  I assumed with regard to yesterdays unpleasantness rather than today's sniveling emotional unpleasantness, she also asked if she could put the light on, which of course I said yes to both questions. I got up now as I didn't want her to see the state I was in, life can be so shit sometimes.

I went in search of my bag as I needed the clothes from it, I couldn't very well travel to Edinburgh in the ski suit. George was packing away the bunk that he'd slept on. I couldn't see my bag anywhere. I thought maybe he had put it somewhere but when I asked him he said he didn't even know I came with baggage. Judging by the grin on his face I think that it was supposed to be a bit funny but I really wasn't in the mood for funny. The last time I remember having the bag was when the guy in the blue van was having a go at me because I was getting ready to batter him with it if he came at me, but after that I don't recall what I did with it.

"Did you not see me with a bag at all?" I asked him.

"No I've never seen you with a bag, did you leave it over the road where you were sitting when I came to fetch you?" he asked.

Oh no, what an idiot, I was in such a tizzy I didn't know what I was doing. George told me not to worry as he was sure it would still be there.

"It's got my phone in it and all my spare clothes and it's been raining all night. Everything will be ruined," I said breaking down all hysterical. This was the last straw.

I went back to the bedroom and threw myself face down on the bed. I couldn't cope, I couldn't hold it back anymore, everything just burst out of me. One massive flood, all the fear, all the frustration, all the weeks of constant ridicule, and now the anguish of letting someone down and the unfathomable attachment to two people I don't even know. It all came bursting out into the pillow of a bed I didn't really have any right to be in let alone hope to stay in.

"Goodness me, what's going on?" said Jan as she came and sat on the bed beside me. She made me sit up and then held me to her and asked, "What's all this about, I've not seen a face like yours since one wet day last harvest time."

"I'm going to miss you and George so much, I can't stand it, I feel like I'm going to die" I sobbed, feeling like a sniveling drama queen, not to mention being so pathetic to have let something like this get the better of me.

"Well nobody's making you go anywhere if you don't want to you dafty. If you don't want to go, don't go. We just thought you wanted to go and visit your friend." she said whilst giving me a big squeeze.

"Come on now, you have a pretty face, don't go and spoil it with all those tears."

"I have to though, she's paid for me, and she will be waiting for me. I can't even let her know cos my phone is probably wrecked or gone." I replied.

"Look, I'll go right away and look for your bag, and if it's there, which I'm sure it will be, I'm sure your phone will be just fine, and even if it isn't, then we'll sort it out some other way. Besides, it doesn't sound to me like you're in any fit state to be going anywhere lass. I know you won't admit to it, but you're not well and if Irene is a proper friend she will understand that when we tell her. You've been through a hell of a lot." Said George before going out in to the dark morning.

Jan stayed holding me and stroking my hair. While George was gone, we didn't say much, we didn't really need to talk anymore. She did say that I needed to talk about things when they are bothering me and not try to take everything on myself. She seemed to understand though that when you've never really had anyone to help with things it's hard to just start doing it.

George was soon back and he had my bag, thank goodness.

"There you are, that's one of your problems solved," he said trying to cheer me up while handing me the bag.

I opened it and got my phone out, I didn't turn it on though because it was a bit wet in the bag so we though it best to leave it a while to warm up and dry out. I got out the other things, all of which were a bit wet, including the book I borrowed. Jan thought it would dry alright. As would the bandage. Then she picked at my clothes like they were going to bite her and pulled a face before announcing, 

"At least that's sorted the traveling situation out, unless you're thinking of traveling wearing just your vest and underpants,"

Even in my stupefied state I thought I could detect some sort of satisfaction in her statement as she said it.