Questions

 Jan made us a cup of tea which I took outside while George phoned home. There was a little pier out in to the loch so I had a walk on to it and enjoyed the sound of the lapping water and the beauty of my surroundings, a far cry from Coventry that's for sure. It was a biting cold wind though and I had no coat so soon returned to the van.

From here we moved to a place down the road called Scourie. It was only a small village but it had quite a lot going on for it's size. There is a shop, petrol station, cafe, campsite and a hotel. I remember stopping here on my way up on the bus, this is were the four walkers got off and went up to the hotel, what a different day that was. What a different person I was back then, hardly but a child it seems looking back on it.

George was interested in the campsite though so we drove straight to it and got a place to stay. In the afternoon I managed to get my first shower in a month, I'd been having to make do with washes in freezing cold water from the bathroom sink. My hair had been in a plaited pony tail for all that time so goodness knows what was living in it by now. On the way to the showers I helped Jan across with the washing, she undid my hair for me before I left her for the shower. 

Later we left George having a snooze and we went to the little shop for a few supplies, it was very expensive though so we didn't get much. Whenever I'm alone with Jan she is always asking me stuff, like she needs to know more about me. It's okay, I don't mind, it's just that people don't usually bother to find stuff out about me. Mostly they assume stuff and then make their judgment about me based on their own idea's. I like it that she is interested in what I have to say.

One of the things she asked me when on the way to the shop was,"Did you ever consider moving in with that guy you were seeing when your parents kicked you out?"

She meant Dirty Dave.

"No, not at all, I didn't have that sort of relationship with him, it was just like a fun thing or something, I didn't have any real feelings for him. I didn't even like him that much to be honest, I just enjoyed what he did at the time. Although to be honest he was on the list of options when I was looking for a way out of my little room but even then he was way down the list, not that the list was ever very big," I replied.

"So if he came knocking on your door sometime you wouldn't go running back to Coventry with him then?"

"Oh my goodness no, I don't want anything to do with him, Coventry or anyone from Coventry ever again. In fact I'd rather go back to grandfather, he might be Mr Grumpy living in isolation but at least it's a nice place to be isolated - apart from the midge's."

That made her laugh.

"So, have you never been in touch with your parents since you left?" was the next question she asked.

"No, I haven't heard a word from my mother from about six weeks before I left and I haven't heard from father since the day he saw me off. I did think about calling him at Christmas but grandfather said he didn't think that there was any point so I never bothered."

"So you don't miss them then?"

I had to think about this because when she asked the question I felt my heart miss a beat, "I don't miss my mum, she never was a loving person, I only ever remember getting one hug from her. My dad was okay but I never saw much of him really, as he always seemed to be off out doing something. No I don't miss them, what I miss about them is the home they provided. I miss having somewhere to call home. Homeless is not nice and being homeless and penniless is even worse. It's like a trap you can't break free from". Was my reply to that.

Then as we approached the cafe by the campsite we came upon some Highland cattle in a field so I tried to make friends over the fence, so then the subject moved on to whether I like animals and was I afraid of the cows at all with me being a city girl.

"I like animals better than most humans, they don't have these crazy mood swings all the time so I know where I am with them. Even if they are nasty, at least you know they will be nasty every time you see them, so either keep away or be prepared. My fav place to visit when I was young was to go to Umberslade Farm for lunch, which is an open farm. I used to get in trouble all the time for not eating my lunch, I was too excited as I just wanted to get to the animals" was my reply.

"Did you have pets at home?"

"No, not really, they said we weren't home enough to look after them properly. I had a rabbit for a while, until it suddenly disappeared when it got let out in to the garden, and I used to walk the neighbours dog sometimes if they were away." 

So that's very much how our little walk to the shop went. The good thing for me was that I was able to go there and back and didn't have any reoccurrence of yesterdays problems of feeling like I was going to pass out.  I think Jan's big breakfast filled my legs up.

That night in the camper van was much the same as the night before except I wasn't spaced out, also at one point Jan said that her feet ached so I left my cuddle with George and went to rub her feet for her. George said I deserved a medal, saying I wouldn't catch him touching them things.

"No, but if it was one of your bloomin'' old cows feet you'd be fussing over it for ever and a day, he'd even pay the vet to come out and take a look!" was Jan's reply.

It was all just a bit of fun between them. I love it.

Oh yes, another thing different was that I got to sleep in the bunk instead of Georges bed.

Beggars Can't Be Choosers.

 While I went and had a wash Jan cooked breakfast. I didn't really feel like eating but they both insisted and I guess it made sense so I agreed to have a slice of toast like Jan but she wasn't putting up with that either so I agreed to have a fry up with George, but only a small one. I need to remember in future that she has a funny idea of what small is. They say that I need building up a bit!

By the time breakfast was over I was feeling less emotional but still quite down in the dumps and I couldn't really put a finger on why. I think I felt that I'd failed some how although I wasn't sure what I'd actually failed at. I think the main reason is that I've felt the pain of leaving and that one day soon I'm going to have to go through it all again, but without the turning back. Even just writing about that now brings a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat. It's the absolute worse feeling ever.

After some debate I got to do the washing up while they did the packing away. 

"If I'm staying it's not as a freeloader, I wanted to do what I can to be part of you, to help where I can."

George immediately reach for the keys to the camper van and handed them to me.

"There you go, you can do the driving then," he said with a big grin on his face.

Of course I couldn't but I think it was done purely to get a smile out of me which it very much did.

After I'd got finished I left George to put the pots away in the correct places and went through to Jan in the bedroom, she had found me some clothes of hers out to wear. It was just some, what I would call trousers, she called them slacks though, I'm not sure what the difference is as I can't see any. There is also a shirt and a sweat shirt for over the top. 

"They're nothing fancy but they'll do, and beggars can't be choosers can they now," she said with what I took to be nice intentions.

When we got going we drove down the road quite away until we came to a place called 'Laxford Bridge' where there was a good place to pull over also there was a reasonable signal on Georges phone, I hadn't turned mine on yet. When we came to a stop George said to try my phone as we'd better phone Irene before he made his calls so that she knew what the situation was as soon as possible. George said that he would start the call for me and explain the situation. However Jan said that it might be better if she did it being a woman, she thought Irene might think I was being kidnapped if a strange man phoned up. I think she was probably serious about that but I'm not sure. She said that once she's explained to Irene she would be handing the phone to me as it's only right that I had a word with her, I was okay about that. I was just pleased she was making the initial call for me.

Anyway she made the call and I could hear Irene, she was obviously a bit surprised at first but after Jan explained what had happened and that I wasn't in any fit state to be traveling, especially alone, she seemed okay about it all. When I spoke to her she basically told me not to go taking anymore risks just to go and see her but when I was better and if I was able to do so safely she would be thrilled to have me go and stay with her. I just wish that I was as thrilled as she was about it. I'm thinking that I may have until Friday or Saturday with George and Jan and that they will drop me off at Irene's on their way home, I feel the pain already. It's killing my mood. I should be happy, enjoying these few days with them but I can't. Perhaps I should do as Jan says and confess to them, but what can they do? What can anyone do about a broken heart?

What An Idiot.

 George came in to the bedroom this morning, probably around five thirty and woke us by announcing that if we wanted to catch the bus at eight we should get moving. Well that was a great way to ruin someone's day before it even got started. Jan got up more or less straight away, I just lay in my bed mortally wounded, shot through the heart by two arrows fired from cupids bow. Tears were soon rolling down my cheeks even though I wasn't actually crying. I won't permit myself that crying indulgence. Nor do I think that others should suffer from my weak and pitiful emotions either. I don't court sympathy through tears. Or social media for that matter, so that's not what this is about. I'm just saying what happened, that's all.

Soon Jan returned from the bathroom and after asking how I was feeling,  I assumed with regard to yesterdays unpleasantness rather than today's sniveling emotional unpleasantness, she also asked if she could put the light on, which of course I said yes to both questions. I got up now as I didn't want her to see the state I was in, life can be so shit sometimes.

I went in search of my bag as I needed the clothes from it, I couldn't very well travel to Edinburgh in the ski suit. George was packing away the bunk that he'd slept on. I couldn't see my bag anywhere. I thought maybe he had put it somewhere but when I asked him he said he didn't even know I came with baggage. Judging by the grin on his face I think that it was supposed to be a bit funny but I really wasn't in the mood for funny. The last time I remember having the bag was when the guy in the blue van was having a go at me because I was getting ready to batter him with it if he came at me, but after that I don't recall what I did with it.

"Did you not see me with a bag at all?" I asked him.

"No I've never seen you with a bag, did you leave it over the road where you were sitting when I came to fetch you?" he asked.

Oh no, what an idiot, I was in such a tizzy I didn't know what I was doing. George told me not to worry as he was sure it would still be there.

"It's got my phone in it and all my spare clothes and it's been raining all night. Everything will be ruined," I said breaking down all hysterical. This was the last straw.

I went back to the bedroom and threw myself face down on the bed. I couldn't cope, I couldn't hold it back anymore, everything just burst out of me. One massive flood, all the fear, all the frustration, all the weeks of constant ridicule, and now the anguish of letting someone down and the unfathomable attachment to two people I don't even know. It all came bursting out into the pillow of a bed I didn't really have any right to be in let alone hope to stay in.

"Goodness me, what's going on?" said Jan as she came and sat on the bed beside me. She made me sit up and then held me to her and asked, "What's all this about, I've not seen a face like yours since one wet day last harvest time."

"I'm going to miss you and George so much, I can't stand it, I feel like I'm going to die" I sobbed, feeling like a sniveling drama queen, not to mention being so pathetic to have let something like this get the better of me.

"Well nobody's making you go anywhere if you don't want to you dafty. If you don't want to go, don't go. We just thought you wanted to go and visit your friend." she said whilst giving me a big squeeze.

"Come on now, you have a pretty face, don't go and spoil it with all those tears."

"I have to though, she's paid for me, and she will be waiting for me. I can't even let her know cos my phone is probably wrecked or gone." I replied.

"Look, I'll go right away and look for your bag, and if it's there, which I'm sure it will be, I'm sure your phone will be just fine, and even if it isn't, then we'll sort it out some other way. Besides, it doesn't sound to me like you're in any fit state to be going anywhere lass. I know you won't admit to it, but you're not well and if Irene is a proper friend she will understand that when we tell her. You've been through a hell of a lot." Said George before going out in to the dark morning.

Jan stayed holding me and stroking my hair. While George was gone, we didn't say much, we didn't really need to talk anymore. She did say that I needed to talk about things when they are bothering me and not try to take everything on myself. She seemed to understand though that when you've never really had anyone to help with things it's hard to just start doing it.

George was soon back and he had my bag, thank goodness.

"There you are, that's one of your problems solved," he said trying to cheer me up while handing me the bag.

I opened it and got my phone out, I didn't turn it on though because it was a bit wet in the bag so we though it best to leave it a while to warm up and dry out. I got out the other things, all of which were a bit wet, including the book I borrowed. Jan thought it would dry alright. As would the bandage. Then she picked at my clothes like they were going to bite her and pulled a face before announcing, 

"At least that's sorted the traveling situation out, unless you're thinking of traveling wearing just your vest and underpants,"

Even in my stupefied state I thought I could detect some sort of satisfaction in her statement as she said it.

Escape - Feeling Cherished (5).

 "Anyone mind if I watch a Midsomer Murders?" George asked.

It seems he is a fan and had received a DVD box set for Christmas.

"I wouldn't mind you doing the washing up first." Replied Jan.

She is so quick her come backs, yet never in a nasty way - I love her.

For those that don't know, Midsomer Murders is a long running TV series broadcast in the UK. I've never bothered to watch it myself but it seems to have a dedicated following. I wasn't really bothered about watching it but of course I wasn't going to object to whatever either of them wanted to watch. I did offer to do the washing up as I felt I should help out where I could just to repay some of the kindness they've shown to me.

"You'll be doing no such thing young madam," said Jan.

I love it when she calls me that, I can't help but smile.

"You need to get yourself better, I don't want you falling in a heap again. Besides I was only pulling his leg," she added with a smile.

I smiled back and then looked at George who gave me a crafty little wink.

Thankfully my request to use the bathroom was not denied the same as the washing up offer had been as I was getting well past bursting. They offered to help me to the bathroom but I managed okay by myself. I was actually feeling much better now apart from being so tired, even my lips had regained their feeling. On returning George let me in at his side of the table as it wasn't possible to view the TV from where I was sitting before. When the show got going I snuggled up to George, I rested my head on his shoulder and held his arm, giving it a squeeze as I said thank you. He said that he didn't need to be thanked for anything. When Jan saw us snuggled up, after coming through from the bedroom, she said to me not to go spoiling him with to many of my cuddles. She was only joking with me and told me not to be daft when I went to move away. She added with a tinge of regret in her voice that it was a something they'd both missed out on all their married lives. They've never had children so never enjoyed these sort of pleasures.

Not that I'm a child, but you know what I mean. She was just thinking back.

After washing the pots Jan settled down in her seat with some knitting that she was doing and we watched the TV. Actually I fell asleep again until George paused the show and went to get a bottle of whiskey After restarting the show he put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to him. It was all so nice. I couldn't recall ever feeling so cherished. It was so nice that I was sort of afraid to enjoy it. I kept thinking about the pain of the ending. I remained clear about the fact that there had to be one. 

After the show George made us some supper, Jan having Horlicks and George and I having coco and biscuits. By the time that was finished it was time for bed. Because of my on going fragile state I was allocated Georges bed in the bedroom with Jan, you need to climb a ladder to access the bunk and it was thought I might not cope. I was a bit worried that Jan would be prodding me every five minutes to make sure whether I was dead or asleep. Thankfully the bedroom is kited out with single beds with a more than an arms length between them.

I went to sleep thinking about the amazing day that I'd had, so many ups and downs, I wondered what lay in store for me tomorrow. George had said he would get me to the bus on time but I couldn't help fearing there was a crashing down to earth imminent.

Escape - George & Jan (4)

 I was woken twice by the lady to check that I hadn't died and once by George to see where he could put my suit. This brought me down to earth a bit. I think I must have been so phased out by events that I had completely forgotten that I still had a need to get to Durness. 

So when he asked, "can I put this in the storage locker?" 

I felt on the one hand quite demoralized that I still had to face that problem, yet on the other hand, the fact that he wanted to put it out of the way somewhere seemed to imply that he intended me staying where I was for the time being, which was something that I would happily do. I hadn't known them for hardly more than half an hour yet I felt oddly at home with these two for some  reason. 

"I will be needing it after I've finished my tea," was my reply to his question. I didn't dare jump to the conclusion that they intended me to stay for fear of the disappointment should that not be the case.

"So where do you think you're going tonight that you will be needing that?" Asked the lady as she put a mug of tea down in front of me at the same time informing me that she had taken the liberty of adding a spoon full of honey in to my tea, she thought it might perk me up a bit.

"The best place for that thing is in the rubbish bin if you ask me," she added before I could reply to her question.

"Oh, don't do that, I have to return it to the person who's lent it to me when I've finished with it." I said in haste as George disappeared out of the door with it.

"Ha ha - I'm sure they are going to feel truly bless the day they receive that thing through the post." Said the lady with a chuckle and in a light hearted manner.

When George returned without the suit I dared now to assume that I was staying there for the night, it was now I that was the one feeling truly blessed. But at the same time pushing the terrible thought from my head that I wasn't going to be in Durness in time to catch my bus and worse still all the problems that was going to cause me.

George sat down at the table with me, then introduce me to the lady who is his wife and is called Jan. I told them then that I'm Katlyn Annabell so and so, and that I was on my way to visit a friend in Edinburgh, where I intended to find a job so as to be able to support myself. George and Jan are farmers from Yorkshire and are here enjoying a holiday in their new camper van before all the spring work begins on the farm. I didn't really intend telling them every little detail of how I ended up here, especially as I was having great trouble keeping my eyes open. But one question led to another and they both showed a genuine interest without judging me at all, so I felt free to be honest. I even told of my formula one indiscretions with dirty Dave, although I thought it best to omit the finer details. 

Jan just said, "I can see how it wasn't ideal but if you've learnt something from the experience and put it to good use in the future then it wasn't necessarily a bad thing."

At one point Jan got up and served up a dinner of Shepherds Pie and vegetables. She had made it herself and I absolutely devoured it. With it being the first proper meal I've had in nearly a month I think made it especially good. When I said this to them Jan said that this probably had something to do with me collapsing everywhere. We talked some more over dinner, George being particularly interested in my stay at the house, he wanted to know every detail. He said something at the end that made me become all emotional. I was finding this situation so nice that I was feeling all the pent up tensions and emotions that had been building up inside me trying to burst out, it was so hard holding them back.

"I've known a lot of people in my time, some of them have impressed me over time and there are others that never have, but I can honestly say that no one has ever impressed me in such a shorter time as you have lass." Is what he said. I loved him for that, I found it such a nice thing to say. It made me feel so good about myself.

"What do you say Jan?" he asked turning to his wife.

"Well yes of course. I'm just amazed at how you coped all alone in that blizzard after that horrible man abandoned you like that. It scares me witless just looking at all that wilderness, I can't imagine how terrifying it must have been for you being lost in it. As you know, I've recently been on the wrong end of your stubborn tongue, it cuts deep but I would never abandon you for it, especially not out there in a blizzard." I saw George give a thoughtful nod in agreement with his wife's statement.

"I just did what I though I needed to do," I said in reply.

"Yes, and that's what I find impressive. You've got this idea of what you want to achieve and here you are still on track fighting to achieve it after all this time and hardship. Most people your age would have given up that day when you were laid up in that freezing cold derelict room with the flu and in pain with what was potentially a broken wrist and with nothing to eat."

It's amazing how you can go for years with little or no praise, even getting ripped to pieces a lot of the time and then it all comes at once in just one night. The thing is he wasn't finished yet. It's a bit embarrassing writing any more about it to be honest.

He went on further by adding, "I'd stake my life on the fact that if we kicked you out of here right now I would find you on that bus to Edinburgh in the morning, somehow you'd just do it wouldn't you. I don't have any doubt that you are going to get what you've set out to achieve" 

I didn't say anything, but I thought about what he said. Those thoughts being, that I would probably make it to the bus somehow but I would be traveling with a broken heart because of having to leave you two. Because of this I can't say that I was truly happy because it was always in the back of my mind that this was all just a temporary situation. If I had to say anything I would say that I was feeling warm and cosy. Anyway I didn't dwell on it as George then made a suggestion....

Escape - Young Madam. (3)

 "Now then, are you okay lass?" he asked.

I hesitated in replying because I didn't want to lie but on the other hand I didn't want to say the truth because of all the explaining that I thought would have to follow.

So before I made up my mind, which at this moment in time was something that was not proving very easy to do, he said," Listen, we've just put the kettle on, why not come across and have a cuppa with us and get out of this rain awhile?"

He said this at the same time as giving a little nod towards the camper van parked down the road. Again I hesitated, this time because I wasn't sure if I could make it that far, although having been sat here for a little while I did seem to be slightly recovered. The thing that decided me though was that I would be out of sight of that guy when he returned. So I thanked the man,  got to my feet and followed him.

"What was going on with him in the van?" he asked.

I needed what energy I had just to keep up with him so I wasn't about to get in to a lengthy explanation so just told him it was a misunderstanding. By the time we reached the camper I was just about ready to flake out again. He opened the door and motioned for me to enter, there was a woman standing there so I said hello and then I did something that I can't account for. I always take off my footwear before entering my own house let alone someone else's. Taking in to account that I was wearing wellington boots which I had simply to pull off my feet, but for some reason I bent over with the intention of untying laces, which of course they don't have. Then I recall the floor of the camper van coming up to hit me in the face.

The next thing I know I'm laid out on something hard with this bright white light, so bright that I didn't dare to open my eyes. I thought I was dead. I could hear someone talking, although it didn't really sound like words, it was sort of muffled. I certainly couldn't understand what they were saying, not at first. But then I did hear the person to my left more clearly say, "this is what happens when you go interfering in other peoples lives." 

It seemed to me that I ended up this way because of someone messing with my life and I can remember feeling really cheated by this. Then there was some sort of confusion as to who they needed to call and how were they going  to do it as there was no signal. I think I was more or less properly awake by now as the next thing the person on the left mentioned something about being still able to dial 999 even without a phone signal. Straight away I knew I didn't want any of that 999 and all the implications associated with it. The light didn't seem so bright anymore so I opened my eyes wide and shouted, "NO!"

It didn't exactly come out of my mouth as "no" because my mouth was so dry that my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth but it had the desired effect.

"Oh my goodness, you had us worried there," said the woman, before going on to say they were just calling for help. I couldn't speak until I had a drink so answered her by simply saying, "water."

She run me a glass of water and said to sit up but I couldn't very well, my body was so heavy, so the guy got down and helped me to sit up and then supported me while I took a sip of water, a lot of which went down the outside of me rather than the inside. I noticed there was a numbness to my lips, also my mouth was not working properly at first but after a few sips it improved although the numbness was still there.

The guy suggested that he got me off the floor and on to a seat. So I started to pull down the zipper on my ski suit while he lifted me to my feet but it was a bit of a fumble for me and then there was  a debate as to whether it needed to be removed or not, but I ignored him because I knew it was filthy and wet so he gave in and started to help me get out of it. 

"Oh! Hold on a minute, you've nothing on under here, and what you do have on it soaked" he exclaimed.

Writing about it makes me smile, sort of sweet and a bit innocent. Anyway I was wearing vest, panties and socks so not naked, except to the guy who I came to know as George. He was right about them being soaked though, due to the sweating thing that had been going on with me. 

The woman disappeared and soon returned with a robe and blanket and instructed George to shape himself as the door needed closing. Because my feet had been hanging out of the door while I was on the floor the door had been left open, but the rain and cold was blowing in so the place was now freezing. 

Then as George was pulling at my wellies and I was holding on to both him and the counter top the best I was able, the lady started going on again about me seeing a doctor.

How many more times do I need to say "Look, I don't want the doctor, ambulance, police, fire brigade or anyone else you can think of, I just need to rest, OKAY?" I snapped. immediately wanting to punch myself in the mouth for saying it, I felt terrible, such a shameful thing to do.

"Okay I'm sure, but you don't talk to me, or anyone else for that matter, in that tone of voice - young MADAM," she said, putting me very firmly back in my place.

It's okay, I deserved that.

Once my boots were off the suit soon followed and discarded in the doorway and the door closed. The woman helped me in to the robe that she was holding and after she fastened the belt, and with I still feeling great guilt I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a big hug.

"Please forgive me, it just came out. I don't want to get involved with those sort of people that's all. I really am sorry." I said.

"I've said things I've regretted saying in the past so we'll just forget about it this time, I'll put it down to you being so poorly. you had me so worried collapsing like that." she said.

I gave her another squeeze before George guided me towards the seat that went along the side of  the table. He sat me on the end but I shuffled to the far end where I  propped myself up in the corner. They disappeared to the other end of the van, I could hear them talking in low voices but could not tell what they said, I assumed they were saying something they didn't want me to hear but I didn't bother as I dozed off to sleep.

Reading through this may seem like it all happened over a longer period than wasn't actually the case so I will say that the whole incident from getting to the camper van to getting my cup of tea probably took no more than twenty minutes. It's just that I write in a long winded manner.

Escape - Pulled The Plug On Me. (2)

Had the weather not been so threatening, the day not so old and me not feeling so knackered I would have thumbed a lift while walking along the road. But the way things had turned out I went over to some trees and waited there for vehicles to pass as they would give some protection should the rain get worse.

I had to wait for ages for the first car to come past, I was feeling so much tension it was exhausting. The occupants of the first car didn't even look at me and just drove on by. This happened several times but eventually two men in a works van pulled up which was a bit of a worry, this whole thing was a worry. If I'd arrived when I expected to I would just have walked all the way to Durness. It was especially worrying in this instance though as they weren't going the right way. I went to them and they seemed nice enough and said that they had to go and start a car for someone down the road but would be coming back my way if I want to get in. I didn't really fancy it though so declined. I think I must have been waiting for a stretched limo to show up or something! If they were being honest I could always get them on their return if I had no luck in between times.

Another couple of cars drove past before a small blue van with a dent in the passenger side showed up and stopped. The window went down and inside I could just make out this oldish man with big bushy hair. 

I'll pause there to give you a warning that the next paragraph has some very disgusting language in it. It's only a small sample of what I had to endure but I want to include some just so you can get a better picture. So please DON'T read if you are likely to be offended.

"What the fucking hell do you think you're doing?" he said before I could even ask for a ride.

"I'm looking for a lift to Durness," I replied rather cautiously.

"Well you can fuck right off you stupid little cunt," was his reply to my request.

I was completely shocked by his attitude.

Before I could add any more he went on about how he was fed up of having to feel sorry for pathetic young c--ts like me getting themselves raped and murdered. 

He finished off his tirade by saying, "Now piss off back to where you've come from."

I know I shouldn't have replied like this but I couldn't help myself.

"I take it that's a no then?"

He muttered something which I couldn't catch as the window was going up.

He crunched the van in to gear and sped off down the road before jamming on the breaks after about a hundred meters. It was clear that he'd been to grandfathers school of motoring. Again the van was crunched in to gear before reversing back towards me. I wasn't sure what was about to happen now, in fact it crossed my mind that he was about to try and run me over so I stood well back quite worried about this new approach. I got even more worried when he stopped and got out. Thankfully he stayed on his side of the van and laid in to me from there with more verbal abuse. I'll not subject anyone to anymore of the former as I think you'll get the picture by now. 

"You might think you're a smart little F----r with your sarcasm," he started before going on to inform me that he was returning down this road VERY shortly and if I was to be found on his return he was going to get me by my scrawny neck and throw me in the back of his van before showing me where begging for a lift will get me. He lavished this advice with an overabundance of bad language which he spit out like venom at me across the roof of his van, whilst banging his hand on its roof. Looking at the dent in the side of his van I got the impression I wasn't the first to be blessed with his advice. I didn't look but I can imagine he's driving around with another dent in the drivers side roof now.

I never even opened my mouth this time. I didn't bother to meantion that I was on a public highway therefore at liberty to be here if I wished, I even refrained from telling him that it was none of his darn business. I just watched with relief his lights disappear in to the darkness. 

I felt like someone had pulled out a plug from somewhere on my body thus allowing every drop of energy to drain from me. I wasn't feeling so good before he showed up but now I felt terrible. My legs felt like they were about to collapse from under me, my body and thighs were sweating so much I could feel my clothes sticking to my skin, even though it was quite cold. My hands were trembling to the point of having trouble wiping a droplet of water from my face, and I was having some problems focusing my eyes.

There was a rock back down the entrance to the track so I managed to get over to it and sat down, completely at a loss as to what was wrong with me and also what to do about the situation I'd got myself in to. I sat on the rock, in the dark and ever increasing rain, trying to think what to do but I literally couldn't. I seemed to be incapable of putting together a train of thought long enough to work even the simplest thing out. I just sat there with my elbows on my knees and my chin resting in my hands.

Suddenly, I didn't hear him approaching, a man of around fifty something was stood in front of me. I would have jumped out of my skin if I'd had the energy.

Escape - The WalkToThe Road (1).

 I said goodbye to my little room at around 4:30 this morning, I felt a bit sad to be honest. I called in at the kitchen to get something to eat during my journey. I just made a couple of sandwiches, I didn't really feel much like eating, I never do when I'm nervous.

I opened the back door to discover a cold frosty morning under clear skies. It was still dark, and would be for almost another three hours so for that reason I have to take my time and concentrate on where I was walking. Especially as there was also some ice around on any water that had collected on the track.

The track along glen grim.

I took it steady and was easily able to hit the marks I'd made on the map on time. When the day light came I was even able to make up some time so that when it got to 9:00am I was almost at the ten o'clock mark. I stopped for a little rest and to take a last look back down the valley before it disappeared for ever behind the corner of the hill. It was while I was stood there looking that I noticed something way off in the distance that I'd never noticed before. I was trying to figure out what it could be and why I'd never seen it before when stupid me realised with horror that it was grandfathers darn Land Rover coming along the track behind me. It was only a very distant speck and no doubt I was an even small speck to him had he noticed me. That was the question on my mind now though, had he somehow seen me and was he in hot pursuit, or was he simply attending to some job or other. Normally you would only use this track for maybe four things. One would be going to Durness for shopping which he wouldn't do as his Land Rover isn't allowed on the road. The others are attending to the two cabins, or going to pick up from the parcel box at the lodge house. Which ever it was, he was destined to catch up to me at some point. Grandfather and his Land Rover never move very fast but even so it was faster than I was able to walk, especially on this track and for the distance needed to be covered to the road. This meant that I needed to hide somewhere. Luckily I was at the part of the journey where there were lots of twists and undulations, so because he was still some way behind I was still able to carry on walking before needing to hide. 

The undulations of glen grim with rocks to hide behind up to the right.

I went as far as I dare which was near to the end of the undulating ground. After this the valley opened out broad and open, looked down over on all four sides. There was no real place to hide beyond here. Both cabins overlooked the valley as did the outer edge where the parcel shed is. So I figured that someone dressed in a bright red ski suit would stand out like a sore thumb. Also I had been walking for sometime since I last saw him so he couldn't be that far behind me now. I found a place a few hundred meters up the hill and behind some low rocks, they were just enough to hide me from the track. Now it was just a waiting game. All the planning and thinking that I'd been doing and this scenario never even occurred to me, I thought this was the easy fool proof part of the journey to Edinburgh. All I had to do was hit the marks I'd made on the map every hour and I would be at the road by one.

He wasn't more than ten minutes behind me and thankfully drove straight past. I came out from behind the rock and found a place where I could watch him travel along the track, I wanted to see where he went. He went past the tracks to the cabins so I reckoned he was headed for the parcel shed. This proved to be right, I was able to watch him all  the way such is the nature of the valley. I don't know what he did up there but it took him over a hour before I saw him leaving for home. It was such a long time I was starting to get in a panic thinking that he was sat up there waiting for me, and believe me, if he had known+ I was headed that way he would have waited there until one of us died just to have the satisfaction of catching me.

By the time he drove past me and I was able to come out of hiding it was ten past one, meaning that I was now two hours behind schedule with around two hours walking left to do, I was devastated but there was nothing I could do but crack on as fast as my legs would carry me.

Looking back down glen grim with rain approaching and the light leaving.

On reaching the part of the track that climbs up on to the road I was feeling quite tired but the light was starting to go, also there was rain in the air so I pressed on. It's quite a climb up to the road and I was really on my knees by the time I got there. It felt like there was hardly an ounce of energy left in me, I felt completely drained both physically and mentally.

Onward.

 Well good old Irene has come through for me after all, shame on me for doubting her. The only trouble is that I have to get to Durness by tomorrow night as she has me a room booked at a B&B. She bought me a ticket for a bus from Durness at 08:05 in Friday morning arriving at Inverness at 11:46 am. I then have seat on another bus leaving at 12:50 for Edinburgh arriving 16:35 where she will pick me up. I will be paying her back when I can get some money. I feel so much better about everything now. I can't believe it.

I spent some time this afternoon cleaning and putting back all the things I've been using. Apart from my own things I am also taking the bag that I've been using, the book that I'm reading, Jim's map and bandage. All will be eventually returned as soon a I can. I've decided to leave the bowl, mug and spoon here in the room as I don't want them to give the game away just yet by leaving them in the kitchen. I'm also leaving the sheepskin, blanket and pillow rolled up on the bed. I intend to call someone about them in time.

Also this afternoon I marked some rough distances on Jim's map to give me some reference as to what my progress is. If I set off at five and complete one segment each hour I will reach the road by one o'clock, that will give me at least three hours of day light in which to get a lift to Durness. It will be around twelve miles to Durness from where I attain the road, so I could walk it if there is no ride offered. It would take me all night though and I would be well tired by the time I got there.

Hopefully I will be back here again soon, but if not I would like to thank all those that have made my stay in this little room more enjoyable. 

Onwards to the outer edge and lets see what the future holds for us.

Two Choices.

 I had two choices to make with regard to tomorrow, and one of them wasn't staying here in this room. It was only ever meant to be a stopgap and I've been in here nearly a month. I can't believe how quickly that time has passed. I like this little room and I will miss it. At one point recently, when things were tougher than normal, I even considered handing myself in on a promising to behave myself if I could live in this little room. However I came to the conclusion that after nearly a month without me and considering how I spoke to my grandfather the last time I saw him, they probably got used to not having me around anyway. 

So, as one of the only two choices that I have for tomorrow is to hand myself in and go through a whole lot of pain and trouble for what I've been up to this past month, only to find out that I'm not welcome anymore anyway, or even if I am, I will find myself back where I started, so going through all of this carry on for nothing. I figured I was better trying to move forwards rather than backwards. 

I'm not sure why today feels like my last day before the execution though. I guess I'm not the adventurous type or something.

This Is My Last Day.

 I have decided, rightly or wrongly, that this is my last day in this room. If the weather forecast for tomorrow changes then I would also change with it as I'm not setting off in to the great unknown at the same time as doing battle with the weather. I have no plan other than to reach the outer edge by noon tomorrow. I'm heading south to Ullapool where I then hope to maybe enlist the help of someone off a ferry who is heading Edinburgh way. That is when I will contact Irene again, we will see then if she really is worried about me or just has cold cold feet about me staying with her.

Disappointment.

 I've had a bit of a set back today. I went and let it slip to Irene that I planned on getting to her house by cadging a lift from someone. Actually she asked how I was traveling down to Edinburgh, she had been assuming that it was by coach as there are no trains around here. Well, I couldn't lie so told her that I was hoping I could persuade someone to give me a lift as I had no money to travel any other way. She isn't impressed to say the least and has told me that she doesn't want me taking those sort of risks just to visit her. I like to think that she is sincere about what she says and isn't just using it as an excuse for getting cold feet. I was all optimistic too as she had told me how her local supermarket was always looking for staff, now I'm all deflated. Does it never end?

I could hear some one shuffling.

 Someone entered  the East Wing corridor this morning just after eleven. I was sitting in the armchair reading my book when I heard the biscuit tins that I set as an early warning alarm. I had all my bedding rolled up and ready to go as usual so I took a quick look round the room to make sure there was nothing that made the place looked lived and then went to the bathroom as planned, threw everything in to the hidyhole and stood listening. I could hear some one shuffling around in the first part of the corridor which is the other side of the bathroom wall but they didn't come down to my end of the corridor so I didn't have to enter my little safe room. I heard nothing for the rest of the day so when it got to around four I went to take a look but apart from the tins being on top of one of the book cases I could see nothing any different to usual. I've been on edge all day though.

I had a little chat with Irene last night, mainly to make sure she got home okay. I've told here that I am hoping to be leaving here on Thursday as that seems to be a good day for the weather. I promised to keep her informed as to what progress I'm making so that she knows when to expect me.

Round & Round.

 I seem to be starting to realise the gravity of the task I've taken on. It's almost all consuming, constant thoughts going round and round in my head, and it's sickening me. Not in a throwing up sort of way, but as a nervous drain. If it weren't for the thought of the sneering look on his face at another one of my failures I could have given up and gone down to breakfast this morning.

Pennine Walkies.

 I found a new book to read today called 'Pennine Walkies'. It's a bout a man and his dog who take on the two hundred and seventy mile hiking trail called 'The Pennine Way'. I enjoyed the other trail walking book so I'm looking forward to reading this.

I'm not sure whether I will get to finish reading the book as I am planning to leave here as soon as I can see a good window in the weather. Now I have somewhere to go there is no point in hanging around.

The weather seems to have been a lot calmer today and I haven't seen it raining at all.

A Day Of Nasty Weather.

 Today has been mega windy with some nasty wet weather at times. I'm sure grateful that I wasn't traveling anywhere today. I must be careful of this sort of thing when I make my move from here.

Irene has informed me that provided the trains are running she will be traveling back to Edinburgh on Sunday so I will be welcome anytime after Monday. I've told here that I will probably not be there for maybe a week or so but that I would give her some idea when to expect me closer to the time.

I wrote another little back post this morning which can be found on the 25th January 2024. I finished reading my second book today, I guess I will look for another one tomorrow, I'm not sure whether I will finish it or not though.

Be the best that I can.

 Today I have some good news but more importantly a chance to take a step forward. Irene replied to my message in a very favourable way. She seems absolutely thrilled to hear from me and even more so that I wish to visit her. Because this is the start of my new life I want it also to be a start of new ways of living that life. I need to work hard and be the best that I can. So with that thought in mind I knew I had to be straight with my reason for the visit, apart from it being nice to see her again. She seemed more than happy about it saying that I would have the choice of two rooms and that she was looking forward to the company. I'm feeling much better about it today as I no longer feel that I'm using her. I still have the problem of getting to Edinburgh though. It's a major concern as I've not been able to improve on my original idea.

Back Post For January 23rd 2024

 Here is another back post The Flat.

I'm a bit on edge.

 Today I managed to get a message off to Irene, it actually sent first time. I've not had a reply yet though so I'm a bit on edge about that. To be truthful, I am a lot on edge. Because of this I've not been able to settle to doing very much. I know, I never do much these days, but I haven't even wrote any back stories simply because all I can think about is the near future. There was a point where I entertained the thought of returning to grandfather, it just seems an easier option. I know though that the first time we had a disagreement, which would most likely occur the first day back with him, I would be sure be kicking myself for not going through with this.

I have two big problems. One being transport south and the other is somewhere to stay until I can get work and so afford some accommodation. This is why a good reply from Irene is such a big deal for me. As for transport, I have no idea other than cadging a lift, which I'm definitely not happy about. Maybe I need to try and be selective. I have thought of several other ways, none of which I'm willing to entertain.

Message to Irene.

 Good Day Irene,

Hopefully you remember me from the time we spent together on the train and at Edinburgh station this time last year.

I realise I've been a stranger since then and I do sincerely apologize for that - no excuses.

Anyway, the thing is that I hope to be traveling south in the next few weeks or so and I'm wondering if you would be up for me paying you a short visit?

I do realise that quite some time has passed, therefore things might not be as they were when we said goodbye, so please don't feel obliged to accommodate my wishes. I won't be offended or anything.

It would be nice to see you again though.

In Search Of Wifi.

Before starting the food run this morning I went in search of a better wifi signal. I was going to leave my bag in the kitchen but then thought that if I needed to hide somewhere whist on my mission my bag could give the game away. So I decided to take it with me.

On entering the kitchen there is a work top on the left, and also the opposite wall. The window is also in the opposite wall so no wall cupboards. The sink and ever boiling kettle along with the other appliances are on the window work top. The window is set high up the wall as in other servant areas. So no peeking outside. All other walls have wooden cupboards on them. Behind the door to the right is a wooden table that can be used to prepare food etc.

Across the kitchen diagonally is a three meter long passage, at the end of which. in the left hand wall is a door that leads to the main dinning room. The door opens to the right and behind it, almost the  length of the wall is a huge ornate dresser on which sits a massive ornamental bowl. Plus a few other normal sized ornaments. Pass with this dresser on your right and the head of the dinning table to your left, and in front of you is another door. I tested for a wifi signal in the dinning room and whilst it was better there than in my room I thought I would try for further improvement.

I quietly opened the door in front of me fully aware that I was now entering deep into the forbidden zone. As I slowly opened the door, there standing in front of me was the ticking clock. It looked much as I thought it would, a tall grandfather clock, slowly and methodically ticking away the time. Something it had been doing for many years. Stepping through the door I was in to what looked to be an entrance hall which was laid out exactly the same as the upstairs landing. To my right was the foot of the large staircase. Just beyond this and leading away down the side of it was a passage way. This passage I assumed was the other end of the one that ran down the side of our stairs. In the wall to my right were double glass doors giving access to a cloak room type place, this was obviously the front door. In front between the clock and the front door was a single glass door. As with the front doors the glass was in small panes and not one single sheet of glass. I didn't count them but at a guess I would say there were fifty panes in a single door.

To my left now was a corridor leading away in to darkness. Follow this corridor and after five meters it opens out to the right in to this gigantic room. The ceiling was two stories high and the corresponding upstairs corridor also opened out in to this room but only had viewing access down in to the room. This was a very dodgy room for me giving such access as it did. So for that reason I limited myself to viewing it only from the downstairs corridor, that way I couldn't be seen from upstairs should anyone be looking. Also noise would have easy assess to travel up to the bedrooms. I had got to be good at being quiet though. Grandfather would be proud that I was putting his lessons to good use. At the far end of this room was an amazing bay window from ground to ceiling, so two stories high. I've never seen such a window before.

Apart from the massive room, high ceiling, tall window, in the right hand wall was and equally impressive fireplace which was set back in it's own little room. This alcove type feature was around four meters deep and just as wide and down each side were benches with cushions. I should imaging it would be very warm sitting that close to such a large fire.

The centre of the room was mostly full of armchairs and couches with a low table in the very center. Against the left hand wall were a couple of cabinets and a low dresser. And close to the passage where I stood was a door, presumably to another room. I didn't venture through it but instead retreated to the dinning room. I felt super vulnerable in the big room with it being exposed to the upper floor as it was. I didn't even get my phone out to check the wifi. I thought I would try to do what I wanted in the dinning room first.

It was very slow to download Whatsapp but it did at least stay connected which is the problem I have in my room. If I try to do something substantial it disconnects before finishing. I got it all set up while I was there too, so now all it has to do is send a message which hopefully it will managed to do from my room.

I now quickly got the food and drink that I needed before retiring once again for another day of solitude. I was quite tired after my mission which was a bit stressing.

Another Covert Mission.

I had a thought today, well actually I had lots of thoughts, all I seem to do these days is think. For this idea to work though I am going to have to undertake another covert mission before tomorrow mornings food run. I'm not sure what if any risk there is over and above the risk I usually take, but I think it will be worth it, especially if it helps the stars to align. The thing is as I've said previously, I have been looking to enlist the help of Mrs Scott to assist my escape but for whatever reason she is proving to be illusive. Most likely on account of me not being able to remember the name of her guest house correctly. I had no need to remember it at the time, and the piece of paper that it was written on for emergencies is long gone.

Then while I was thinking I got around to remembering Irene from Edinburgh. We met on the train on the way up here and we got on really well. Could I impose myself on her though? Not rightly so, or at least it wouldn't sit well with me. I promised to keep in touch and I haven't. I hate people who only get in touch when they want something.  However if I remember right, she did say to go and visit her if I was ever in the area, even adding that she would give me a tour of the city. Who knows, maybe she didn't mean it, but I've chosen to convince myself that she would be delighted to see me despite my neglect. 

"By letting other people down you let yourself down girl," I can hear grandfather say.

Of course it would only be a visit, not even a sponge like myself would impose job seeking duties up on her. 

So tomorrow mornings mission is to locate enough wifi to enable me to reinstall 'Whatsapp' onto my phone. I deleted it sometime ago along with all the social media rubbish that I became obsessed with, although I think that strictly speaking 'Whatsapp' is more of a messenger service. But it's a Meta app so it got the chop. 

I Still Have A Voice.

 I found that I had to give myself a talking to this morning. I got to thinking while eating my breakfast how I hadn't heard my own voice in over two weeks. I didn't even realise this until now. I think this is because I'm always thinking about things like what I'm going to write about in my diary and it seems like I am talking but in reality I'm not. Anyway I got to thinking that I needed to hear my voice again so I shut myself in the bathroom and read a sentence from the book I'm reading. Thankfully I do still have a voice. The reason for undertaking the experiment in the bathroom was that it's enclosed, so more sound proof, although it was four in the morning so I'm doubtful that anyone was around. Also, with it having no windows I could light my book up with my phone which is something I daren't risk in the bedroom because of the window. 

 I've had no luck in tracking down Mrs Scott. I think my biggest problem is the wifi, or to be more precise, the lack of it. I'm to far out on a limb where I am. When I did my school work the laptop had to be connected by a cable and that was a lot closer to the main part of the house than I am now and even that could work properly with wifi. I've had no more response to the emails I sent out, that doesn't mean to say I won't, its not a good time of year to be looking for work in hospitality, especially up here. 

I am pleased to be able to say that I am now free of ailments. I no longer have my arm bandaged up and thankfully it all works as it should. My cold has gone apart from the occasional little cough and my forehead and finger, which were never a problem anyway are all better. So as far as fitness goes I'm all set for moving on from here.

Two New Back Entries.

 I've added a couple of new back entries today, here are the links: Walking The Stairs and Midge Attack

Hearing Things

I have spent some time today trying to find the address of the guest house that I stayed at in Inverness on the way up here. Mr and Mrs Scott seemed nice people so I've been thinking that maybe they would help get me set up with some work somewhere. I thought I knew the name of the place but I can't seem to find it online anywhere.

I thought I heard a noise this morning around ten so that threw me in to a bit of a flap. I got all my things in to the hiding place and I stood listening for ages but heard nothing else. After a while of silence I relaxed a little but left my things in hiding for the rest of the day. I explored the passage in the afternoon but the tins were still in place and nothing looked out of the ordinary. I'm not sure what I heard but it was good practice for the real thing.

A Bit Of A Different Entry Today.

 Today I have added a new back entry to this journal. For those interested the link follows. The Arrival

As this diary is record of  my own experiences and memories I tend not to elaborate on subjects that for me are side issues that I already know the answer to. Feeling that if other people who enjoy reading my diary want to know more they will ask me and I will then do my best to explain. Today being a bit of a slow day with regard to anything happening I thought I would take the time to answer something that I have been asked about several times, just to save me having to answer basically the same question over and over.

Roughly speaking the question is, who are the other people who live here and what is their purpose? I will start at the top and work my way down in the general order of things.

The Invisible Man: That's my nickname for him. He is the owner which none of us are allowed to even mention let alone see or discuss. He is a very private recluse and so out of respect for that and the fact that he is providing me with a roof over my head, I won't say anymore about him. Also I don't really know any more about him.

Ms Oliver: She is the personal assistant to the above mentioned. She is around sixty, quite tall and slim build with short hair which changes colour from time to time. Always dresses smart and addresses us all with authority. She is the only one who can see the Invisible Man and one of three people who has permission to enter the private part of the house. Her roll is to basically do all the things the Invisible Man would do if he wasn't a recluse. I find her strict but fair.

Grandfather Tom: Otherwise referred to as Bongo. Sixty six years old. He is a pompous little fat man with a bald head, wears glasses and has a moustache. He is a sergeant major type, has lots of rules and standards that have to be followed to the letter, more especially so when it comes to me it seems. I'm the only one he has any real authority over so the others just tend to humour him. His role is mainly to look after the cabins but he also does a few chores such as seeing to the dogs and checking over the vehicles which I don't think he's very good at seen as how bits always seem to be dropping off them. I doubt he has ever had a good laugh in his life. A very serious man.

Cindy: Wife to Ivan and a superb cook. Very friendly and helpful. Cindy is in her forties, not thin but not fat either, with short blonde hair. She cooks all the meals that we eat so she never has time to do any other sort of work around the place. Cindy is my favourite.

Ivan: He is a tall slim man with a full head of hair and something on his face that he likes to call a beard. He has a Baltic surname yet Scottish accent. I think he is in his forties and does odd jobs/repair work in the house and looks after the gardens. Because of his roll as repair man to the house he is the second of three people that are allowed in to the forbidden part of the house. However he is not allowed any contact with the owner whilst performing his duties. Ms Oliver is key to organising this. He always looks like he is suffering from pain but apparently he isn't, he's just blessed with a pained look. 

Sheena: She is in maybe her late fifties, very slim with short dark hair. She is the housekeeper and for that reason she is the third of three people who has permission to enter the forbidden part of the house, BUT only after being authorized to do so by Ms Oliver. She also does all the laundry. Sheena is married to Dougie and they live in a cottage down by the loch.

Dougie: To look at Dougie I would say the he is younger than Sheena. He has a full head of black hair, beard and is a very thick set and stocky man. I only really see Dougie on a Sunday when he comes to the house for lunch. I've never worked with him or anything. From what I can gather he looks after things out on the estate. He also takes people stalking and fishing. He's always cheerful enough  and pulls my leg quite a bit. He makes me laugh, which annoys grandfather immensely.

Me: I have long brown hair, 158cm tall of slim to average build. I'm the rebellious youth of the estate - apparently. My roll here is to learn both intellectual theory and practical improvement, Grandfathers words, not mine. Basically he means I have to improve my general standards, intelligence, morals and manners. All of which it seems I am deficient in, if you listen to him. When I'm not doing lessons I have to do work which usually involves helping one of the others. So that means I've done cabin work, garden work, laundry work and a bit of work in the kitchen. It's all part of my improvement plan and I do enjoy it for the most part.

I hope that answers the questions for some of you who wanted to know. As I said at the beginning, I don't want to make a habit of explaining side issues as part of my entries as that's not what this is about, but I don't mind making the odd exception if enough people ask the same question and it helps you understand something better.

A Reply To My Mails.

 Today I finished the book that I've been reading and for the most part I've enjoyed it although I found the end part of it a little disappointing in that the walk seemed to be rushed so it was harder to feel a part of it. The one I've found to read next is a Victorian farmers diary. I've only read a few pages so far but I'm interested in carrying on with it.

I got a reply to one of my emails today, They have made a note of my address and will get back to me if and when they need someone.

A Peek Out Of The Back Door

 So, what have I done today? Well, not a lot other than the usual. When I did the food run I did take a peek out of the back door, mainly to see what the weather was like and how much snow is left. It was hard to tell in the back yard though because it's either been run down or moved around but there still looks to be quite a bit.

I don't usually venture far away from the task in hand which is gathering food for the day. I try to be as quick but careful as I can so that I spend as little time out in the open as possible. I can't think why anyone would be coming downstairs at two in the morning but there is nothing to stop them if they wanted to. It's not really a fear of being caught as I think I would stand a good chance of hearing someone coming and so be able to hide. I worry about being cut of from returning to my room. 

Instead of porridge I had a bowl of cornflakes with milk, honey and raisins. I also found some Christmas cake in a tin so I had a bit of that also some cheese and crackers. The Thermos flasks are working out great. It all goes in the bag except for the cereals of course which I carry in my hand. I only need to make a single trip though instead of the three that I was having to make in the beginning.

Servants Quarters

Today seems to have been a bit miserable with regard to the weather, from what I could see of which isn't very much. The windows in the East Wing are set quite high in the wall. I once saw a TV program that said that working areas and servants quarters in country houses such as this had windows set high in the wall so that the servants couldn't look out on the gentry. So I'm thinking that the East Wing was the servants quarters once up on a time. The same also applies downstairs in the kitchen and the pantries etc. It actually suits my purpose as it means I can freely move around without fear of anyone peeking in on me. The fact that this room has a fireplace and a bathroom makes me think that it's a room that would have been occupied by one of the top members of staff such as a butler, housekeeper or perhaps even a cook.

Today I was able to find some places to email with regard to work. I have thought of a bit of a problem in that if they want to interview me and I then have to wait to see if I have the job, where do I wait for their reply?

The rest of my day has been the same as past days, I have a steady routine going, no interruptions from anyone so long may it continue.

A Little Warmer.

 Today it seems that it must be a little warm as quite suddenly around eleven this morning the ice melted from the glass in the window. I have to say though that it didn't seem to have much effect inside the room.

However, unlike the heat situation my hand seems to be improving. It's still a little swollen but not as much as the last time I looked. It's quite a relief to me as I was worried that it was something that was going to require medical intervention, but now I think it just needs time. My cold has just about gone too, apart from the occasional cough so that's another positive. My forehead was just a graze, I think from when I tripped over the wire at chicken bridge. Although I did bump into a few tree branches that day also. My finger that I trapped in the pantry door was never really a problem, I just ended up with  a blood blister from that.

As my medical woes seem to be clearing up I've been deciding on a plan of action to extract myself this situation. I can't stay here forever, it would be a pointless existence that's for sure. I'm living like a rat. So I've managed to get some email addresses of local hotels so I'm going to mail them and ask if they have any work or if not could they save my details should they get anything in the future. I will also look further a field too. 

Because I have been looking for contact details I didn't get to write anymore back story today. The internet here is so frustration, I don't think it reaches to this end of the house.

I also spent some time reading the book I got yesterday. I'm actually enjoying it more than I thought.

A New Pass Time.

 Today, apart from the usual food run which I won't go in to again as it was much the same as in the past, no tour of the dinning room today though. I decided to pass the time I would try reading a book. There are lots to choose from in the corridor. In the end I chose one called 'A Pennine Journey' and it's authored by someone called Alfred Wainwright. I haven't read much yet but I'm enjoying it. From what I gather it's about a walking tour he undertook around the Pennine hills, I think before the second world war. It looks an old book so I'm being careful not to wreck it.

Also today I wrote another back dated piece for my diary, entitled, 'Beyond The Forbidden Door'. It's about the day when I went through the forbidden door to visit the East Wing for the first time. I would never have imagined then that I would one day be living in it. It just goes to show that you never know what's around the next corner. I dread to think where I will be in another six months time.

That's it really, A nice uneventful day.

Exploration Of The Dinning room.

 I had a good food run this morning. I took the thermos flasks down with me in the bag so less trips up and down the stairs with no risk of leaving a telltale trail spilt coffee. The flasks work okay and I've been enjoying warm coffee all day. I left them in the bag and wrapped spare clothes around them so I think that may have helped to keep in the heat. 

I had to make do with porridge just made with hot water today as there wasn't any milk that was opened. I also added honey and raisins to it so it wasn't to bad. It filled me up so that's the main thing. I was also able to make a sandwich for later in the day but instead of jam I had to use marmalade as the open jam jar is getting low. Also I had a really great find in the chicken bucket, almost half a Victoria sponge cake. I was reluctant to take it at first as I had doubts as to why it was in there but it looked fine. It didn't look like it had been kicked around the floor or anything. I took half of what was there and left the other half just in case someone missed it. It did mean me making an extra trip up stairs though as I couldn't really put it in the bag with the other things. It tastes so yummy!

At the back of the kitchen there is a door which leads into the dinning room to the house so after cleaning up crumbs and doing my check round I decided to take  a peek. Going about in the dark my eyes get used to it so I can see okay but obviously not as good as in the daylight but even so it looks an amazing room. Quite large with a massive table in the middle. There are a few chairs around it but there is room for lots more. The walls are of wood paneling and have portraits hung on them. At the far end is a large fireplace and at either side are built in glass fronted cabinets filled with plates and dishes and all manner of things like that. From what I could make out they looked very old. I walked round and then back out, I didn't touch anything.

I did some more back story today, I think I've finished off telling of my journey here. Time passes and I'd forgotten some of the feelings and emotions, even some of the details too. They're still there in my head and writing about it brings them all back out. Now they're written down so can't be forgotten.

So Cold

 This morning when I went for food my sleeve caught in the door handle on the pantry door and stopped me getting my hand out of the way in time, so now I've got a trapped finger to go with the injured wrist, bad cold and grazed fore head. I don't think my finger is going to be too painful thankfully.

I remembered this morning, when I was making my coffee, there were two thermos flasks in the picnic hamper that I looked in the other day when I wanted something to carry my belongings in. If they're any good I may even be able to make enough coffee to have a hot drink in my room throughout the day. I've rinsed them out the best I can here and they look okay on the inside so I will wash them out with some boiling water in the morning and then fill them both with coffee and see how we get on.

My cold has now developed in to a cough which is very awkward with regard to being quiet. I have to keep burying my head in the pillow. I just hope I can keep it under control when I'm downstairs in the morning. I took the bandage off my arm today for the first time. I didn't like to take it off before as I didn't really want to see it. Also I wasn't sure if I could put it back on again as well as Jim did it. I did manage okay though. I think it's on the mend as it's not hurting quite so much but both wrist and hand are still swollen. 

It's been really cold in here today. There is ice on the window panes, the fingers on my right hand and my nose have had frost bite several times I reckon. I can even see my breath. I dread to think how cold it must be outside. For this reason alone I'm going to be staying where I am for a while yet. If I end up sleeping rough I want it to be warmer than this.

I've spent most of the day in the little armchair with the sheepskin pulled over me. Thank goodness for the sheepskin! I've done some more writing. I've more or less cleared the backlog from the new year so I think tomorrow I will continue the back story about my journey here. 

Precautions

 Today I have made a few more entries, there is still loads to catch up on though. It's not easy doing it on the phone. Also today I've been trying to organise myself and my things a little better. If someone should come then I've pretty much been a sitting duck so to speak. I haven't bothered doing anything about it until now because basically I have been feeling quite ill what with the cold and my wrist, and of I wasn't sure what I was doing. Also I wasn't really sure what I could do to hide myself anyway. But yesterday I was looking around for somewhere to hide some of my stuff away and I accidentally discovered quite a nice hiding place. If someone knew I was here and came specifically looking for me then I would still most likely be discovered. But if you were just casually looking around being nosey then I reckon I would be okay. In the bathroom, between the end of the bath and the wall, there is what looks to be a tall floor to ceiling cupboard but whilst the top half is a cupboard with a couple of shelves and a water tank the bottom half is an empty space that is paneled off, no door. By the looks of it there was once a water tank in there too as there are a couple of pipe ends that are simply hanging lose. I think at some time the panel was screwed in place as there are small holes all around the edge of the lose panel. I've used some of these holes to thread some wire through that I found in one of the rooms so that one edge of the panel is now permanently attached but I can still move the other side enough for me to put my things in and enter myself if needed. I just have the one piece of wire fastened to the opening side so that when inside I can pulling it tight shut and then wrap the other end of the wire around a pipe.

Another thing that I did was to take out the light bulbs from the bathroom and the bedroom. The bulb in the bathroom is the only source of light, there is no window so this would also hopefully help in making my hiding place less discoverable. I took the one out in the living room so that I don't accidentally turn it on, also I didn't want anyone deciding to use it in the bathroom. So now everything except the bedding lives either in the safe room or just outside it, depending on how much I use it, ready to be thrown in should I need to. So, if I hear someone I can just roll the bed stuff up in three to five seconds and disappear in to the safe room. 

When rooting around in the junk room opposite for some way of fastening the safe room panel in place I noticed three empty biscuit tins. So part way down the corridor to my room, more or less at it's darkest point I've balanced these tins on a small low table and underneath them I have placed this meter long shoe horn which sticks out in to the passage. The idea being that you walk in to the shoe horn which will pull the tins crashing down on to the wooden floor. So with the noise of the tins and all the cursing that would follow I should get more time to react. 

I'm calling the thing a shoe horn because that's what it looks like but I've never seen one that long before so  it maybe something else in reality. It has the shape of a shoe horn and at one end it's bent to form a hook shape. I'm just hoping that someone doesn't see it as a trap before it goes off. They shouldn't as it does blend in with all the other stuff that I have to keep on dodging around every time I use the corridor.

So that's it for today apart from the usual food run, diary work and sleeping.

Rubbish Connection.

 Today I have spend most of the time catching up with my diary entries which I'm having some trouble posting simply because I can't get online very well. I can't write them directly on the site so I'm writing them to my phone and then copying them over when I can get a wifi connection that stays connected long enough. I've never had any sort of cellular connection since I go here.

I went on a food run at just gone two this morning. I got pretty much the same as yesterday except there were no blueberries open but I found some raisins to mix with the porridge. I made three sandwiches with bread from the chicken bucket, I know, it sounds gross but it's okay. If there is new stuff coming in the old stuff will get thrown out to make room. Anyway that's what I got and so there is no worries about anyone noticing it missing. My biggest problem this morning was all the running up and down the stairs. I have to take up the sandwiches, then come back for the porridge, go back and made sure every things looks like no one has been there and then come back upstairs with a mug of coffee, also I have to be really careful not to spill anything in the darkness. Anyway I managed, as far as I can tell anyway.

Toe Raids In One Day.

 After eating and making my bed up I settled down and went to sleep. When I woke it was light but as usual I had no idea how long I had slept. I must say that even with my cold it was a good sleep. For the first time since I moved in here I was too warm. I started off with the sheep fur against my me but I find that when it touches exposed skin it's very itchy so I soon turned it over so that the fur is on the outside - like a sheep wears it. The underside feels a bit stiff but it's okay, I soon got used to it.

Not knowing what the time was reminded me of the four o'clock chime of the ticking clock and it was then that it came to me in a flash, I could go down the corridor and listen for the chime. So I got up and without bothering with my boots so to be as quiet as possible I went down to the end of the corridor. I did feel a bit exposed here but just hoped I would hear if anyone was approaching and have time to run for cover. I don't think this part of the house is visited very often anyway.

Waiting for the chime dragged on, I think it must have been one minute past the hour when I arrived at the door because it took so long that I began to fear that I couldn't hear it for some reason. At one point, to pass the time, I tried to work out what day it actually was. I came to the conclusion that it was the 5th, therefore a Sunday. Sunday on the estate stands out from other days in that for one thing I don't have lessons but mainly it's the only day everyone has to go down and have dinner during the day rather than in the evening. It's a sort of social occasion, so much so that even Dougie and Sheena have dinner with us. Anyway I've probably said all this before somewhere. The thing that I'm thinking is that everyone will be at dinner from two until maybe four so if I could get from here and through the forbidden door without being seen by the invisible man I would be free to go and get some things from my room in the flat. I know, it sounds risky but I don't think it would be that bad as long as everyone is doing the same as usual. I would just need to hope that grandfather isn't laid up again or something. Even if Ivan is still ill I shouldn't really come into contact with him.

Eventually the bell tolled, and apparently, if I counted right it was eleven o'clock. I'd got three hours to make my mind up. Actually it was three hours to talk myself out of it because in my mind I was already doing it. It was worth the risk simply to get my phone so as I didn't have to stand around for hours on end listening for the ticking clock to chime. I could plan better if I knew the time.

I lay in my bed keeping warm and thinking of things to get. I had to be quick, so I wouldn't be packing a suitcase or anything, nor could I strip the place. I could do with a bag of some kind. I got up and went across to the junk room opposite. There was a picnic basket that was a nice size but on opening it I found it still had plates, cups, cutlery and things in it. Then in the corner stuffed inside a tea chest I found a holdall, it was just right for what I want. It's black with writing saying 'BOAC' on one side and has both handles and a shoulder strap. So I borrowed it.

I went back to the door when I thought it was nearly two o'clock, but as it turned out it was only one! The thing is, was it one or had I not heard one of the chimes?

'What a carry on,' as Jim would say.

So I went back to my room and eat half the sandwich that I had and hung around for a while before heading back to the door. I became terribly pent up waiting, I was ready to give up on the idea at this point. It was only the fact that it would be so helpful if I could get a few of my things that made me stay true to the plan. I had to really concentrate as I needed to be dead sure this time as to how many chimes there were. I couldn't afford to doubt myself at all. It's so hard to concentrate on nothing though. Eventually, after what seemed like two days I heard the clock strike two, it was defo two for sure. I couldn't go yet though just in case someone was late. I knew grandfather wouldn't be late and Cindy would already be down there anyway doing all the work as usual. It is a sin to be late so I reckon fifteen minutes and I could go go go!I actually counted to sixty fifteen times, because you know what my clock is like.

I had to be careful how I opened this door now, I definitely didn't want to bump into the invisible man. This is where you have to be slow and take your time. I cracked the door and listened as I couldn't yet look through it, the gap wasn't big enough. I could only hear the ticking clock. All I ever hear is the ticking clock. I opened up a little more and now I could see nothing and only hear the usual. I judged it to be clear so I made a start. I was literally trembling with something, not sure if it was fear or excitement. I didn't bother messing around with the forbidden door as I reckoned I was in more danger from this side of it than the other. I went quick and quiet and soon I was standing on the landing. I could hear them talking downstairs and the smell of Sunday roast was amazing. If it wasn't for the thought that I would have to eat humble pie first I would have gone down and joined them.

Instead I climbed the three steps and opened the door to the storage area and then made my way across the room to the door to our flat. All was quiet again now except for the wind blowing over the roof of the house. I opened our door and thankfully there was no one there. There was a nice fire going though. I just went straight through to my room. I had to be calm so as not to forget anything. It felt really strange being in my room again. Everything appeared to be as I had left it. Even the hairbrush was still laid on the bed where I threw it before going down to breakfast on New Years Morning. I never thought then that I wouldn't be coming back again - except for now.

I picked up my phone AND charger. Underwear, socks, hair brush and hand mirror, a change of clothes and a few other bits that I could squeeze in to the bag. Before leaving I looked round to be sure there was nothing else. I felt a sadness come over me - even to the point of feeling a lump in my throat. Talk about stupid, I can't stand the place. I guess it was my place though. Now I'm a homeless squatter with nothing but what I can fit in a holdall. Crossing back out of the storeroom I noticed my boots and thought they might be better than my wellies if I had to do some walking but they wouldn't fit in the bag and I was still limited to one hand so reluctantly I had to leave them. This was a good thing though as grandfather would probably have noticed them missing. I need to be more careful. Stick to the plan.

Freedom To Choose.

 I woke this morning feeling really rough with a cold. I wish I hadn't fallen asleep when I did as I lost track of time. As it was I didn't know whether it was two o'clock or six o'clock. It made a difference because unless I was ready to hand myself in, six o'clock would be too late to do anything other than confining myself to this room.

When I woke again it was broad day light so absolutely no chance of straying far. I hadn't eaten anything in over twenty four hours, I was freezing cold and could hardly breath, I was feeling wretched to be honest.

I hadn't decided on what to do with myself. I lay most of the day on the bed thinking about things and dozing on and off as and when the bone chilling cold and painful wrist allowed. What I was doing was stupid but while I was here I had the freedom to choose, but to choose what? I couldn't make my mind up.

Seen as how a lot of the day had passed I decided to stay another night and go out when everyone is in bed and see what I can scavenge to make things more comfortable. For sure I was desperate for a clock of some kind. I need a quilt or something for the bed, something to eat. I did have all the water I could drink in the bathroom, although no hot water. I heard no sound of anyone all day, well, not while I was awake anyway. I did what I could to stay awake for the rest of he day as I needed to be awake when it went dark and then try and keep track of time best I could from there.

For a while I went across the passage to the room opposite as I remembered it to be full of all manner of things so I thought maybe there would be a clock. I did find two wall clocks but they needed batteries so no use to me.

A Second Visit To The East Wing.

 I was out of the house this morning by six. I'd written Jim a little note yesterday which I left for him on the table. I thanked him for his help and kindness and also confessed to borrowing his map which I planned on returning one day if possible.

The sun was nowhere near rising but it was still quite easy to see where I was going because of he snow casting a brightness. I couldn't help but think that when I arrived the snow stopped me from seeing whereas it was now helping me.

I crossed the bridge, very carefully as I only had the use of one hand this time. I completely never thought about this until I got to the bridge. Thankfully the boards were mostly clear of snow now. I don't think much snow must have fallen since I was there the other night as I could still see some of my footprints, and also where I tripped up over the wire cable. There were also some other prints which I am going to assume were grandfathers from yesterdays visit as they led through the trees and to some vehicle tracks just out of the wooded area. The vehicle tracks made things easier for me as I had something to follow. Because of the snow the rough track that Jim told me about was well and truly buried.

I must say that the going wasn't very easy although much better than the other day, at least it was level and once the sun came up the scenery was nice. Just hard work because of the depth of snow. I tried keeping to the vehicle tracks as much as I could but they tended to be more slippery.

I noticed when I woke up that I had a bit of a sore throat but then thought no more about it. However, as the day wore on I began to feel quite drained. I pressed on though and I'm reckoning that by lunch time I was somewhere near to where we left the Land Rover when going to the cabin. It was hard to say exactly as everything looked so different today. There was quite a wide area of land here between the base of the hill and the trees by the river so I'm thinking this is where I was wandering around the other day. I could see roughly where we climbed the hill and on to the track. I felt a bit stupid that I got lost in such a place, but that day I could hardly see for any distance around me whereas today I could see forever.

At this point I knew I wouldn't be walking to the Durness road, not that I ever really was. It must have been around lunch time although I wasn't sure as I had no clock of any kind to go by, just guess work going by the sun. Now that I was drawing closer to my destination I got to thinking more and more about how I was going to handle my reception. I was pretty sure I wouldn't welcomed as a hero, and definitely not as a prodigal grand daughter. The more I thought about it the more my Durness road plan seemed like a good idea! Mainly just for a bit of fun and to pass the time I started to think of how I could make it work. For sure it was something that I would need to do tomorrow and not today. I'd need somewhere to spend the night in that case. I thought of all the out buildings at the house and the best by far would be the boiler house. I would need an early start to give me time to reach the road and to get away before anyone spotting me from the house. Then I thought of the little room at the end of the east wing, it even had a bed in it unless someone took it out since I was there. By now I had reached the junction of tracks. To turn right would take me to the Durness road, to the left was the house which I could see in the distance. I sat a while to rest and whilst doing so formulated my plan to infiltrate the old butlers room at the end of the East Wing passage. For sure it was a crazy plan that would never work but it did appeal to my sense of fun. It's not like I would be breaking in to someone's house, I live there. If I walk in now I'm going to be slated so what's to lose? I persuaded myself I had to try it just for the fun of it. What's to lose?

I sat there until the sun went down before making a move so as not to be seen from the house. I needed to do this in case I carried out my silly game. It was fully dark when I reached the front entrance so if I hadn't been seen approaching it's unlikely that I would be now as I made my way around to the back door. Between the front and back drives there is a mound of earth on which grows trees and shrubs. I worked my way through these until I reached the a place where I could see the back door. I was really up for it. The thought of spending the night with grandfather was not at all appealing. To walk in and be met by everyone was not appealing either. I'm not sure what I was looking for but I watched all the same. They would all be having dinner soon so I couldn't really do much within the house until sometime after that. I didn't want to sit here all that time if I could help it was it was bitter now the sun was gone. Everything looked clear outside so I went down to the back door and looked through the keyhole to see if I could see anyone in the passage, it looked clear to me and there were no lights on in the laundry room so I quietly opened the back door, stepped in and softly closed it behind me. I was totally exposed now, it only needed Cindy to need something from one of the pantries, or anyone just using the passage, there would be no time or place to hide. So I just had to move fast and quiet, there was nothing to be gained by sneaking around. The laundry consists of three rooms, a drying room with a glass roof that was open to the back door passage. Then off that room was the room with the machines and another which was used to store the cleaned items. I chose the store room to conceal myself which I did on one of the racks between the wall and a pile of sheets. I reckon in the unlikely event that someone should come in I wouldn't be seen unless they took the actual sheets I was hiding behind.

I lay there for ages listening and waiting for everything to go quiet. Cindy is usually the last to leave and I can tell when she goes as she turns off the radio. When it had been quiet for a while I crawled out my hiding place. I was pleased to leave it as it became a bit uncomfortable after a while and I seemed to be there for ages.

I opened the door into the drying room and couldn't hear anything except for the fridge's in the kitchen and the only bit of light was coming through the glass roof. I crossed the drying room to the passage that led from the back door to the house. From here I could see to the kitchen door and whilst there was a dim light coming from within, I assumed it was from appliances such as microwave clocks and what have you. I didn't hang around and just went straight up the stairs and on to the first landing. Here I stopped and put my ear to the forbidden door which I needed to pass through. I could hear nothing. On cracking the door open though light came in from the other side, I hesitated. Thinking back I remembered the arch with the buttress and how it protected the view of this door to some extent. I decided to open the door a little more, it was a nice door, the catch was smooth and silent and there was no creaking or anything so as long as you didn't slam it back against the wall or anything it was fine. I could see with the door opened a bit more I could see that the light was coming from somewhere down the big staircase, the upstairs was in darkness. I passed through the door and closed it behind me and then wasted no time in passing through the door on my left in to the unused east wing. I knew there was nothing to fear about opening this door as there was only junk behind it. I breathed a sigh of relief, I felt safe now. I did have to be careful navigating the passage though as it was dark and as I remember it there was quite a few bits and bobs dumped here and there which I would need to negotiate. I made it to the end, turned sharp left and went as far as I could and there was the door to the room I was looking for, the room that was to be my sanctuary for the night.

I entered the room and from what I could see nothing had changed since my last covert visit - except back then it was much warmer. Tonight it hardly felt any warmer than it was outdoors. I lay on my back on the bed and immediately started to question the sanity of what I had just done. It was designed as I fun exercise to pass the time and not to be a reality. I think grandfather is right, I am a blithering imbecile.