Sometimes, and even though my attitude is far more natural now than it was, on waking up, particularly if something has been gnawing away at my mind I can feel my old ways are still there somewhere within. Even so they have now been subdued for long enough to not really be a problem unless triggered somehow, like for instance the time mum persisted on calling for a doctor. I instantly know I've done wrong and just as instantly regret it.
On Saturday's I eat breakfast alone as I have to be at the stables for nine. Mum is usually in the kitchen with me preparing breakfast for dad when he comes in, but I'm usually gone by then so don't see him until the evening.
On arriving at the stables I looked for Rob but his smiling face wasn't there, and I had no reason really to expect it to be. But because of my mood I stupidly found myself disappointed that it wasn't. Lyndsey, the girl who runs the stables, is always the first there, and had been long enough to get one of the horse in to a stable. I arrived just after two other girls so because I was alone I got set the task of getting a hay net for the horse she had in the stable and then giving it a brush down.
At least she had given me something to do and I wasn't just left hanging around like a spare part which is usually what happens. When I was working on the horse I suddenly became aware of someone standing in the doorway. So I turned round to see Charlotte standing there with a smile on her face. Now this is when the stupid, ugly embarrassing side of me erupts through the surface totally uncontrolled by my now more normal self. I simply returned the hello that she had given to me and then carried on working, deliberately ignoring my friend to cause her as much pain as I could - just like my grandfather. It sickens me that I have that part of the family inside of me.
After a minute or so of her hanging around in the doorway and me totally ignoring her existence she said, "I'll go and find Lyndsey then shall I?"
"It's up to you, can if you want." I replied with a shrug of my shoulders.
Then she was gone leaving me instantly feeling like the fool that I am. The strange thing is that once it's happened it's completely gone, all the malice and evilness have gone, firmly put back from where they came, leaving me feeling utterly regretful for what I just did. What did I really expect from the poor girl? I suppose an explanation would have been nice, but I could have got that just by being nice to her. I don't know why I have to react this way.
Thankfully I at least know how to dig myself out of the hole I just got myself in to. I just dropped the brush on the floor and chased after her. She was halfway across the yard by now but stopped and turned towards me as I shouted her name. As I got to her I reached for her hand and held it while I apologized, "I'm so sorry Chalotte, I shouldn't have done that to you, please forgive me."
As she didn't pull away at all and seemed happy for me to hold her hand I then brought her closer and gave her a little hug which she didn't reject at all.
"It's okay, I get a bit moody myself sometimes." she said in a very quiet voice. She is just like a delicate little flower. So gentle and sweet.
We had to leave off then as the others were returning, so I took her hand again and said for her to come and help me. We are best mates again after that which is far more than I deserve.
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