Laundry Duties.

 I've spent most of the day on laundry duties with Sheena. It's not really my fav job but the weather is a bit rubbish at the moment so at least I was out of that, also Sheena is okay to work with.

Grandfather was out and about for the first time today, I'm not sure what he was doing but I don't think it would have been too strenuous as he's under instructions from Ms Oliver to take it easy for a while.

Cindy has asked me to go round to their flat tonight if I wanted company, I may go depending on what mood grandfather is in.

Some Cabin Work.

 Grandfather continues to recover from his food poisoning episode and is now eating a little more. He has continued with the toast but has also had some soup for his evening meal. He's not yet ventured out of the flat other than to go to the bathroom. He is still feeling quite weak and spends quite a bit of time sleeping. Because he is unable to go about his duties I once again had to undertake most of them which meant I was out most of the day. Apart from yard jobs I also had to do a couple of runs out to the cabins. One with bread and milk and the other was to change over a gas cylinder.

After dinner I've spend time writing the next back entry to carry on from leaving the bus to Durness, I'm not sure when I will get it finished being busy with grandfathers work and what have you.

A While Longer.

 Today has been much the same as yesterday in that I haven't been doing a great deal. Grandfather has continued to improve although not enough to leave the sofa yet. I've said to him several times how he needs to drink and maybe try something to eat but he wasn't interested in eating at all and would only take small amounts of warmed water. Then this morning Ms Oliver came to visit him to see how he was and she suggested having a slice of toast to him and he jumped at the idea like as if it was the first chance he got offered anything to eat, so that was annoying. When she left she told me to make sure I looked after him. I'm trying not to think to much into that comment.

I've been toying with the idea of phoning my parents seen as it's nearly a year since I last spoke to any of them but I'm a bit scared if I'm honest. Scared of their reaction. I think in my mind I'm hopeful that time has healed some of the feelings and I could maybe make a return but I find the thought of that not being the case would be so painful that I am better off not knowing. As grandfather is a bit more mellow than usual at the moment I asked what he thought about the idea and his reply was simply, 'How often have they contacted you since you came here'?

I hate it when he asks questions that he already knows the answer to.

I guess I will leave it a while longer. 

Christmas Day 2024

 As with yesterday I was up before grandfather who was snoring slightly as I passed through his room so I left him undisturbed and went down to breakfast. Because I wasn't here for the Christmas Eve tea party I didn't get to open presents with everyone else so they were waiting for me and Ivan at the breakfast table.

When I got back to the flat grandfather was up and sitting on the sofa in his dressing gown so I made him a cup of tea which he stated was horrible. I got the log burner going to warm the place up before going out to see to the dogs and some of the other little jobs that grandfather would have done had he been well. Ivan had come out to help with some of the work so I was pleased about that. Everyone was having Christmas dinner downstairs together today so when I got everything done outside and hauled wood up to the flat and checked if grandfather wanted anything I went back down and gave Cindy a hand in the kitchen as my ban is now lifted.

I was hoping to get a good piece more of my back story written today but I decided to sit with grandfather instead as he was not interested in getting off the sofa so I felt I should keep him company seen as its Christmas Day. We didn't talk much, just watched TV. I spent last Christmas alone in my room so although this one hasn't been anything special it's an improvement on the last one. I guess this is as good as it will get now, although there is room for improvement as usually Christmas Eve wouldn't be spent at the hospital.

Christms Eve Poisoning.

 Well today has been a proper carry on. I got up this morning as usual to discover my grand father was still in his bed which is not usual at all. Because of his early morning attitude towards conversation of any kind I was loathed to disturbe him so made sure he was breathing and then went downstairs for breakfast which was still being prepared so I went outside just to see what the weather was like and to get some fresh air. I'm still barred from helping out with kitchen work or I would have given Cindy a hand. When I came back in I could hear my grand father kicking up a fuss which surprised me. Not because of the fuss but the fact that he was downstairs. It seems he had come down wanting someone to help him but when someone offered he just complained and screamed out in pain and threatened to passout and just generally being all dramatic which I found ironic considering all the times he's accussed me of being over dramatic. Anyway Ms Oliver came then and she made him sit down while she called a doctor or someone like a doctor who asked a load of questions and then decided to send an ambulance to take him away, until she found out where we live so then changed her mind and said we should get him to a hospital to get checked out by a doctor and have some tests done. So it was decided that me and Ivan would have to take him to the hospital - oh joy! We didn't get back until after 10pm So we missed the Christmas Eve tea party but at least now we know that grand father has food poisoning - no, it wasn't me! He's saying that it's caused by the cheap pork pie that Ivan got instead of his usual one! Of course it couldn't have anything at all to do with the fact that he never washes his hands before eating or anything like that.

Bellyaching

 Today grumpy grandpa is even more grumpy than usual, he's got bellyache, and don't we have to know about it.

Okay, so you're not well, I get that and I'm genuinly sorry and will do what I can to help but when I do help don't give me a hard time just because it wasn't ready instantly.

I was supposed to be helping Cindy in the kitchen getting things ready for the Christmas Eve party but Ms Oliver barred me in case I've been infected by my grand father. So instead I've been helping Ivan in the garden, just clearing up old leaves and rubbish.

Christmas Porkie is Missing.

 Oh dear! It seems that Ivan isn't able to get grandpa his Christmas pork pie this year. Well thankfully he can't blame me, although I will no doubt be the one to suffer.

Something We Can Agree On

 It looks like being a nice day today and Cindy has managed to get the day off, which is very rare, so so Cindy, Ivan, Sheena and myself are going for a visit to the beach. Which is only around fifteen miles away but because of that stupid track will take us two hours to get there.

On leaving I said goodbye to grandfather who completely ignored me, but that's okay as I get some sort of bizarre satisfaction from exposing his ignorance, and even more from knowing it will be killing him that I'm out of his control for the day and so maybe getting subjected to untold pleasures.

We arrived in Durness at just before eleven, where we stopped at the shop for an ice cream and some biscuits and something to drink. Cindy and I had made sandwiches but we needed something as a treat for afterwards.

From this point the main road travels east along the north coast. There is a beach at Durness but it's pretty much north facing so we went to one just a couple of miles west at a place called Balnakeil. It's a narrow road as most are in this part of the world, especially as this one doesn't really go anywhere in particular. It does seem to get a lot of tourist traffic though, mainly because of the beach and walk to the lighthouse I think.

We passed the hippy camp, which is open to the public to go and buy their wares, which is mainly craft orientated. Once we got to the beach we parked up, with difficulty as there isn't much parking space. Opposite was a big house standing alone and looking a bit foreboding. Behind us was a small derelict church and a cemetery.

Old church, beach and house.

We walked along the beach to a small headland which when the tide gets to a certain point, effectively cuts the beach in to two beaches. At this headland are some rocks which we chose as ours for the day as it was nice and sheltered and quite a sun trap. We didn't strip off or anything, I never find that a wise thing to do as you either become a target for the midge's or a victim of hyperthermia. But I really enjoyed lying on the rocks with the sun kissing my body, and knowing that for a few hours at least I wasn't going to be harassed by anyone. It's funny how you can kid yourself in to thinking you're leading a normal life until you get a day off from it, then everything gets put into perspective.

Later in the afternoon the cloud started to build, no doubt dispatched somehow by grandfather, and it went a bit chilly, so we decided to take a walk along the road that leads through the dunes to the lighthouse. We didn't go as far as the lighthouse as the cloud was building all the time so we didn't want to end the day getting soaked.

Before going home we called in at the restaurant bar type place in Durness where I had a burger and chips and a Pepsi. It was nearly eight before we left there, by which time the rain had come on so the journey home was pretty wet. It made me think of my first time driving down that track. Apparently grandfather was told that day to pick me up in the truck that we were traveling in but he ignored everyone and came in that stupid Land Rover of his. It's still rough in the truck but it's more comfortable than the Land Rover, it also has a heater that warms you up plus windscreen wipers and lights that enable you to see where you are going. It just goes to show what grandfather is like.

As does his comment when we returned, "You picked a right day to go away" he said in reference to the rain, "I'm glad I didn't go." he added with great glee in his voice

I thought to myself, at last, we've finally found something that we can agree on!

Out For Delivery. (EXPLICIT).

 WARNING: This contains some naughty bits so don't read if you think you maybe offended. I've kept them as small as I can and still tell the story.

This morning after passing my usual inspection with flying colours, which tends to be the norm these days thankfully, I was instructed to change in to something more suitable for going out on the bike. There are two deliveries to the cabins needed quite urgently and grand father had other business to attend to.

“You will need bread, milk and eggs for 'Quinag' and just milk for 'Canisp'.” Miss Oliver informed me before I left the room.

I went up to my room and was feeling quite pleased, but not overly so as past experiences, of which there had been many, taught me better than to go getting all excited about anything. After  all there was still the possibility of this being another random act of disappointment. Before doing anything I got my note book and wrote down what I had been told while it was still clear in my mind. Having not long being back to doing bike jobs I didn't want to mess up again, not that I messed up the last time. I just got blamed for it.

It was a pleasant sunny day with some breeze, so it looked to be good as far as there being no midge's, things could change though so I decided in the end to ditch the shorts and put on light trousers instead. I remembered to take my head net but didn't end up using it, it's always best to have it with you though. My gloves were with my helmet, I always wear both when on the bike. So I would be as midge proof as is possible which is always the main concern when going anywhere here at this time of the year.

I picked up the box of items from the kitchen, checked them off against my list and then checked my list with Miss Oliver before placing them on the bike. Before setting off I gave the bike a check round as I'm continually being instructed to do so by the man with half his Land Rover piled up on the seat beside him rather than in their proper operating positions.

I took a steady drive up the glen, mindful that I had eggs on board, also I was in no hurry. I was enjoying the day so there was no need to rush to end it, which is always a bonus around these parts.

I went up to 'Quinag' first and dropped off the bread, milk and eggs, checking them off in my notebook as I did. The man and lady there had a chat with me, they only just came in yesterday so needed to know a few things which I helped them with where I was able. They gave me £5 for my trouble, which I tried to refuse. You can only refuse so much before it can start to appear offensive so in the end I just took it as I definitely didn't want to risk offending anyone. I'd be in right trouble when I got back

Next was 'Canisp' which was up the glen a bit further, before then heading up the opposite hillside. Apparently the person here had only moved in on Saturday so I was expecting maybe more questions. I worry a bit about this as I don't know everything and so am in fear of disappointing them or incurring the wrath of grand father. Anyway, I arrived there without issue, took off my helmet and gloves which I put down on the seat before taking out the loaf of bread. I was instructed not to disturb the resident and to leave any items to one side of the door, preferably out of the sun. I was just in the possess of following these instructions as there was no one around. I put the loaf down and was just trying to hide it from the sun behind a big log when suddenly the door opened so I looked up to find myself staring at a big pair of dangling bollocks and a good sized matching accessory, and more to the point, absolutely nothing else! Not that I'm an expert,  only ever having previously seen the one to compare it to, and I certainly wasn't going to be hanging around doing measurements or anything just so as to give you all a more accurate account of my findings!

I jumped back quicker than a startled rabbit and further than a kangaroo on super fast rewind. Only turning back to take another look when I was half way back to my bike, and even then it was only to check that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing because it all felt quite unreal. It was definitely the truth and what's more the guy wasn't doing anything to hide the truth either. In fact he was now shouting after me so I quickly continued to my bike and got the hell out of there as they say. 

To be truthful he wasn't shouting angry or anything, it was just things like “hey, it's okay, it's alright, I'm sorry to surprise you” things like that. At the bottom of the hill I stopped to recover and think about that happened and what to do about it. I wasn't that bothered about that which I saw, and as surprises go it only really had the same effect as any other surprise, of which I've had a few. I think it was the thought of what he might have had planned for me if anything. It maybe just a simple flash, I've never been subjected to one before. We used to call the guys at school a flasher if they didn't do up their zips properly but this old guy was on a completely different level to that.

I put on my helmet and gloves, which in my haste to leave, I had simply thrown in to the box on my bike in order to aid a speedy escape. I considered what my next actions were to be all the way home but came up with none. It's not something that's easy to bring up, especially with anyone here, and besides, do I really want to go down a rabbit hole like that. I've decided to just forget about it, the incident that is, it's not so easy to forget about the other! There was no real harm done after all and it's unlikely that I will ever see him again. I have more than enough problems without making more for myself.

Beyond The Forbidden Door

 10th July 2024

Tonight we have had a BBQ at Dougies and Sheena's as England are playing someone or other. I have no interest in football. I do like a BBQ though.

This afternoon I had to go for some packages that had been left at the lodge. I say that I had too but in reality I volunteered as I was already out that way on other business. The main reason though was that none of the guys wanted to miss the start of the game. There were three parcels in all so it was a bit of a struggle getting them all on the back of the bike but luckily I had a spare bit of rope which I picked up by the loch a while back.

After arriving home I went to get changed for the BBQ. On passing the forbidden door though, I noticed that it was not shut right too. Normally I would just have pushed it to and carried on my way but with no one being around I thought I could get away with being a bit ore adventurous today. I placed my ear to the crack in the opening but could hear nothing. So I carefully opened the door a little more and listened some more, all I could hear was a clock ticking, it put me in mind of one of those big grandfather clocks. I then opened it more, just enough to get my head through the gap and have a quick look. The door opens out in to a corridor, to the left blocking off the corridor was another door. In front was a wall and to my right was an archway through which I could see some banisters. One of the buttresses to the arch was mostly blocking my view so could see little else. So after listening some more I decided it was safe to step out in to the corridor so that I could get a better look. All was quiet except for the clock and my pounding heart. I crept forward through the arch and found myself on a huge landing area. To my left was the banister and beyond that was a very impressive staircase. In front of me, at the far end of the landing were two closes doors. To my right was a big window which overlooked the front of the house. I could also see that just after the head of the staircase a corridor led way to the left. I wanted to take a look but I didn't dare risk anymore so instead I took a look over the banister. I couldn't see much but what I could see gave the impression that the layout downstairs was much the same as that upstairs.

I took a last look round and had another listen but all seemed well so I turned my attention to the door across the corridor. At the time it felt quite safe to open it but afterwards when I had time to think about it I frightened myself a little as in reality there could have been anything behind the door. However it was much as I suspected so I guess I was simply trusting what my senses were telling me at the time.

As soon as I could see through the door it was obvious this part of the house had not been used for a long time other than for storage. The corridor stretch out before me, there were no windows although there was light coming from somewhere at the far end. There were items of furniture, magazines, bookcases full of books and even a bicycle. There was a door on the right about five meters long the corridor. I opened to find more stored items. I'm being kind when I call them stored items as a lot of the stuff looked like junk. I couldn't imagine anyone ever using them again. There were several broken down beds plus other items of furniture, some with covers over so perhaps they were the better pieces. Feeling the pressure of time, I moved on after a quick look round.

The next room, again on the right of he corridor had lots of clothes hanging from rails, all of which had a cover over them. Everything in the whole place was covered in a layer of dust. I looked at a few of the rails and from what I could see everything was old.

At the end of the corridor was a door behind which was a bathroom. It had a bath plus and toilet and wash basin, all filthy. It was at this point that the corridor took a sharp left turn and ran along to a further two doors plus a window at the end which is where the light was entering.

I was a bit hesitant to go any further as I was conscious of how long I'd already been, I never intended to be this long. Also I just expected much the same as I'd already seen. However I thought I might never get another chance so would have a quick look. The two doors in this corridor were right at the end and opposite each other. I took the door on the right first and found another room full of junk. This was all small items such as cases, old electrical equipment, toys, games, boots and shoes in boxes, just general crap basically. I would have liked a root though this room but didn't. I crossed the corridor and entered the last room and was surprised to find this one empty of rubbish. Apart from the standard layer of dust this room could be lived in. Under the window was a desk against the far wall was a small fireplace, against the left hand wall there was a wardrobe and matching chest of draws. Behind the door was a bed with a mattress but no bedding. At the far side of this was a bedside cabinet. The last piece of furniture was a small armchair. Beyond the bed and bedside cabinet, in the corner of the left hand wall was a door which on closer inspection led to a bathroom in which there was a bath, toilet and wash basin plus a cupboard at the far end between the bath and the end wall. It was small and dark, no windows, just an electric light.

Working my back through all the junk in the passage I could help but wonder why the one room was free of rubbish. It was probably just a hassle getting to it with it being so far away and all this other stuff to get past as the corridor was only narrow anyway, unless it just looks that way because of all the clutter stored in it.

It wasn't until I got to the door that I realised that this door was going to be tricky as it opened in full view of the landing area. I could be spotted before I even knew if anyone was there. There wasn't much I could do as I needed to get out so I chanced my luck, although I did open it slowly and listened intently.

I got changed and went off to the BBQ, no one questioned me or anything, which I wouldn't really expect them too. It was just my guilt that I was feeling.

Midge Attack

 17th June 2024

Today I had my real encounter with the dreaded midge's. I've already been bitten a few times in the past but today was different. Cindy asked me to take some rubbish out to the bin which is something I often do for her. As soon as I stepped out of the back door I could see literally swam's of the things. They are only very little but they have a big irritation factor. By the time I got to the bin and back, which is only like a hundred meters away I had about ten bites on my hands, neck and forehead. They got all in my hair so I had to undo that and shake them out. I should have know they were bad today as I saw Sheena arrive with a head net on and gloves. It's the first time I've encountered them being that bad. 

A Lost Sock Or Final Straw.

 You know how some days, however much you want to fight on you just wonder why it's worth it. I feel this could be my last ever entry, but I've thought that before and as with then I doubt it will be as I don't believe I even have the ability to do that properly. This has got to be some kind of hell where there is no escape and no improvement. It's a perpetual punishment for once upon a time having a bit of fun where I shouldn't.

He came in tonight and got right in my face, gave me his death stare while holding his hand out, his finger tips almost touching my belly and asked, "Where are they?"

Of course I knew to what he was referring as I'd spent all afternoon looking for one of them without any success. I looked at his little beady eyes grossly enlarged by the lenses of his glasses. If he didn't wear them I could easily have stuck my fingers in to eyes. I think he knows when I'm thinking evil thoughts because he always does something to take the moment away from me.

He puts his dirty washing in the basket behind the bathroom door. From there I take it down and put it in the machine to be washed. I then take it out when done and hang it up to dry in the drying room next door. Once dry I iron everything and fold it the way I've been shown and then take it back to the flat and put neatly away in his wardrobe draws. Now, you tell me how I could not see there was a missing sock when I paired them, folded and put them away in the top draw of his wardrobe? I can see how a pair of socks could in theory go missing, but not one. I even hang them on the line in pairs so they are sorted and I have never had just one sock on it's own. So now I'm thinking that he has deliberately hidden it or it was lost before I started doing the washing.

"It's not here." I replied calmly, knowing full well I wouldn't be allowed to stay in a state of calm for long.

"What do you mean it's not here, of course it's dam well here! Have you even looked for it?"

"Yes of course I've looked for it, I've spent all afternoon looking for it."

"So where is it then?"

"I don't know, and what's more I don't give a flying fuck anymore, I'll buy you another pair of pissing socks if they mean that much to you!"

Of course I couldn't as I don't have any money, but that would never have been good enough for him anyway.

"You need to learn some responsibility you do. You are in charge of the washing, and not only has your careless attitude led to my property being lost, you don't even give a dam about it. Stupid imbecile child!"

With that said he pushed me to one side and marched in to my room. I follow, unsure what comes next. He opened my underwear draw and then closes it before opening the one next to it with my own socks in it. I thought at first he was looking in there for his missing sock. He then proceeds to take each pair out in turn, throwing one sock of each pair across the room and placing the other on top of the chest of draws. He did this until the draw was empty then picked up the socks that he'd placed on the top of my chest of draws and started to walk off with them.

"Right, now lets see how carefree you feel about only having one sock to wear!" 

"Oh! Get this dam room tidied up before you come down to dinner, just because you yourself are an absolute disgrace doesn't mean your room has to be. There's people who would be glad of a room like this to keep tidy."

My room was spotless as it always is until he walked in to it and started throwing things around. With that he walked off leaving me with no will to live. He knew full well I wouldn't have time to tidy this mess up and still get down in time for dinner.

Lost Sock

 22nd March 2024.

I had just got changed in to my work clothes and was heading down to lunch when grandfather walked in to the flat, went to his bedroom before reappearing a minute later with one of his green boot socks which he started wafting about in my face whilst demanding to know where the other one to it was.

"What have you done with my other sock?" He asked, once again flicking my face with it.

I tried to ignore it as I was used to this sort of thing, it was done to intimidate me in to some kind of reaction that he could crush me over.

"I don't know where your sock is, I've not touched it.

"You did! I put them in the laundry basket and this is all you've brought me back." He announced with a certain amount of glee as he held he sock so close to my face it was touching my nose. 

I was hardly managing to contain myself and was on the very edge of grabbing the sock from his hand. I'm not sure what I would have done with it then, I didn't get the chance to find out as he quickly pulled it way as if he had read my thoughts.

"Well I don't know, it'll be somewhere around." I told him.

"Get it found this afternoon. Useless girl!" He said as he walked off, throwing the sock at me as he went.

I quickly followed him as it was lunch time and god forbid I was late, even if it were down to him holding me up with his stupid sock.

Walking The Stairs

 I've had a lesson on how to use stairs this morning, apparently I've using them like a herd of cart horses.

When on my way down to breakfast this morning I arrived at the bottom of the stairs to find grandfather standing there hands on hips, and half a fried egg in his moustache,  giving me the dead eye. 

"What?", I asked. Instantly aware that I was about to get it in the neck for some reason. One is never sure half the time. 

"Get back up those stairs and come down them properly", was his reply.

As I say, who knows what his problems is, I got to the bottom in one piece what more was there to coming down a flight of stairs? I got nearly to the first landing when I heard, 

"QUIET!"

This was when he informed me that I sounded like a herd of cart horses. Thereafter I climbed to the top and then came back down the four flights, two flights per floor. Being wooden with no covering it's hard not to make any noise.

I arrived at the bottom to be told to go and do it again as he heard me. I started to argue but was told, 

"Don't answer me back girl, or that will be another lesson you will need to be taught."

So this time I was determined not to let him hear me. This time I got half way down and then was told, "I heard that, do it again."

It was the slightest of noises as I stepped onto the middle landing. In my frustration I then went and made another noise climbing back up which got me bawled out again. 

This time at the top I took my shoes off and crept down in my socks half expecting to be accused of cheating when I got to the bottom. In actual fact he sort of gave me a compliment I think. I'm never sure as he can even make a compliment sound like a put down.

"Oh my goodness, you do actually possess some common sense after all," he said sarcastically.

But then, stupidly thinking that was  lesson over, I dropped my shoes on the tiled floor intending to sit on the bottom step and reattach them to my feet.

"What on earth is the matter with you?" He yelled.

"I'm telling you now, you WILL learn to do this even if I have to stand here all day teaching you," he said, right in my face now.

I was told to do it again. So off I went and at the second landing I was called back to the bottom.

"What are those?" he asked pointing to my shoes on the floor where I'd dropped them. 

I hate it when he asks me a question that he already knows the answer too. I told him they were my shoes, and then said he said that shouldn't I pick them up. So I pointed out that I was hopefully only going to be minute and then I'd be putting them on.

"Well it only takes one second for Ms Oliver to come around that corner, trip over your shoes that you threw there in temper and end up in hospital with a broken arm," he replied.

I'm not sure why he was referring to only Ms Oliver, if he wants to go down that road there are other people beside her. I didn't say a word, just picked up my shoes and set off back up the stairs - almost forgetting why I was doing it. Thankfully he didn't notice my heavy foot fall on the first three steps on account on him still going on about none existent broken arms. Apparently it amounted to sixty in total in the time it took me to climb the stairs and back.

"Right, now do it again so that I know it wasn't a fluke," he said as I stepped down from the final step and on to the tiles of the corridor floor.

I'm thinking that I want to punch him in his stupid face at this point, or at least give him a mouthful. I knew he would have loved that though so I said no words, had a look on my face that said no thoughts and moved in a way that made no sound as I climbed the stairs and returned. 

"Right, get your shoes on and get your breakfast," he instructed. The lesson was obviously over.

I did as he said then got a bowl of porridge from the kitchen and went to the staff dinning room. He was sat in his usual place at one end of the table eating his food which by now must have been stone cold. Not that I was bothered. As soon as I walked in he started having another go at me.

"Just so that you are aware, the next time you turn up late for a meal you won't be getting it. I'm not having this girl he cooking meals for people who think they can just show up when they feel like it," he told me in a stern voice.

Well I was fuming now, I think it was only Ms Oliver's intervention that saved him from getting a bowl of porridge on his head. She told him with great authority in her voice to leave it and then glared at me. She can be a hard faced cow too but she has come to my aid a few times. Not particularly on my side but more as a referee. Anyway the good thing is he shuts up and leaves me alone for a while when she speaks. What I mean by that is, he gives me the silent treatment. This can sometimes be as bad as him talking though as there is this huge tension in the air. It's horrible and can last for weeks.

Random Acts Of Disappointment.

 I woke this morning with an underlying dread coursing through my veins, it seems to be the way I wake up most mornings to be honest. I knew this morning there was going to be some sort of retribution to be faced for me attitude last night when going to bed.

Because of the above mentioned I was surprised when after breakfast I passed the inspection of my person appearance. You'd think that was a good thing but you soon learn that it just means there is something more substantial awaiting you down the line. This day I didn't get much further down that line because during the inspection of my naughty (step)book he took it from me rather than giving it the normal quick glance over, and wrote something down on the page for today before handing it back to me still open on the said page. He didn't speak but I took it that it was intended for me to read the entry he just made.

Under the heading, 'Note A Failure, under achievement or reprimand.'

He'd written, 'I have a problem with regard to disappointment where by I become over excitable, aggressive and insolent.

In the follow up section under, ' 'How Can I Rectify The Above?'

He wrote, 'Ask grand father to subject me to random acts of disappointment until he feels I have rectified all of the above problems that continually inflict me'.

On reading this I was literally seething inside. I waited to be dismissed, staring directly at the wall in front of me.

It was hard to concentrate on anything for the rest of the day. No doubt some would say just to do it and get it over with. but they would be missing the bigger picture, which is psychological domination. I know that he's going to do what he's going to do with or without my permission in his so called quest to improve my character. If I give in it would show I have a weak character therefore I would need more of the same to build it up. If I defy him it means I need more of he same in order to crack me, so find my limit.

This afternoon he has had me cleaning our staircase from top to bottom.

Silent Witness Silenced.

 We've spent the last two nights watching Silent Witness on TV. Then within ten minutes of the end, just as we are about to find out who and why, he mutters something about a load of rubbish, stands up and turns off the TV!

I should have known better than to rise to it but it was just instinct, "What are you doing?" I asked, all frustrated.

He walks up, looks at me and says, "Get to bed!" before walking off to his room with the remote, and that was it. What sort of twat does that?!!

The next time he tells me to make him a drink I've a good mind to boil my piss and make it from that. He won't break my spirit or beat me down, he would love more than anything now to see me go to bed crying and all depressed. Instead, after a visit to the bathroom, as I walked through is room to get to mine I said in a bright and cheery manner, "Good night, have sweet dreams". and then punched the living daylights out of my pillow. He hates that, he calls it 'my attitude'. Don't come that attitude with me, I don't like your attitude, you need to change your attitude, you've got the most annoying attidute, you'll never make anything of yourself with an attitude like yours, so on and so on.

Happy Valentines.

Attitudes.

 Today, as part of my home schooling I had my first lesson from Miss Oliver who has been appointed by someone, most likely herself, to be my improvement guide. Ha ha - because I need bringing up to standard! So no more chasing round after middle aged men – boring!

This particular lesson has been on attitude, apparently everyone has one and it's the one thing in our lives that we all have the ability to change, and mine at the moment is not good it would seem. She reassuringly told me not to worry though as she has had to deal with far worse.

The lesson revolved around a video that I had to watch as many times it took for something to sink in, is what she told me before leaving. I was alone in my room so I was free to do what I wanted as long as I had something to show her by lesson's end.

I did find it quite interesting to be honest. What I have taken from it today is that basically speaking, your own attitude reflects back at you. At least that's what I wrote about and Miss Oliver seemed impressed that I was able to grasp the principle, especially with me being of such a low standard.

So if you are happy and helpful then in theory life on the whole will be the same way back to you. I suppose there will be those that will not fit the rules as there is always one. I think Miss Oliver was assuming I was the one in this case. My homework for the gap between my self improvement lessons, I'm not sure when the next one is, will be to make notes on how my attitude is failing me at the moment. Apparently she is also going to be doing the same, with regard to me, not herself. Then we are going to compare notes.

The Slaggin' Off Book.

 After breakfast this morning I was given various items, mostly to do with my school work but there was also what my grandfather calls a 'Self Improvement Diary'. Which, from what I can understand is basically a slaggin' myself off book. I have to write in this book everyday, even during holidays and weekends.

I have to date the page.

Under that I then have to add the titles, 'What Did I Achieve Today?'. 

Followed by, 'How Can I Improve On This Achievement?'.

Then, 'Note A Failure, under achievement or reprimand.' 

Followed by, 'How Can I Rectify The Above?'

If there is room at the bottom I have to, 'Add A Note For The Future.' Like for instance, 'Did I manage to get the eye rolling under control after being given  instructions that I don't agree with?' I'm then obliged to check through these notes periodically and either tick them off or not. If not, then I have to add them to the failure section for more immediate work.

I have to present this diary straight after breakfast to either grandfather or Ms Oliver.

I was also given a navy blue blazer and two skirts of the same colour. Five white blouses, and five pairs of white knee length socks plus two navy ties and a pair of black shoes. I have to wear these for all academic lessons, but not for my practical tuition. For that I can wear what I think is appropriate for the task at hand. I am to do my academic lessons for half the day, which starts at nine o'clock. the second part of the day will be taken up with more practical lessons. The end of the day being four o'clock These half days will be alternated from day to day.

For others reading this, the eye rolling problem did eventually make it on to the achieved list. This was done by paying attention to the instruction, and not what I feel about it, whilst focusing my eyes on a static object at eye level in front of me until I'm dismissed.

The Flat.

My alarm went off at seven this morning, I had been told the night before to be ready for breakfast by seven forty five, and in the dinning room before eight.

After getting a wash and dressing I was able to see my room a little better than last night as I only have a bedside light in my room. Standing at the entrance looking into the room, The right hand wall has a window which is half let in to the roof as the wall is only around one meter high and then it's just sloping roof to the center of the room. Because of the way the window is built in to the roof there is a small alcove and in this recess there is an old wooden school type desk. That's all there is to this side of my room.

On the far wall is a door, opening this door leads out on to a metal fire escape, Ivan and Cindy's flat also has access to these stairs as does the lower floors. Along the left hand wall is where my bed is along with a bedside cabinet on which sits the lamp.

The fourth wall is not really a wall, it's simply a large piece of heavy fabric hung from the ceiling. It's then fortified by a large wardrobe, chest of draws and a wicker basket. To get in to the room I simply pass around the end of the curtain partition. 

Turn around and pass through the curtain you enter grandfathers room which is laid out much the same as mine except he has light hanging from the ceiling. Before I came his room and mine were as one room as he just lived here by himself. He also has a window the same as I have in my room.

Pass to the other end of grandfathers bedroom and you come to another partition. This one has more substance and is made of wooden boards and has a proper door in it. Through this door is the sitting room. Again is has a window let in to the roof in which there is a small table. In the middle of this room there is a couch facing away from the window as in the far right hand corner there is a cabin ate on which sits a TV. In the left hand corner along the same wall is chest of draws on which there is a kettle and a microwave oven. This back wall is the only wall of bare stone in the flat, floors, ceilings and walls are all lined with seven centimeter boarding, expect of course for the afore mentioned partitions. Against the stone wall there is a wood burning stove and this is the only source of heat in the whole flat. My room is therefore freezing cold.

Once upon a time these three rooms were just one long room until they were converted to be used as they are today. 

Late For Breakfast.

 I woke this morning to find that it was just as cold as it was when I went to bed, not that there was any reason why it wouldn't be but I just thought I would mention it. I lay under the covers for a while working up courage to get out of bed. 

After a trip to the bathroom, which was also freezing, I got dressed and went downstairs as grandfather was nowhere to be seen. I thought I may find someone down there to tell me what fate had in store for me today. Also it would be warmer, or at least it was last night anyway.

The door to the staff dinning room opens to the corridor right opposite to the bottom of the stairs, so as soon as I got to the second landing I could hear people talking and by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I could see everyone sitting around the table. Grandfather was at the far end and Miss Oliver at this end with her back to me. Down the right hand side sat Cindy and Ivan. I went to take up my place on the left hand side opposite Cindy. I'd hardly taken more than three steps in to the room when grandfather said in his usual abrupt, surly manner, "There's no point in you coming in here, breakfast starts at eight sharp."

"How am I supposed to know, I'm not a flippin' mind reader." I replied feeling frustrated and angry.

"Well, if you had not gone slopping off to your bed as you did, you would have been told! Also, if you must use the word, it's flipping with a G on the end."

I could feel my eyes filling up with tears, I was bursting to say what I thought of the grumpy little twat, and I think looking back Miss Oliver could see this because she now stepped in, "Sit down, I'll find you something just for this morning but in future just remember to be here for eight at the latest, if I was you I'd aim to be hear ten minutes sooner in case you get delayed."

I sat down and Cindy got up and returned a few minutes later with some toast and marmalade and asked if I wanted tea or coffee. Grandfather got up and cleared off at this point, thank goodness. I was tempted to ask him about his manners though, just getting up and slopping off like that without being dismissed. How does he know I didn't have something to tell him, I might have wanted to tell him what a dick I think he is.

First Night Nerves.

 After dinner I followed grandfather back to the flat, when upon entering he went straight to the wood burner and put on some wood. I sat myself down at one end of the two seater couch, very nervous and unsure of myself and the situation. On turning round he stopped, looked at me and said that I was sitting in his place. Who would have guessed that! I mean there are only two  places and I chose the wrong one - sigh! So, not wanting to cause hard feeling by encroaching on his environment, I willingly moved to the next cushion along. I looked up expecting to see some sign that I'd done good at rectifying the problem without a fuss, only to be greeted by a continued stare of condemnation. 

"What?" I questioned.

"You're still in my place." He replied sharply.

"You sit over there." He said pointing over towards the table by the window where there were two straight backed wooden dinning chairs. I didn't know what to say, I was literally speechless. If it was anyone else I would have laughed, thinking that were joking with me. But he didn't have a joke in him. Or an once of compassion either it would seem.

I took to one of the back breaking chairs, watching him as he lay there taking up all of the couch, hating him and everything about this place and my situation. I stuck it for an hour before deciding that I was better off in bed.

"I'm off to bed now, good night!" I announced at around nine o'clock.

"Just a minute, aren't you supposed to be asking to be dismissed first?"

By now I was tired and my patience worn so thin you could see right through it.

"Look, it's my bed so I'm going to go and sleep in it, what's to ask about?" I TOLD him.

"Well for one thing it would be polite and secondly someone may want to tell you something before you retire."

Sod off, I thought to myself as I walked out of the door without saying another word.

Of course, the minute you leave the room with the heating in it everywhere else is freezing as there is no other heat source in the place other than the log burner. I quickly got in to bed and buried myself under the covers, which were so cold they actually had a damp feeling about them. Thankfully someone had seen fit to furnish the bed with a thick quilt and plenty of blankets so it did soon warm up.

As with most people, I've heard of people cutting themselves and even taking their own lives and as with no doubt many others I could never figure out why you would want to do such a thing. That night as I lay in bed the answer to that question became frighteningly clear. It's when anywhere is better than where you are in that moment, and the only apparent opportunity to escape is the above mentioned.

So this is now my life, thanks loads mum! I friggin' well hate you too! BITCH!!

The Journey - The Arrival.

 22nd January 2024

Grandfather jumped out, went around the back and got my bag out and then came around to my side and stood there looking at me. Okay, I admit that I'd made no attempt to get out, but for some reason over the last couple of hours or so, I'd developed a complex of sorts with regard to opening doors. By the look on his face I came to the conclusion that this time I was being allowed to open the door by myself. 

Once I was out I was greeted with, "What were you waiting for?"

He has this annoying habit of winding me up every time he speaks, but I tried to stay calm and polite.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise you wanted me to get out," I replied.

Once out I stood there holding on to the door, I was having a bit of trouble making my legs work on account of them being like lumps of frozen meat. 

"Now what's the matter?" he asked.

"It's okay, my legs are a bit stiff from the cold."

"Well I'm not surprised dressed like that, did you think you were coming to live in the Caribbean?" He retorted. 

"Just show me the way please." I said, shutting the door of the Land Rover.

Inside the back door was a long dark corridor at the end of which was a bright light and the sound of a radio playing. From floor to ceiling the corridor was lined with what looked to be white tiles. In actual fact they weren't tiles but glazed bricks. After five meters there was a small alcove type place on the right. Within the alcove were two doors at right angles to each other. The first led to the coal house and the second gave access to a toilet and wash basin. Just after this on the left the corridor opened out in to a room that was also made from white glazed bricks. This room had a roof made of glass. Off this room were two doors. This area I was to discover with time was the laundry. The rest of the corridor had doors to the left and right at roughly ten meter intervals, these were pantries and food storage rooms. At the end of the corridor there was a staircase on the right and just beyond this the corridor turned sharp right and continued along the side of the staircase before disappearing in to darkness. In front was the door from which the light and the music was coming from, this was the kitchen. On the left before entering the kitchen was the door to the staff dinning room where all the staff, except for two came to eat. I'm not staff but I still get to eat there too.

Grandfather led me in to the kitchen, it was like any other kitchen except the units were obviously very old, made from wood. Behind the door was a table at which sat a wiry looking man. He stared at me intently, and in a serious manner but said nothing. He was introduced to me as Ivan. Also in the kitchen was Cindy. She was of an average size with short blonde hair and a friendly smile. Cindy and Ivan are married to each other.

"Oh my goodness look at you," Cindy said on laying eyes on me.

I was a bit surprise by her comment. I wasn't sure what it was about me that caused such a concern. She then went on to have a go at grandfather for neglecting me. Well that pleased me no end. "What did you expect, she's a townie," Grandfather replied.

I wasn't quite sure what he meant by this but I knew better than to bother getting enlightened.

Cindy then took me out of the kitchen and into the dinning room where she told me to get out of my wet clothes and then left closing the door behind her as she went. She was back in a couple of minutes with a nice warm dressing gown which she told me to put on. She instructed me to pick up my clothes and put them in the laundry basket when I get to our apartment.

After some chit chat Grandfather took me up the stairs that are by the kitchen door. The stairs climbed to a small halfway landing before doubling back on itself to another landing. On this landing there were three doors, one in each of the three sides.

"On NO account pass through that door for any reason," Grandfather said pointing to the door on the left as we started to climb to the next half landing. 

On the next upper landing there were four doors, three set out the same as the lower landing but there was also another door at the top of three steps. It was through this door that we passed. 

In this room were boxes and just general stuff like you might have in a garage in any home. It was for the use of grandfather and also Cindy and Ivan. In the left hand wall of this storage area were two doors, the first being to Cindy and Ivan's apartment and the other door was to our apartment. In the far wall was another two further doors, these were our bathrooms, the one on the left ours, the other for Cindy and Ivan. In the wall to my right as we crossed to our apartment was a window. The whole place plus our apartments were lined out with wooden boards. These are the attic rooms and so are right at the top of the house. 

The Journey - Final Part

 22nd January 2024

We continued on our way crawling along, bouncing from one pothole to the next when we hit something with a right bang, I'm sure I must have left my seat. I looked across at grandfather but he didn't even acknowledge anything, just stared into the darkness hunched over the steering wheel.

I settled back in to my scrunched up position trying to preserve the remaining little bit of heat I had left within me. I was soon back to being hypnotised by the windscreen wiper in front of me. Painfully creeping to the vertical, hanging around for a few seconds before crashing back down to the start and repeating it all over again, again and again never deviating from the routine it had made for itself. Until, this one time, the last time actually. I did the usual climb to vertical, had the usual rest and crash to the beginning. This time though it didn't stop. Much to my amazement it leapt on to the bonnet of the Land Rover and slithered off over the side into the blackness, not doubt shouting for joy that it had escaped the constant struggle. I looked across at grandfather who was looking back at me before he asked, "What was that?"

I replied, "The windscreen wiped," and nodded towards my windscreen.

I felt quite buoyed that I actually knew more than he for once. It was short lived though because next think I'm heading for the windscreen myself as the darn brakes were applied - AGAIN! What's the matter with them, they're either on or off. I wished everything else on the vehicle worked as good as the brakes.

Grandfather instructed in no uncertain terms, "STAY THERE!"

Before abandoning ship and heading out in to the teeth of the gale. I'm not sure why he thought I would want to go out there anyway. I wasn't even sure why he would want to go out there considering how the wiped wasn't actually doing anything useful anyway.

He returned after a short while with the wiper and threw it on to the pile of detritus piled up on the middle seat. It seemed to me that as bits fell off they were rounded up to be deposited on the seat in the middle. I reckon given time the whole Land Rover will end up piled up on the middle seat.

Before setting off he flicked a switch on the console and the lights came on. If like me you have been wondering why he didn't switch them on until now let me tell you, they didn't work very well. This seems to be a reoccurring theme to this journey. Apart from a faint yellowish glow just in front of the bonnet you wouldn't even know they were even on. In fact I'm sure the lights that lit up the dials on the dash were brighter than the head lights.

We now finally started what turned out to be the last part of the journey down Glen Grim. As with the braking system the accelerator was on top form and propelled us from zero to sixty in one second up to a speed not exceeding three miles per hour. It's no wonder I was getting a headache, it was all the Gs I'd been subjected too in the past couple of hours.

Suddenly, everything appeared suddenly in those head lights, we came upon a high stone wall in which there was an archway. We didn't pass through the archway but turned left and followed the wall for a short way until reaching another entrance, this one not so grand. Here we turned right and went up a drive before pulling up in a small yard in front of some doors of a building. One of the doors, the one to the left of me, turned out to be the back door to the property which I was now to call home.

The Journey - Hypnotic.

 22nd January 2024.

I headed off across the road, propelled by the wind and battered by the rain, towards the old land Rover parked up in the road junction. I couldn't see who was in the vehicle as all the windows were steamed up so I tapped on the side window, half of which quickly slide forward and then slid back again equally as quickly but I had enough time to see that it was my grandfather seated behind the wheel so as promised I gave the bus driver a wave and a thumbs up. I watched as he set off down the road meanwhile grandfather climbed from the cab of the Land Rover. He didn't speak but grabbed at my backpack which he then took around the back and threw in without a thought for anything that might have been breakable stored within it. I continued past him and just as I reached for the door handle I was pulled back by the hood of my jacket. This really annoyed me and was about to give him a mouthful when he reached past me and opened the door for me. I immediately calmed down thinking he was being a gentleman and just wanted to open the door for me - I'm such an idiot sometimes. I settled myself into the seat and watched him get in beside me. I was expecting some kind of greeting at this point but all I got was a lecture. He said that I needed to pay attention to what I was doing if I intended staying in these parts. If this wind had got behind that door you could have had your face caved in, or worse still the door could have been ripped from its hinges. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. For one thing I wasn't choosing to go and stay in those parts and secondly how was having the door blown from its hinges worse than me getting my face caved in, and thirdly, what made him think that I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. I didn't get to ask him any of these things because he had now moved on to vigorously rattling the gear lever from side to side. He then turned on the key situated on the dash board before reaching down and pushing a button on the forward bulkhead. The result for all that work was a pathetic sounding click, click, click! My instinct was to burst out laughing as there was something about it that amused me. Thankfully I managed to contain my humour as I'm sure it wouldn't gone down very well with grandfather. I can't imagine he ever laughed at a joke let alone told one or seen the funny side of anything. Grandfather is a short, fat barrel shaped man with a bald head, moustache and spectacles. He has a pompous and argumentative attitude about him that I find loathsome most of the time. I'm not saying this in any sort of disrespectful way or anything, it's just the way I would honestly describe him so as to give an idea of the sort of person I'm talking about.

Having failed to start the vehicle once he then went through all the same actions again which I thought was strange considering he'd already confirmed the thing was out of gear and turned on. Anyway the result was just the same as the first attempt. He then went through the first two motions again but this time instead of pushing the starter button he let off the hand brake. The result at first seemed little different to the clicking business and the Land Rover just sat there for a second or two. I don't know if it was the wind or something but after a few seconds it did start to slowly creep forward and eventually reached quite a speed as we headed down the side road. Suddenly grandfather pulled back on the gear lever, which let out a truly awful crunching sound, it didn't sound good at all. Next thing I know I'm heading for the windscreen until suddenly the engine burst into life and I was flung back in my seat once again. This was short lived however because no sooner had we got going and we were stopping again in the same violent manner. Grandfather had another fit of gear rattling before yanking on the hand brake and leaping from the vehicle leaving me sitting there wondering what was happening. I turned round in my seat to see if I could see what he was doing and saw a gate being closed across the lane. As I waited I looked up to my left and could see there was a house, I couldn't help but wonder who lived in a place like that. Grandfather was back now and we set off down the hillside into the valley grim. The road had now become a deeply rutted track, steep and running with water. The rain was driving into the windscreen so grandfather reached forward and turned his windscreen wiper before reaching across and turning on mine. For some reason they operated independently of each other. When I say operated I don't mean they actually worked at clearing the screen. The best that I can say about them is that the one on grandfathers side smeared water across the whole of his windscreen whereas the one on my side just spread it across half the screen. It started at the bottom right corner and slowly crept it's way to a vertical position before stopping there for several seconds and then literally dropping down back to the starting position before repeating the process time and time again. I couldn't take my eyes off it, mainly because there was little else I could see with any clarity, it became hypnotic for sure.

I was going to say that we drove down to the floor of the valley but in reality it felt more like jumping than driving. It seemed like we were bouncing from one rock to the next. I even got the courage up to recommend to grandfather that the drive needs some work doing on it. I should have known better as his reply was predictable in that he said it was fine the way it was. I wasn't going to let it slide this time because I knew I was right and I told him so. He said that it's best that way because if it was a good road everybody would be down here with campervans and goodness knows what. Well I couldn't argue with that because no one in their right mind would venture down there as it was.

On reaching the floor of the valley grim, or glen, as they're called in these parts we came to a fast flowing river so we had to make a sharp right turn to follow the track along the valley floor. When on top of the hill the bottom of the valley looked flat but up at close quarters it was anything but flat. It's quite undulating. Sometimes the very rough track was close alongside the river and other times it moved quite away from it. Once we turn to follow the valley my side of the Land Rover took the full force of the storm. It seemed at times that the rain was being blown with such strength as to force it though the window but on inspection it seems the seal on the top of the door wasn't working properly and so the water was finding its way through. So every so often I would end up getting a shower down my left side.

It was at this point that I felt the cold setting in. My jeans had got soaked walking from the bus to the Land Rover. Also the hood proved to be useless in the wind so my hair was also wet. I asked grandfather if there was any chance of some heat. He shouted above the noise that it was on, pointing at a round biscuit tin sized object near to my right leg. Well if it was on I couldn't feel the effects of it. I can't really recall speaking after this, there seemed little point and besides which I was having to clench my teeth to stop them from chattering. I looked across at him from time to time. It looked like he was having trouble seeing because he was bent forward with the steering wheel pressed against his chest. I wasn't surprised what with the wiper doing such a great job and the fact that it was just about dark. It was hard to see what difference sitting in that position would make though...

The Journey - Beyond The Outer Edge

 22nd January 2024

The weather had quickly gone down hill over the past hour or so and as we climbed up the hill out of Ullapool the heavy rain was being driven sideways across the landscape in sheets. I couldn't help but wonder how the people on the ferry would cope, I was to far away to see what the waves were like but the picture as a whole looked very grim to say the least. The road ran up hill, down hill, this way and that which meant the bus was only able to make slow progress, especially the way the weather was. The windscreen wipers struggled to clear the water sometimes, the road was at times flooded with standing water and any exposed rock shone like dull silver from being soaked in water. The landscape now looked completely desolate studded everywhere with bodies of water from the size of a car up to fully blown lakes, or lochs as they are called here. Going off road in this place must be a nightmare. The mountains are solitary rather than ranges connected by ridges. They just seemed to pop up here or there each one it's own master.

I got in a bit of a panic at one point as we passed a road junction where the sign pointed to Durness which is where I thought we were headed. Anyway I'd nothing to worry about as the bus first had to make a detour to a place called Lochinver before returning to the Durness road.

At Lockinver we parked up and waited a short while for some people to get off and a few to get on. With the low dark clouds and the time of day we were pretty much into the twilight zone. At a small village called Scourie the walkers that got on at Ullapool got off and headed up the drive of a hotel by the side of the local shop. It wasn't long after this that we made another detour to a place called Kinlochbervie. It was here that the driver informed me that my stop would shortly arrive after we rejoined the Durness road. It was along the road to Kinlochbervie that I noticed a small village store going by the name of "London Stores". I wondered what the story was behind the name.

Within a few meters of rejoining the Durness road it went from two lanes to just a narrow single track road which climbed up and onto a plateau like area and more desolation. The weather did seem to brighten a little at this point but it only proved to be temporary. Soon the bus began to slow to a stop and the driver told me this was where I needed to get off. At the opposite side of the road was a junction and a lay by and there parked up was a beat up looking jeep. As I looked past the driver he asked if that would be my ride but I didn't know for sure, I hoped so. But the thing that held me spellbound was the view beyond the old Land Rover. There was this huge broad dark valley that seemingly went on forever into the dark grey distance. It was topped by heavy almost black clouds that hung so low  that they took off the tops of the jagged mountains. We were high up overlooking what seemed to be the outer edge of an uninviting rain sodden alien world - it shocked me! I don't recall ever seeing anything so grim and daunting. My mother couldn't have done better than this if she had planned it. It felt like I had been sent to hell. I know now that any other time it's an amazing view but this day it was both scary and shocking and had me rooted to the spot by the side of the driver who brought me back to earth by asking if I was okay. With a sigh I told him that I'd have to be, what choice did I have. He kindly said that he would stay until I confirmed with a wave that the jeep opposite was indeed my ride and with that the door opened and let in a blast of cold wet air. I pulled on the hood of my jacket and stepped off the bus where upon I was immediately pushed back against its side by a massive gust of wind. Had the bus not been there I'm sure I would have been blown right off my feet and beyond the out edge into the valley below... To be continued.

The Journey - Bridges To Cross.

 I was woken this morning just before six by Mrs Scott who informed me that breakfast was in half a hour. I didn't want breakfast. After waking and remembering where I was and what lay before me the nervous sick feeling had returned. However they had other ideas and so I relented and managed a bowl of Cornflakes and a cup of tea. Archie kindly made up a bacon sandwich and a sausage sandwich from the rest of the breakfast that I couldn't stomach. He put them in a bag and gave them to me to take with me for later.

Mrs Scott took me to the bus station and got me on to the right bus for Ullapool ferry terminal. At breakfast there had been some talk of a storm that was due to arrive in the area later that day that threatened both road and rail travel so Mr Scott made enquiries to make sure that the coach I was to travel on was still leaving as it would have been better for me to stay there than get stranded somewhere. I'm not sure how I would have informed my grandfather had that been the case. Everything was okay though so I didn't have to cross that bridge.

We did have another bridge to cross though, this one took us high above the water on the way north out of Inverness. Looking down was a bit unnerving, the water looked grey and cold with streaks of white running across it. The morning was bright but had a cold biting wind to it. At first the road took us through undulating farm land which after a while became more hilly and forested. We did stop once to pick up some more people who judging by their luggage were on the trip to the islands whereas I was just on the coach to Ullapool where I was to leave it for a more local bus service. After some time we seemed to climb up into more rugged and desolate countryside. For some of the way now there was a body of water to the right which I think was a reservoir rather than a loch, although I could be mistaken about that, it seemed very big though. As we neared Ullapool the day had changed, the brightness had gone and there was even a bit of drizzle landing on the windscreen of the coach which the driver had to keep clearing. The countryside close to Ullapool was back to being more forested and now there was water to the left of the road and this was for sure a sea loch. We drove along the front by the harbour and into a big parking area that said it was for ferry vehicles, I guessed this was the end of my journey on this coach so I gathered up my bag and coat and let people get off as I wanted to ask the driver where to pick up my next bus. I didn't know if he would know this but I thought even if he didn't he could perhaps tell me where to go to find out. Anyway as it happens he did know and pointed me around the corner to a café where I could wait until it arrived.

I went in and bought a hot chocolate. I didn't really feel like having anything but I didn't want to hang around outside as it was cold and miserable. I asked the boy who served me about the bus stopping just to confirm things in my mind. I then just sat at a table watching and thinking of all manner of things that could go wrong and what I would do if they did. Nothing went wrong, the bus pulled up opposite as planned so I went out to check it was the right one. The driver was just getting off as I approached so I showed him the paper I had that said I'd already paid and he said that it was okay but that I couldn't get on the bus yet as he needed a break for half an hour. This was okay as I needed the toilet but I didn't dare go before as I was worried the bus would come and go while I was in the toilet. I walked with the driver back to the café and he was asking where I was from and what was I doing all the way up here but he then interrupted my reply by asking what I wanted to drink. I was unsure if he thought that is what I followed him in for so I pointed out that I was going to the toilet.

'Okay, so what would you like'? he asked again.

So I just had another hot chocolate which was waiting for me along with the driver at a table when I returned. It was good that I got to know him because I was able to show him where I was being picked up by my grandfather. He knew the place and would let me know before we got there. He also told me some things about the area and reckoned I was in for a real culture shock coming from Coventry as I did. The half hour passed in a flash so we made our way back to the bus. The weather had really turned bad now with heavy rain and blustery wind. There were four men with backpacks waiting for the bus also  and came running over from the shelter by the cafe. I think they were walkers by the looks of it as their packs were much bigger than mine. The driver suggested we sit near the front as he picks up school children who tend to gravitate towards the rear of the bus. So with that said I bagged one of the front seats and settled in for the rest of my journey – well, the last part before meeting up with my grandfather.

The Journey - Exiled

 Saturday 21th January 2024

This moment had been building for weeks and now that it had arrived it felt as though I was consumed by just about every emotion there was. As I waved goodbye to dad standing on the platform as my train pulled out of the station I couldn't help but wonder when, or even if I would ever see him again. I hope to one day when maybe memories have faded but there was no definite date set for my return so who knows. I fought back the tears of both sadness and disappointment the best I could. Then there is the gut wrenching uncertainty, not only of the journey but of the future. Little is known of either except that which dad has written on the list for me. Whatever happens will have to be faced alone and sorted out by myself though. Worst of all though is the feeling of love and absolute hate for my mother. I made one mistake and now I am being banished for it by her. I've come clean and owned it from the start and made it clear that it won't be happening again, I even begged her forgiveness several times but she hasn't moved an inch. So for that I hate her with all my heart. It seems I am not worthy of a second chance in her eyes. Dad would forgive me but he is to cowardly where she is concerned to stand up for me.

I folded the list that dad had given me and made sure to I put it back into my coat pocket, it was a lifeline of instructions. I'd nothing to do until we got to Edinburgh station where upon I had to find train to Inverness.

At York a middle aged lady took up the seat next to me and we got to talking which made things better. Apparently she had been down south visiting her family who lived somewhere in Yorkshire, I'd never heard of the place. She herself lives in Edinburgh. This came in useful when the train arrived there because she was able to show me where I needed to be. Also she very kindly stayed with me until it was time for me to get on the train which really touched my heart. We went and got a drink and a cake while we waited. I want to go and visit her one day if I ever manage to get away from here.

The next leg of my journey was to Inverness where I had to leave the train, it didn't say if that was the end of the line or not. When I disembarked I needed to keep a look out for a Mr or Mrs Scott who were picking me up and taking me to stay the night at their guesthouse. All the way to Inverness I worried that they would forget me or that I would miss them or some other disaster would occur but in actual fact Mr Scott was right there on the platform waiting for me. He did have my name written on a piece of paper but it was only needed as a confirmation because I spotted him before I even got off the train, everyone was moving off whereas he was just standing there looking around as if looking for someone – which he was of course. Mr Scott, also know as Archie, was maybe around forty years old, very cheerful, of slight build with a short amount of facial hair. After introducing himself he took me to his van in the car park from where we drove to his house which didn't take long. The streets were dark so I couldn't really see much of Inverness. Also he never stopped chatting so I was mostly busy talking to him.

At the guesthouse I met his wife who is called Haldis, which to me is an unusual name but she too was a lovely person. I was made to feel really welcome. They had made some dinner for me which I had after being shown to my room and taking a shower. It was only a small room with a single bed but it was nice enough, I was just glad to be there and be safe and sound with no worried for a few hours.I did sleep well in spite of feeling very strange and unsettled.

The Preface.

 The Preface

I'm starting this with a preface like in a book, although for sure I'm not planning on writing a book or anything. Because I have a desire, rightly or wrongly, to share my experience in a public way I think there are things, like for instance, how I came to be busted by the man, or woman, in this case that need to be told before the story begins. 

Some might see it as a grubby little affair with a long time friend of the family but really it wasn't anything so grand. In reality it was just a bit of fun, or at least to us it was. To my parents though, in particular my mother, it was the end of the world, and I can understand why that is, I've never once tried to shy away from my responsibility in the matter. I've apoligised time and time again but there is no forgiveness or understanding to be had. It seems I'm not allowed to make mistakes. Dad would have forgiven me but mum would never have forgiven him if he had, so I don't blame him and he did do what he could to make things easier for me. In the end they decided that I should be sent to live with my grandfather. He spent a quarter or more of his life in the army before becoming a secondary school history and French teacher. He has now retired and taken to a remote estate in the Scottish Highlands. As an employee and not the owner I might add. I think because of his past experiences they see him as my saviour, someone to drag me back to the straight and narrow. Failing that, the place I am destined for is so remote and devoid of people that they probably think it impossible for me to find someone to lead me astray anyway.

The other thing I just want to quickly mention is that because all this started over a year ago and I'm now only just getting round to thinking about documenting the experience, some of the entries will be backdated and as I'm not the best at remembering dates some of them might not be exact.