Well And Truly Told Off!

 Between breakfast and setting off for church this morning I gave Charlotte a call to make sure she is alright. I thought a call would be better than a text so she could be sure she is talking to who she thinks she is if you know what I mean. She appreciated the call even though I couldn't stay long.

Church was good. I thought up this new thing last night in bed, which I put in to practice during the long winded sermon. You would think  the vicar would have realised by now that I'm only there for the attention and biscuits, and would get a move on!! Anyway, I was thinking that during the sermon it will be nice for me and mum to hold hands. It's all part of being a mummy's girl again.

Unfortunately being a mummy's girl didn't last very long, as soon after that I became a young madam! I guess it's in keeping with the theme of going back to the beginning again anyway.

We called in at the stables on the way home, and as I didn't want to get horse smell on my second best clothes I waited for mum in the car.

"Haven't you got something you want to say to me?" Mum asked as she climbed back in the car and closed the door behind her.

I've got more sense than to try and be coy or act stupid with mum. I'm not much good at acting either, besides I know mum well enough by now to sense a fast approaching, 'Young Madam' moment! I obviously knew to what she was referring. I'm assuming Lyn had said something about yesterday. I also know her well enough to know what her reply was to my answer before I even gave it.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just didn't want to bother you with it. It was all pretty nasty and thought it would upset you." I replied.

It was only then that I realised that even if Lyn had said something to mum, she didn't actually know what it was about as Lyn didn't know either. Oh well, at least I suppose it stopped me digging myself in to a deeper hole, and besides, it's always best to tell the truth once you're found out. So I explained.

"Katlyn," she exclaimed.

That's one step away from a 'Young Madam', in mum speak, in case you didn't know.

"Katlyn, how many times have me and your dad told you? You're not on your own anymore. It's our job to be bothered about that sort of thing. It's for us to sort out, not you. You're a young girl, and you need to be enjoying your life and nothing else." She said.

Then went on to say, "You worry about all the world and his wife down this flippin' lane. You spend all your spare time, and some, with your head buried in those driving books just so you can spend all your time driving round in circles on that bloomin' tractor of yours. the only time you seem to settle is cuddled up to your dad - and then you fall asleep. You need to calm yourself down a bit young madam!"

Now I can consider myself well and truly told off! I did want to point out that I was enjoying myself when going round in circles on the tractor but I just wanted her to get going because the last thing I needed now was for Rob to show up and let on that he already knew about it. Although he is under strict instructions not to say anything. But mum seemingly has a special ability in being able to bypass such instructions, even the ones I make myself promise.

I'm not mad with mum or anything, she just wants to be a mum and that's what I want her to be. We all need some fun in our lives.

Anyway, that was that. She did tell dad when we got back but he just laughed, put his arm around me and said, "That's my girl, I don't know, what're you like?" Mum looked at him sideways but didn't say anything.

A Sneaky Little Git!

 On a Saturday I eat my breakfast by myself as I have to get off to the stables. So this day I have porridge with some berries and honey and eat it while mum is there preparing breakfast for her and dad, and also Eric if he is at work. I tried to be normal today even though I had things on my mind. I don't know if mum picked up on something or more likely she was thinking of all the things I have going on at the moment. But as I was leaving she handed me the bag with my lunch in it and we hugged as we always do when parting. 

However this time she hung on to me a while and said, "You're only seventeen, don't go taking on the whole world just yet Katie. I want you to be my little girl a while longer, we still have a lot of catching up to do." 

I contemplated what she had said on my walk down the lane. It's something that's been bothering me for a while now, because the more things I take on the further it seems to take me away from mum and dad. I guess it's the same reason that I came home with dad on the tractor last night. I don't want to lose the times that I had when first coming here. I don't want everything to just become normal and matter of fact. I must do as mum says and try to pull back a bit this next week. Try to be simply mummy and daddies little girl again.

Now though I had to think about what was probably about to happen as I had reached the gates to the farm where we have the stables. I was in good time so I decided to wait awhile even though I wasn't sure if Charlotte was even coming this week. Normally I would say that it was better if she didn't come as it always means trouble for me somehow. But this week I needed to get things sorted for my own peace of mind. I know nothing would get sorted until we spoke properly.

I didn't have to wait long before I saw her car coming down the lane. Her dad was driving this week, I said hello to them both before walking off down the drive with Charlotte. It didn't feel quite like normal but that could just be me. I asked if we could speak sometime before she went home tonight, she didn't ask why, so I took that to mean that she didn't need to ask so I was sort of pleased about that as it meant she had an idea why and so wasn't trying to pretend about it being anything other.

I didn't get to see her again to talk until lunch time. She was in the stable before me today as I was with Lyn taking a lesson. At first I thought Lyn was going to join us for lunch, but thankfully she went off talking to someone about lessons.

At this point I have written, and was going to publish a more detailed account of our conversation. But on reflection I have decided not to publish it at the moment as I don't feel right about doing so, it all feels a bit raw and personal at the moment. I know you don't know Charlotte and she will never read this but what's happened to her is not very nice and so I'm sure she wouldn't like me broadcasting all the finer details. So it's just a respect thing really. I am going to save what I have written though, with a view to publishing it separately at a later date when I know better what the outcome is and if it feels better to do so.

However don't worry, I'm not so cruel as to leave you in the dark. If you can remember from a while back, I told you how Charlotte's parents had confiscated all of her photographic equipment, which included her phone because of it's camera. Although having seen how basic her phone is, I shouldn't imagine the camera on it was something that would meet photographic society standards should she have decided to disobey her parents ban on such activities. Anyway, the thing is, that while it was supposedly in their safe keeping, Charlotte's younger brother got his hands on it and managed to hack the pin number to unlock it. From what she said, he didn't do anything to technical, it was just a case of a weak pin number and teaching a monkey to use a typewriter. Since then it would seem he has been using any opportunity he could get his hands on it to send messages, not only to me but also to other friends of Charlotte's that he took a particular fancy too. He finally ran out of talent when one of the girls agreed to meet him, which meant he had to come clean with her in the hope she would overlook the fact that it wasn't really Charlotte. It doesn't sound like she was too impressed and reported him to his parents so now he's the one in big trouble.

I so knew it wasn't Charlotte and I'm so glad I gave her this chance, The trouble is she tells me that he will be made to apologise to me as he has with any of the others that he has upset. I said not to bother as I don't want him coming to the farm and upsetting mum and dad. It's best forgotten as far as I'm concerned as it seems as though his parents have taken him to task over it. I know just the place for him, but that would just make me the same as my birth mother wouldn't it.

A Ride Down Memory Lane.

 I've been finishing off the rolling at Uncle ken's today. It's been a good day. The job went well, the weather was nice again, and I was on my tractor. Perfect!

Mum brought dad up to take the tractor and roller back at around five, and we all stayed for a BBQ in Uncle Ken's garden. I decided to ride back on the tractor with dad. I just fancied riding with him as I had recently been thinking about that first time I went on the tractor with him, and how he let me drive it. It was such a thrill for me, the whole day was a thrill. Especially after the mess I made of holding the gate open for Eric! So I just wanted to sort of revisit the time. There was a nice moment when we got on to our lane. He commented on how nice I had my tractor and not to be put off by Eric as he was only joking with me. I assured him that I wasn't and he then said how proud he is of me, then took my hand and held it all the way back home. We didn't say anything else, there was no need.

Rolling is not a demanding job so there is plenty of time to think about things. I know I'm probably being stupid now but I got to thinking about Charlotte and I remembered when she first came to the stables and how pleased I was that she befriended me rather than going off with the other girls, I was so thrilled. So it pains me that I have just turned my back on her. Reading her last message it's clear to see that she still sees me as a friend, and doesn't even seem to realise that she has done anything wrong. 

So, I've decided that if she does come to the stables tomorrow I'm at least going to explain to her face that whilst I don't want all that sex stuff I do still enjoy having her as a friend. I can't say what I'm going to do after that as I can't second guess what her reaction will be. I'm hoping she will accept that. If maybe she has some kind of a problem, which I feel sure she must have because I feel absolutely sure that sort of thing is not her real character - it just can't be. But if she does own up to having a problem then I will offer to help her with it, like proper friends we will sort it out together.

If I just cut her off because of the sex talk then I am little better than my birth mother. I needed a friend after I was caught with Dave but nobody stepped up for me, and I still remember how that felt. She needs a friend right now, not someone who dumps her because they got offended by something they saw.

Boudoir Or Library?

 Today I have been up to Uncles Ken's doing some rolling for him. Dad got Eric to take my tractor with the rollers over there after he finished his breakfast, and after helping mum clear away me and dad went over there as well and dad brought him back after dropping me off. I will be glad when I have passed my driving test then I can just go over there without having to bother anyone. Not that they were bothered about all the running about as they were pleased that I was going to be doing the job so they didn't have too.

Me and dad got there first and was talking to Uncle Ken when Eric arrived. After packing up he got off my tractor and told everyone to go over and take a look in the cab. I knew what he was going  on about before he even said anything. 

"It needs a shovel full of cow muck in here if you've got some handy Ken! I can't decide if it's a boudoir or a library!" he said.

He was referring to the fact that everything was nice and clean, and I had some scented air fresheners hanging up. Also, because rolling is not very intensive with regard to concentration I have been doing lots of revising for my driving test, so I have all my driving test books in the cab. Uncle Ken and Eric were pulling my leg, which I don't mind as it's all in good humour. Dad patted me on the back and said, " take no notice love, you're doing a great job."

I worked until almost six o'clock and then had some dinner with Uncle Ken before he brought me back home. As soon as I got changed and what have you I went down and snuggled up with dad as usual and fell straight to sleep!!

That's That Then.

 I've finally had to sort Charlotte out, or at least I think I have, it will be interesting to see how Saturday goes though.

After the little exchange of messages on Sunday evening basically asking how each other was, I didn't hear from her again until Monday evening. Then I got another message along similar lines to the very, lets say suggestive one from last week. Although it was written a lot better. It started off with how hot I looked on Saturday when she saw me, before going on to inviting me over to her place, and it definitely wasn't for dinner either, that's all I'm going to inflict upon you about that. I just ignored the message.

Then yesterday evening I just kept on getting one message after another, each one was simply a '?'.

In the end I just had to message back and say that I was too busy sorting out my future at the moment to get involved in a relationship with her or anyone else. So please stop sending me messages.

Her reply was nice enough, too nice really as now I feel bad, 'Ok, that makes me sad because I really like you, I though you wanted a friend'.

I do feel really bad, like I should say more, or maybe help her somehow as to my mind she has some sort of a problem. But I fear that may just end up giving her some kind of false hope for the future. It's best just ended I suppose.

Today I am going rolling again in all the fields that dad has sown with Spring Barley. Dad and Eric think that it's a boring job but I like it so that makes everyone here happy. Perhaps not so much mum as she misses out on our afternoon tea together.