New Relations

 Today has been quite interesting as I got to meet some of my relations on mums side of the family. We are now in the Scarborough area, which is where mum lived from being born and moving to Middleham  just after leaving school. Apparently there used to be a horse racing course here and it was while doing some Saturday work there that she got to know the people who she later went to work for at Middleham.

This morning we went round the area and she took great delight in showing me where she went to school, where she grew up and a few places that played a part in her early years. I tried to imagine myself growing up and doing what she did. It was hardly possible though as I had such a different up bringing and in a vastly different place.

After lunch we then went over to meet mum's cousin Jack, his wife Eva and their two sons, Stuart, 21 and Stephen, 23. They also had two daughters who are called Susan and Shirley! The fact that all the children's name begin with the letter S I find strange but things didn't get any better as the day progressed. I didn't see either Shirley or Susan as they are married and live away. Most likely to escape.

The place they lived was a farmhouse with a yard, plus a small paddock, but they aren't farmers. Jack and Eva are retired. Jack recently took early retirement so as to oversee all the planned alterations to the farm. Which incidentally belongs to Stuart, who is some kind of computer geek and does work as a software engineer, which for some reason Jack didn't allow him to elaborate on when asked. I got the feeling that they would have to kill me if they told me, it was such a big secret. From what I could gather Stephen didn't do anything. The whole situation, and the family, came across as very strange. The Adam's family strange to be honest.

Even though it seems Jack didn't come with anything in particular, he sold thier three bedroom bungalow in a place called Redcar to provide Stuart with a deposit for the farm. Stuart was the one working and paying for the place, but it was obvious that Jack was the one giving the orders and having all the idea's, all of which seemed to me to be way above his station. The whole situation seemed to have gone completely to his head. Afterwards mum said that he always has been one for having big idea's.

One of his big idea's was to turn one of the farm sheds in to a gym. Which is fine until you look at who as going to be using it. Also there looked to be enough work around the yard that if it were done there would be no need of a gym for exercise. The plans for one of the cow sheds is for Shirley to go and live in it. One would assume after it was converted but having seen Stephens room I have to wonder about that.

All the way around the tour of the farmyard and buildings Stuart simply followed behind not saying one word, which I felt was very creepy. Especially as he seemed to be watching me all the time. I'm not being pretentious when I say this, but I'm sure he fancied me. I can tell by just how he kept watching me. He isn't my type though. Short and skinny with computer geek skin. Not that looks are everything. But he wasn't interesting either. All he could talk about was computers and software. At one point asking if I wanted to go to his room to view his equipment, apparently he has a bigger than average hard drive! I felt it best to decline though as I was getting strong vibes that he was a bit of a trojan horse who's only intention was to do some penetration testing on his spread sheets!

Stephen was of more interest to me. Not in a fancying sort of way or anything, more in a persecuted lost soul sort of way. I felt that he was the sort of person who needed my help and wisdom! I saw some of my previous lives in him. He is actually a couple of years older than Stuart who is twenty one. He seems very undeveloped for his age though, which is not surprising from what I saw of his dad who only had eyes for Stuart. This was made abundantly clear the whole time we were there. To listen to Jack, Stuart was the next Bill gates. I'm assuming the Jack and Eva had one of the bedrooms and I know that Stuart has two, one for sleeping in and the other for when he wants to play with his floppy disk or whatever. Which I guess is up to him as it's his house. Except Stephen had to make do with what was basically the front hallway. It was where you came in through the front door from outside. His bed was under the stairs, all his things were everywhere and every time anyone used the front door or the stairs they had to pass through what was Stephens bedroom. Goodness knows how he ever took care of boy business! It's no wonder he had a continual look of frustration about him.

There is more to this story but I will leave it there as it's... well I will just say that this is the more presentable part, the part before disgracing myself I guess you could say.

Mum Is Not Amused.

 Just recently someone mentioned to me in a conversation, about Dire Straits, and in particular, the song Sultans Of Swing. I know me and dad have listened to Dire Straits on one of our music nights but I couldn't recall sultans Of Swing. So earlier I said to dad, "The next time we have a music night, would you mind playing Dire Straits again as I would like to listen to Sultans of Swing?"

Dad raised his eyebrows and a big grin came over his face. Then looking past me, over my left shoulder he said, "What's matter?"

I looked round to catch mum looking at us and pulling her, 'for goodness sake' type face.

On seeing me looking, "You've got the girl as bad yourself!" she stated, before adding, "Why can't you teach her some nice classical music or something?" 

I laughed because she is funny with her pretend anger.

"Sultans Of Swing  is a classic." Replied dad, intentionally tormenting her, I'm sure.

Mum rolled her eyes, "You're not fit to bring up a child you aren't!"

While I was laughing at mum, dad surprised me, he's not usually the one to initiate a big hug, by getting me and pulling me to him before wrapping his big arms round me, "You're the daddies child aren't you my dear." and gave me a little kiss on the top of my head. I liked the way he emphasized the word 'child'. I felt he knew what I was thinking when mum called me one. I obviously wasn't in danger of any kind, but had I been, I would have felt so safe with that strong left arm around my back and his right hand cupping my head to his chest. Oh, I wish I could tell you how nice it makes me feel.

The best part was that he didn't let go until mum said, "I don't know which one of you is the worst I'm sure! Clear off from under my feet the pair of you, go get your little dear an ice cream or something. It'll give you a chance to fill her head with some more of your daft rubbish! Leave me to get a nap for half an hour. My legs are fair dropping off me, all that walking around you've had me doing today."

To listen to mum sometimes, you would think she was hard done by. The truth is if anyone suggested doing it all again she would have been first out of the door. Just as she loves to sit with me and dad on a music night, seeing us all cuddled up. It's what she has dreamed of all her married life. She has told me as much many times now, and in many different way. The above being one of those times and ways.

Whitby

 Today we are, or have been at Whitby all day, which is an absolutely mental place, and by far the biggest place we have visited on my parental history tour and so demanded a complete day for a visit. The weather was really nice although there was a cold breeze at times, I got right sunburnt. There are loads and loads of shops which made mum happy which in turn made me and dad happy too. One little happy family, that's us. There is a cafe there called 'The Humble Pie', it reminded me of the walk from Jim's farm that day and how I thought I might have to eat humble pie back at the big house. Thinking how my life has changed from that day to this wonderful day and my beautiful parents made me get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

I won't bother to give you a tour as I have found another video showing more or less the same things we saw so I think that gives you a better idea than anything I can describe in the short time I have to add this entry. This video is a long one so you may need to get in some popcorn or beer, whatever takes your fancy.

The reason for our visit was to get and eat fish and chips on the Whitby Endeavour in the harbour!! Ha ha - just joking, although it would have been worth it just for that as they were the best. Much better to sit and eat them outdoors by the sea, just watch out for those darn seagulls though as they will steal them. 

Anyway, as I was saying, the reason for us being in Whitby in relation to my history tour is that this is the place that dad proposed marriage to my mum, up by Saint Mary's church overlooking the harbour. It's such a beautiful and memorable place with loads of history and just goes to show that dad can be romantic if he tries. I've decided for my next challenge that I am going to have to bring it out of him somehow. If one thing this tour has taught me is that dad needs working on. He is so much more relaxed and attentive when away from the farm and I can see now why mum is desperate to get him away more. He does have a lot on his plate when at home, what with the farm and the meetings and all that stuff, but I guess it wouldn't be a challenge if it were easy.

Anyway, enjoy the tour, it might even be fun to imagine we were walking around together as everything in the video is so like it was today, the mental amount of people and dogs, stuff to look at everywhere, just crazy, even the weather looked the same. The only thing missing is a walk along the pier but you won't miss much really. Oh, and don't forget, we had to walk all the way back again! Poor mum was so done in I had to help her back up the steps to the whale bones. When back at the van she had a lie down before we set off. I got dad to take me out and sat on the cliff top eating ice creams. It was such a special half hour for me, it has been a very special day for me.

Holiday - Richmond

 After visiting Middleham we then went to a place called Richmond, the North Yorkshire version. There is another Richmond somewhere, which dad informs me isn't as good as the Yorkshire version. I don't know the other Richmond but I think he may be right as the one we visited is really nice, I liked it a lot. There is lots of history, most of it set around or not far from a large cobble stoned market square, where a market is held every Wednesday and Saturday, which once again we missed by a day! Never mind, there were lots of other things to see.

The reason for our visit to Richmond is because mum and dad did a lot of their courting here. They would take romantic walks along by the river, although dad won't admit to them being romantic, they were just walks apparently!

After quite a lengthy stay in Richmond we then headed across the country towards the North York Moors national park. Calling first at a place called Helmsley and then Pickering before finishing the day close to the sea at a place called Whitby. Although the campsite was just out of Whitby. 

We walked in to a nearby village to a pub where we had dinner. The fish and chips appealed to me but I thought I'd better not push my luck. Mum suggested I tried the Cumberland sausage but I sort of went off sausages a while back so decided to have the homemade steak pie with chips. Dad went to the bar to get some drinks, and the meal got to us before he did with the drinks, which didn't go down well with mum. It seems he had met up with some farmers at the bar and he got talking to them. No doubt comparing much spreaders or something similar. Anyway we had another great night. I planned on writing all this when in bed before going to sleep. I think I wrote about two lines before falling asleep! I didn't even wake up early either, All this holiday business is very tiring.

Below is a link to another walking tour, this time it's around Richmond.

Holiday - High Jinx In Middleham.

 After leaving Leyburn we drove just a few miles down the road to a place called Middleham. This is just a village, although it does have a castle. I've found a little tour of the place for those who would like to take a walk round. (See below)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1DkIXp1Mg4&list=WL&index=1

The reason for the visit here is that this is where mum was living and working when dad met her. The pub job was just side work, her real job was working at a horse racing stables nearby. We couldn't actually go to the stables but we had a walk around the village and I enjoyed listening to mum talking about things her and some of the other stable girls go up to in and around the village. She was around my age and a little bit older when she lived in Middleham and was living away from home with some of the other girls so it sounds like there was a lot of high jinx going on. Nowhere near as well behaved as me - well, since I've been with them anyway.

After Middleham we drove to another market town called Richmond which is where we stayed for the night. We were just out of town but close enough to walk in and get a meal, I had fish and chips again! Mum said I needed to have something else but dad stuck up for me saying that I was on holiday and to let me have what I wanted. I like fish and chips so much that there is never anything better on the menu. I guess if we go out tonight though I will have to try and have something different.

Holiday - Leyburn, The Reason Why.

 After leaving Skipton yesterday we went to a place called Leyburn which is a very nice place, everywhere around here seems to be a nice place to be honest. 

Dad said to me yesterday, with mum present, that seen as it appeared that I was planning on being around for the duration that it was important for me to be shown my roots and so that's really what this holiday is about.

"Now that we've all decided to make our lives one and the same, we think it's important for you to see and understand where your roots lie. This is of course not to take away anything from who you are as a person you understand." Is what he said.

So with that in mind I will tell you the reason for a visit to Skipton yesterday. As I said, Skipton is an old market town, which even today has a cattle market as well as street stalls. Back in the day when dad was a youth not much older than me there no such things as supermarket contracts and such like, all your livestock was taken to a market, such as Skipton to be sold.

So one late afternoon, after a trip to Skipton Market, my dad and his dad were returning home when the cattle truck developed a problem. At the time dad didn't have a mobile phone, I don't think they were even invented. So they couldn't call someone out to fix it, they had to try and get somewhere that had a local mechanic, which usually meant a village or town. In this case the next town was Leyburn. They pulled up outside one of the pubs and went inside to enquiry about a local mechanic. Whilst there dad saw this really nice young girl, very much like me he reckon's. I think he was just trying to flatter me! Anyway, there was no one able to do anything to get them going before the morning, so the two dad's ended up staying the night where they were.

Dad didn't waste his time drinking and talking to the locals, many of which were farmers who they knew. Instead dad focused his attention on this hot young girl behind the bar. They got on so well that before they parted company for the night they agreed to see each other again as soon as possible. As things turned out this sweet young bar girl eventualy became dads wife and my mum.

So we stayed the night near to Leyburn. Because it's a pain moving the camper once you have it on site dad decided to book a taxi to take us in to town but then the owner of the campsite where we stayed said they were going in to Leyburn themselves so kindly took us in to town where we went and had an evening meal at the very pub that mum and dad met in. They say that it's obviously changed a bit but even so I really appreciated seeing it. I don't know why but it made me feel sort of special in some way.

We stayed there all night before getting the taxi back to the campsite.

Holiday - Skipton.

 

My driving lesson passed without any drama this morning. We basically went for a drive round. I did some town driving, dual carriageways, round a bouts and what have you. On arriving home I got changed and had some lunch before setting off in the camper van for a few days away. It’s not been decided yet as to how long we will be away. I woke quite excited this morning, more than I expected I would. I was thinking that maybe we were going to be paying Irene a visit as they wouldn’t tell me where were going. Anyway it seems they are taking me on a little tour of North Yorkshire. Which is the country I live in so not too far from home. But that’s okay, it’s nice to be away with just mum and dad enjoying fun times. Tonight we are near to a place called Skipton. We haven’t been in to town just yet but are saving that until tomorrow. After we got set up on the camp site we took a walk down in to the village and had a meal at a pub, I had fish and chips which were very good.

Not The Same Anymore.

 Today at the stables I was in the training ring with Lyn, it seems this is my place now as I never get out on any of the treks, I think this is mostly because I don't ride, but also I am a perhaps a little more suited to humping the poles and what have you about.

Charlotte was out on a trek with a family when I had my lunch so I thought I would pop over and see Rob. When I got there though he was nowhere to be seen so I sat on my own in his garden and had my lunch there. I was a little concerned that he was nowhere to be seen as this is unusual.

After I got finished around four I decided to pop back and see is Rob was back and thankfully found him in the house. He had been down the road at Norman's farm sale all day. I forgot the sale was today or I might have guessed where he was.

I think he was a bit down in the dumps because he was saying how things are not the same anymore and that Norman going was another nail in the coffin, and how one by one everyone was gone and soon he would be the only one left. He was talking about the people he'd known all his life. He isn't happy about how new people move in but don't mix with the people who are from there. I pointed out that I try to mix with the local people.

"Ay well, you're one of us anyway lass, I knew that after the first time I spoke to you."

That sort of gave me a warm feeling. I suppose with mum and dad being from around here helps anyway as far as I'm concerned. I never thought about it until he said, but it's true that all the people I really know around here are the old timers that have lived here for a long time, even though, I think I'm the newest member of the community as far as I know.

I would like to pop in and see him again in a couple of days but with us going away next week I doubt I'm going to get chance.

Mystery Tour.

 This morning dad got the camper van out of the shed and parked it up in the yard so that me and mum could give it a clean. Eric came at one point and started causing trouble by making out I'd missed a bit. He had this black grease on his finger end and he kept on touching the side of the van with his dirty finger, and saying that I'd missed a bit. Of course this then left a black mark where he touched it. He soon clear off though when I threw a wet sponge at him. Mum did all the inside while I washed down the outside.

I think we are going on Monday, they won't tell me where, saying that it's a mystery tour. I'm wondering if we are going to see Irene, but I don't know. They've perhaps secretly got fed up with me and taking me back for a refund! Can I have a different one as this one doesn't work properly, in fact it doesn't work at all half the time. Just swans around taking afternoon tea and eating Victoria sponge cake!

For some strange reason I decided when alone at one point to reenact a moment, the moment I flaked out on the steps of the van. I think dad must have pulled me inside on the night as I don't see how I could get where I did from just collapsing. I lay on the floor a couple of minutes looking up t the light and just remembering, All a bit silly and pointless really but I just felt the need to do it for some reason.

The Scary Cooker.

 Today mum and I have been to York.

Mum had an appointment this morning about her back. She had a scan and a talk with someone and it seems that everything is going alright with it but she still has to be careful not to go and do to much lifting and bending or riding.

Because the kettle stopped working last night, and we were in York, we decided to make a day of it and do a bit of shopping and looking round and of course afternoon tea.

Dad was saying this morning about going off somewhere in the camper van next week, before he gets busy harvesting and what have you. In one way I hope he does because it will be fun and mum would like to go somewhere just to get away. The only time I've been in the camper were very emotional times. They are the only memories I have of it. I'm sure there will soon be fun memories to take away the bad ones. Anyway I will keep you posted on that one.

Poor dad was frothing at the mouth when we got home as he hadn't been able to have a proper cup of tea all day. It was his own fault mind you, as he could have boiled some water on the cooker which mum did this morning for breakfast. I think he saw it as to much like cooking to which he has an allergy it would seem! So the first thing when we got back was to get out the new kettle and get a brew on. 

"Katie, just watch your dad with that tea, he's not had any for a few hours, he needs easing back in to it!" Mum said pulling his leg.

I smile to myself when I see him in my mind, standing there sipping his glass of cold water while trying to get up courage to touch the scary cooker!!

You Mean The Most.

 There have been a couple of things that for me are worth a mention today. One occurred when I posted an entry to my diary. As well as posting my entry I always check and reply to messages and have a little look to make sure my post has gone up okay, and at the same time take note as to how my previous posts have been viewed. It's not really about popularity but I would be lying if I said that it didn't matter how many people read what I write. I still get a thrill knowing just one person is interested in my writings. So when I tuned in yesterday and discovered that not only had all my entries had been viewed at least once in the past twenty four hours but a great many had been viewed several times. I couldn't believe it, I was so thrilled. I'm not really sure why this is but I want to thank everyone, old and new for reading what I post. You really do mean the most to me.

The other thing worth noting was when having our four o'clock tea and biscuits. Mum suddenly, without any prompting from me!

"I thought that offer to take Mary to church on a Sunday was very sweet of you Katie." 

I know it's good when she calls me Katie.

She then went on to say, "What about if we offer to take her out with us somewhere from time to time? It would be less binding for us but I'm sure just as much appreciated by her."

I said it was fine by me, although I do like my time alone with mum, but I guess every now and then would be alright. I wouldn't want to put mum off her nice idea anyway, especially after all my bight idea's she's had to endure.

The rest of the day has been pretty standard, no tractor work, just bits and bob's around the house and garden. Mum had an old friend and her mother round for lunch so we went in the garden and left dad and Eric to have their lunch in peace. They didn't leave until around two thirty so by the time we had cleared up there was just time for a little snooze before tea and biscuits. I lead such a hard life. I sort of feel like a princess or something just spending my life swanning around the place half the time!

My Day My Way.

 I woke this morning on the alarm which is always set for seven. I lay there a while until maybe ten past seven. On getting up I had a shower and threw on some house clothes as I was going to change up to something better after breakfast. If there is time I will usually check a few things on the internet at this point until I hear mum go down to breakfast. This morning though I decide it was best not to, as I had a driving lesson after breakfast so I didn't want to risk getting my head full of unnecessary thoughts and problems. So this morning I got my clothes out for later and then followed mum downstairs at just after eight. We then had a cup of tea before getting the food out and ready for cooking, laid the table and cooked breakfast once dad let us know when he and Eric would be in. When they arrived it was just after nine. We had breakfast and chattered about our day before dad and Eric went back to work. I quickly helped mum clear the things away and went to get ready for my lesson which was at ten thirty.

Today I had a mock driving test which my instructor said I would have passed although there were a couple of times when I went to far in to the junction before turning. This wouldn't have been a fail but it was untidy. She says I am a lazy breaker! I've been called much worse so this didn't upset me at all! What I do is when turning right across on coming traffic, (not forgetting we drive on the left here). I tend to go to far before making the right turn. It's something I do deliberately because I don't like to turn to closely across the nose of the car that I'm turning in front of, so I tend to go quite a bit more forward and then make a more right angled turn. Where as she thinks I should start turning further back so as to have to make a less sharp turn of it. I know the first time today I did go to far even by my standards. If when coming to a junction I can see that I am going to have to wait for oncoming traffic to clear before I can turn I tend to try and adjust my speed so that I arrive at the junction when the turn is clear for me to turn without stopping where as perhaps most people prefer to drive straight up to the junction and put on the brakes and sit there waiting for it to clear. That's why she calls me a lazy breaker. So what I did the first time was my mistake as I misjudged how slow the car approaching was, and so ended up going a few yards further than I should have which meant I had to turn back on myself to take the junction. It was no bit deal, there was no danger of me not making the turn or anything, but as she says, it was messy. I'm probably going to have to adopt the race and stop method rather than the steady cruise method. 

I got back from my lesson at eleven forty five. Mum was making beds when I got in the house after fussing the cats for a few minutes, they were loving the sunshine out on the wall in the yard. So I helped mum finish off the beds and then at twelve fifteen we went down to make sandwiches and tea for dad and Eric who came in just after twelve thirty. We had lunch together, chattered and cleared away before mum and I went in to Selby to get my blood taken as a follow up to the passing out in the camper van incident. By now I think it was around two thirty and I had ages to wait so that by the time we got out is was well after three. We just had time to go to B&M to get some more bird food before returning home, at which we arrived just after four. It was now time for our afternoon tea and biscuits which we enjoyed in the garden - on the bench I painted. There we talked about how nice the garden was looking in the sunshine and what we were doing for dinner. Me and mum had a salad, dad had a couple of burgers and some salad also, or rabbit food as he calls it.

After dinner I cleared away the dinner things and tidied up the kitchen. As it was a nice evening I took a walk around the yard locking at what if anything was or had been happening. I notice Eric has got all cow shit in my tractor which I'm NOT amused about. I said hello to the cattle, some of them come to have a rub, others look like they would also like a fuss but are not quite brave enough to risk it so just stand there looking. I don't go in the sheds with them so if they don't stick their hear through the barrier they miss out. 

By now it's getting on for eight so I go in, get a drink of juice and go sit on the couch and snuggle up  to dad who is busy watching someone getting murder and what have you. Just the usual routine boring TV series stuff. I soon lose interest and fall asleep with dads arm around me protecting me from the nasty people on the TV. He woke me at nine fifteen for supper. I got up to help him. I poured the juice away that I never drank, and made a few crackers and cheese while dad  made the drinks. It was now that he told me how he and Eric seen Rob this afternoon and had then had to spend a whole half hour listing to them do nothing but talk about and sing my praises. Dad reckons I should hurry up and get that Rob down the isle before he goes off the boil, saying that he would make a good sugar daddy! I told him that I didn't need a sugar daddy as I already have one. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the top of my head which was nice for me but maybe a little soppy for you all to be hearing about.

We enjoyed our supper, dad had the news on which was mainly about people getting murdered and what have you, the usual routine boring TV news rubbish! At ten thirty I went up to bed. Often I will spend some time catching up with people online but I figured I hadn't been on all day so why start now. Also I was tired. I'd been up late the night before and Monday's always seem tiring for some reason so I just went straight to bed. It's now Tuesday morning and have to get off down to help mum with breakfast.

Most people reading this will no doubt be saying, so what, who cares! Those that do care will probably be the ones who give me a hard time because I don't spend every spare minute I have writing them a message or what have you. I know I'm a great person and you want all of my attention to yourselves, and I wish I could give you all of it, because I love your interest in my life. But you have to understand also that I have to live that life or there would be nothing for any of us to enjoy. I have to fit all the above things in my day as well as all of you. I just hope you understand, because all I ever ask of you is an understanding. Which is the reason for the above - so that if I appear distant sometimes, you have an understanding.

By the way, none of the above sentence applies to anyone from this diary site who contacts me. I have nearly two hundred entries now and in all of the time it's taken me to post them I have never had one wrong word from anyone, just a few queries, which is great and absolutely fine, and lots of support and interest from the rest. Which again is great and very much appreciated, it inspires me to keep going. As are all interactions wherever they originate from - please just remember there is only one of me though.

Have a lovely day everyone. You're all great in your own way.

Who Would Have Thought It.

 When mum and I got to church today we were surprised to see Mary back in her usual place, we were thinking that maybe she has had some kind of recovery but it turned out not be the case. Pat, who is another church lady had given her a lift in to church this morning. On the way home after the service I mentioned to mum that maybe we could give her a lift to church in the future. Mum's reply was that we could give her a lift but so could a lot of the others too, but they won't. 

After thinking about it for a couple of minutes I said, "It wouldn't do for us to be the same as everyone else all the time though would it."

"That's true and your thoughts are what make you special but you have to be careful not to make a rod for your own back in such matters."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It's the sort of thing that could go on for years and you could end up getting stuck with something that is hard to get out of. Or other people thinking that if you can give Mary a lift maybe you could give them one too."

"I know you mean well, but it's best you leave well alone this time dear." She said in a manner that I could tell there was no point in arguing with.

Thankfully this Sunday afternoon was far less eventful than last Sunday. It's been a nice day so after our Sunday lunch mum, dad and myself took a walk along the river bank and then back along the road. It was really nice to just walk along and chat about things. They told me things about the farm and how it might play out for me in the future. I'm not sure, but the way they were talking about things it was as though they expected the farm to one day become mine. I like the thought, but it's a mega scary thought all the same. Imagine if I owned a farm! Who would ever have thought that. Anyway I don't really want to think about that because if it did play out that way it would mean that I would no longer have mum and dad here. Just having that thought now makes me want to cry. I think I would rather die first to be honest.

I didn't get to make an entry yesterday because I was doing other things. I was neglecting my diary, that's the honest true. So much so I have decided tonight that my diary must come first. It never demands anything from me other than a bit of my time yet it's been with me through all the hard times and will hopefully be with me for a long time to come.

Yesterday I was at the stables as always on a Saturday. I was in the training ring again with Lyn, erecting jumps and just generally helping her when needed during the lessons she is giving.

Talking of lessons, Charlotte has expressed a desire to teach me to ride so that we can go out together for rides around the farm. I haven't agreed to anything yet, but the idea is growing on me. I just worry about the horse, also about what happened to mum. She still has terrible pain in her back sometimes from the fall. On the other hand I want to do things with Charlotte as I enjoy her company and we get on okay.

Miss Picky Pants.

 We were all sitting having breakfast yesterday when dad asked if I wanted to do a bit of grass cutting. Yes of course, I said with great enthusiasm, if you show me how. It's weeks since I did any proper tractor work.

On hearing my reply Eric jumped back like I'd just poked him with a stick.

"Hark at miss picky pants here! I thought farmin' was to messy for you these days." 

Of course he was only pulling my leg.

"Get lost!" I told him.

He just laughed and went on about he would rather be seeing to sheep lambing than falling asleep going round in circles on a tractor all day. 

The cutting job was cutting down the long grass growing on the verges down our lane and around the edges of the field tracks. Because I was working on a public road I had to use an old tractor as the one I usually use has a passenger seat installed so for some strange reason, which is known only to some pen pusher somewhere, if a tractor as a passenger seat fitted I can't drive it on my provisional license without instruction. Yet I can use the old tractor that's never had a second seat fitted okay. Everything is the same, just no second seat fitted. Figure the logic behind that one if you can.

So after breakfast yesterday we put on the cutter, which is a different one to that which we got out of the shed the day before. This cutter is just for the rough work. Then Eric took me up the road and pointed out a couple of fire hydrant markers that were difficult to see in the log grass. Then he showed me how to go on with the cutter. It was simple enough. Just put it in to gear, push the revs up and then pick it up and put it down as and when. Also avoid obstacles such as electric poles and concrete fire hydrant markers etc.

So for the past two days I have been doing that and it's been brill!

Tractor Fluids.

 Today I have been helping Eric get some machinery ready for making silage, which is a process for turning grass in to feed for the cattle, I will tell you more about it when I know more myself. Today we were fetching the machinery out of the shed and fitting new blades to the mower and giving it a service. The rowing up machine got some broken tines replaced and a grease round and tyre's checked and inflated where needed. The baler was the most work, although having said that there was nothing in need of replacement, but it's a complex piece of machinery with lots of different moving parts so there was lots to check over. I had grease and oil up to my elbows by the time we'd got done. Eric gave me the dirty jobs as he didn't want to get any grease and stuff on his new trousers. I think that was just an excuse though to be honest. I think really he just wanted me to learn how to do the work. He even had me connect the mower and the swather to the tractor. It's the first time I've actually connected anything as Eric or my dad has always done that for me. I didn't do the baler though as there is much more to that. There are at least 6 hydraulic lines, air hoses and electrics to connect. I reckon I could do it though if I had a couple of practices as it's just a matter of remembering which hydraulic lines go where, but they are coloured so it shouldn't be too difficult.

When I was snuggled up with dad on the sofa tonight he said how mum had told him about the problem I had with the lambing. He has apologized for not coming to my rescue, saying that he had no idea that I felt that way about it. He even said that he had an idea what I meant as he isn't in to all that birthing business, and has never seen the attraction of it.

"As long as you aren't averse to tractor fluids and what have you that'll do me!" He said while holding up my hand which was still black in places even after a severe scrubbing. 

"It looks like we need to get you some gloves or something." He laughed.

I Was Being Pathetic.

 When me and mum were in the summerhouse having our afternoon cup of tea and biscuits, following the day spend doing house work. She said was I going to tell her what was the matter or did she have to guess. I thought that seeing as how she was asking, and knowing mum, would carry on asking, there was not much point in pretending any longer. I couldn't really explain the feelings I was having as I didn't really know myself what they were exactly. I told her that it was the sheep situation, and how it came about that had upset me. She was surprised saying that I'd done a good job and that everyone was very impressed with how I got stuck in. I pointed out that, what I did or the outcome wasn't the problem. It was how it came about and the fact that the whole thing was truly awful and I wasn't even given a choice.

Once again she expressed surprise saying that whenever something needed sorting, I was usually pushing everyone out of the way and jumping in with both feet.

"What was so different this time?"

"I wasn't expecting it for one thing, blood makes me want to throw up, I had on my good clothes and I was forced in to it, and dad didn't even stop them!"

I was loathed to bring up the last bit, but I did as it was part of the problem.

"Katie dear, your dad or Uncle ken would never make you do something if you didn't want to. They would just be assuming that the way you are with things you would relish the opportunity. Really you should take it as a compliment that Ken even let you do it, as he is very precious about his sheep. If he had the slightest thought that you were going to mess the job up he wouldn't have let you near the sheep."

I didn't know what to say really as it was just what others had said to me about it. I just thought it best that I resign myself to the fact that I was being pathetic and just get on with it.

I've Lost The Feeling.

  I'm not really in  a good place at the moment, also yesterday was a holiday here in the UK so dad decided to take us to the seaside, which was good of him, but it was to cold to be really enjoyable. Normally it would still probably have been enjoyable as I used to find enjoyment in most things, but as I say I have this thing hanging over me at the moment.

I know it's something to do with that sheep situation but I don't know what or why. I think I might have that thing where when a mother has her baby she doesn't want to know it! Is that possible? 

To be honest, and you will probably thing I sound stupid now, and probably am. I feel like I was raped in that barn. I've never been raped, and most certainly wouldn't want to belittle the experience for anyone who has, but I imagine I would feel like I do at the moment. I had something forced up on me that I neither expected or was ready for. Worst of all dad was part of it. 

I had no interest in the lamb once it was out. They were all praising me and stuff, and normally I would be lapping it all up and wanting more but all I wanted to do was get out of there. Mum even commented going home, that I was quiet. I just said that I was tired, which I was after all the exertion, but it was more than that. I hope I get my old feeling back as I don't like this one, it's to much like Scotland.

I'm sorry about this.

The Midwife.

 This morning mum and I had the usual Sunday trip to the church where upon I learned that I was to have a fan club member less. Mary, who has just been on a cruise and who suffers from arthritis of her spine, has deteriorated to such an extent as to make it so that she can no longer drive, therefore she is unable to attend church anymore. So that was a bit sad, but I was soon cheered up when I received my Victoria sponge cake. 

After church and Sunday lunch of roast beef mum, dad and myself went to visit uncle Ken, aunt Carole and Kimberly. Uncle Ken made his usual fuss of me and Aunt Carole was her usual cheerful self. Kimberly was out tending their flock of sheep, so me, dad and Ken went to find her up in one of the barns. They have nearly finished lambing now so apart from half a dozen of so pens the barn was empty. The pens I am talking about are the individual pens where the mother and lambs are put to bond after just giving birth. They stay in these pens for two or three days, or however long it takes for the lambs and mother to form a suitable bond to each other.

We got there to find that Kimberly had got one of the last remaining mothers in to one of the pens as she was having trouble giving birth. There was a lambs nose and one front foot sticking out of it's mother. Ken said that one of the front legs was back so sent Kimberly for some warm water, soap and a towel. Ken tried to pull the lamb out while she had gone but it wouldn't come, so he pushed it back in a bit until just the nose and foot could be seen.

When Kimberly returned he said for me to roll up my sleeves and wash my hands. Everyone seemed to realise what was about to happen except me!! Ken asked what handed I was, so I replied that I'm right handed so he then got this plastic bottle that was half full of something and squirted a load into the palm of my right hand. I could feel what it was straight away as it was something dirty Dave had been fond of! Myself too for that matter.

"Right, kneel down and work your hand down the side of the lamb." He said to me in such a matter of fact way, like as if he was just asking me to pass him something across the dinner table. There was no option, like do I want to do it, or anything else that might excuse me from my impending actions. It was only when he saw me hesitate that he assured me I would be okay.

"Go on, you'll be alright, I've got every faith in you." He said.

Apparently I had to work my hand down the side of the lambs head and neck to it's shoulder where I will be able to locate the missing leg. I then had to go down the leg to the hoof and then curl my finger tips around the hoof and ease it gently forward so that the hoof was towards me and not facing to the front of the sheep. This all sounds very simple, However none of this takes in to account of having to over come the psychological block brought about by a life time of, lets say an understanding that this s not a place where ones hand. let alone half your arm should ever venture. Not to mention all the blood, slime and any amount of other bodily fluids that seemed to cover everything to the point that they were impossible to avoid. All this mess and my Sunday best clothes were not going to mix well and yet it was all so matter of fact to everyone but me that I simply had no choice but to crack on with it. After the initial feelings of pure yuckiness was over, which to be honest last about two seconds, it because just a task to be done. I never gave the disgusting situation I was in another thought.

I worked my out stretched fingers down the side of the head of the lamb, followed by the neck as instructed. Then as I was pushing in to the inner depths of the sheep, it started pushing the other way which had the effect of crushing the back of my hand against some bones. I couldn't pull it out and I couldn't push it in. Thankfully when the pushing stopped the pressure also went. Kimberly said I needed to stop the lamb from being pushed out because the bones that were crushing the back of my hand would prevent me from being able to pull the leg forward. So now, not only was I trying to get my hand in but the lamb as well, all the time the sheep was trying to push us both out. Talk about making someone feel unwelcome!

 I did find that when I was able to push the lamb back it allowed more room for my hand to squeeze between the lamb and the crushing bones. I could just feel the lambs foot but I couldn't quite hook my finger tips around the bottom of it and I could feel the strength going from my arm, probably due to the lack of circulation due to the crushing effect. Ken said to wait until she had a break from pushing and then go for it. His plan worked and I was just able to get the bottom of the foot, but with all the slime and what have you, keeping hold of it was another matter. I still had to stop the lamb from trying to come out because I needed to get the foot towards me before it went past the crushing bones. But there wasn't the room to get my hand through while it was in a fist holding the foot. So I had to keep my hand flat and try to pull the foot trapped between my fingers but it just slipped out. Thankfully I was able to get it back easy enough. In the end I sort of got the lambs foot forward and just held it against it's neck with the palm of my hand and then used the sheep pushing to let it push everything past the crushing bones. Then when the lambs foot was past them I was able to get it in my hand properly and pull it forward so that it was level with the other foot that had been there all the time. Then Ken said to pull on both legs equally with one hand and use my other hand to ease out the lambs head and once it started to come out try and keep it coming.

It came straight out once I got the shoulders out and then Kimberly took over, sticking straw up its nose and rubbing it's body with straw. She soon had it shaking it's head and wriggling about. Everyone was saying well done and I did a good job type of thing. I can't say I was able to indulge in the praise though because my right hand felt like it was busted to pieces, my clothes were in a right mess and I was completely knackered. 

When we got back to the house Carole gave Ken an ear full for getting me in such a mess, and then got Kimberly to find me something of hers I could wear.

I Have No Plans To Get Involved.

 This morning mum and I decided to do some baking as we hadn't done any for quite some time, and as I hadn't had very much interaction with Rob of late on account of there always being someone else around when I've seen him, I decided I would try to make him a lemon drizzle cake. I remember him once telling me that Lemon Drizzle cake is his favourite. So, after it was made and we had cleared away all the baking and lunch things I had a walk down the road with the cake. Rob was in his garden and stopped what he was doing immediately when he saw me. I handed him his cake and when he saw what it was he insisted on trying it there and then. So he put on the kettle and made tea which we took, along with the cake, in to the garden where we spent a most enjoyable afternoon in the sunshine.

It was during our conversation that he told me that Norman was selling up and moving out. Rob says that he is wanting a smaller place, also the place he lives in now is run down and needs a lot of money spending on it. I said how it makes sense for him to have a smaller place, living by himself a he does. Rob agreed but went on to add that he was a bit concerned that there has been this woman hanging around, and all this talk of moving has only come about since she showed up. So he's wondering if she has turned Norman's head and that this is all her doing.

Just in case anyone is wondering, no, I have no plans to get involved!